Unapologetically Celia

I have previously always identified myself as a solo poly person, due to my not wanting a primary, or to cohabitate with a partner. I feel a need to be my own primary partners, to prioritize my own well-being, and to be able and feel free to chase my dreams and desires. However, lately I’ve been questioning that identity as I really love feeling coupled within my relationships and identifying as a ‘we’

Something else causing me to question my solo poly identity is my growing interest in relationship anarchy. I don’t think I have thinking patterns that fit completely in with this type of relationship modeling, however I want to feel more freedom to enjoy relating to people in ways that don’t fit the dating or friendship mold. In contrast to the anarchy, I do have a love for labeling relationships (even if I call something a nebula). I also have a tendency to prioritize romantic relationships, which is something I’d like to move out of. Friends are important too!

Last month I went to the art museum, in which they had an exhibit about hidden disabilities. There was this mass of sticky notes on the wall rapidly outgrowing the square within which they had designated for the notes to be contained within. It was astounding to see the vast variety of things that people were coping with on a daily basis. It was especially affirming to see how many other people were struggling with things that I also struggle with. 

Next to the sticky note wall was a wall with buttons on it. They said the following:

I have a PHYSICAL hidden disability

Hidden Disabilities ALLY

I have a NEUROLOGICAL hidden disability

I have a COGNITIVE hidden disability

I have a hidden disability

Trust what I SAY not how I LOOK

As I’m getting in the mood for GearCon, I’ve rediscovered this song, and have had it stuck in my head for several days now.

In the video (if you haven’t watched it), there are a series of people with signs, stating what their malfunction is. It’s given me pause to think about what I consider to be my own malfunctions. Generally, I’ve been very open about my issues, despite sometimes having had them thrown back in my face. Staying open and visible is the best advocacy I can currently participate in, and hopefully my visibility will bring others to at least explore the possibility of having something going on with themselves. That all being said, here’s a blurb about my mental malfunctions. Depression is down, hopeless, thinks nothing will ever get better. Why bother trying, because trying really only makes it worse. Truly, the harder you try, the worse things will get - that I can promise you. Look, here’s all the evidence I’ve accumulated over the years for you *gestures towards a bank of filing cabinets*. PTSD/Anxiety are a bunch of irritable fucks. They are convinced the world is out to get them, no really, there’s a jaguar somewhere right behind me and it’s trying to eat me! Metaphorically speaking. Hopefully anyways. PTSD is more irritable and angry than anxiety can muster, but is also dreadfully startled by sudden loud noises. They cause him to jump, the heart shoots up to the throat, and often the tears follow uncontrollably. We used to enjoy fireworks, but since PTSD showed up, it's difficult to appreciate the beautiful colors and sparkles without having it ruined by the concussive blasts. This part of me prefers sitting with our backs to a wall in a restaurant, knows where the nearest emergency exit is, and regularly evaluates what to do in case of an active shooter situation. PTSD hates his tendency to burst into tears sporadically when under extreme stress.

The borderline worries. About everything, arguably even more than Anxiety does. She is emotionally erratic, sometimes traveling the entire breadth of the emotional spectrum within minutes. Borderline worries about how others interact with her. Are they displease? Then they must be displeased with her - what did she do wrong? And how can she fix it? Another primary concern of hers is whether people will succumb to the taboo thoughts about her - some say even mental health professionals stigmatize her. What she really wants is to be loved, except that is something she is not capable of by herself. What she is capable of is throwing all of herself at people and relationships, giving herself completely over to the other person, melting into them, and trying to form herself into the shape of what they need from her. She’s the one who is most likely to originate self-harm urges, and generally drives impulsive urges as a way to cope with emotions, seeking pleasure, and all the feel-good brain chemicals one person can generate, as quickly as possible.

Have you heard of Danielle Laporte’s Desire Map? It’s a rather fabulous book, with a fascinating concept - instead of setting New Year’s resolutions based on goals or tasks to complete, set the feelings that you’d like to cultivate. I tend to Desire Map between Christmas and New Year’s, and again on my birthday, as it’s close enough to a half year mark to serve as a good review period.

The full process has a workbook that accompanies the book. I went for a shortened process, since I’ve been doing this for years and was just doing my mid-year tune up. I looked through each of the sections suggested in her workbook (such as career, family, wellness, etc), and generated a beginning list of feelings based on that. My initial list had 100 entries.

One-hundred.

Yeah, there were a lot. A handful of them were either duplicates or variations on the same theme. At this point, I start narrowing the list down. I try to eliminate all of the duplicates, as well as eliminating or changing anything that requires input from other people (such as changing trusted to trust). After much culling, I was left with 18. Still too many. I paired similar feelings together, and started asking pointed questions - What does this mean to me? What is this really about? What would I feel like if I were (blank)? What would my life look like if I were (blank)? In addition to that, some of the more difficult ones led me to just say the word out loud, repeatedly, and see how it felt in my body. Some I immediately knew were right, and many more immediately felt wrong. After all this, I was left with the following:

Authentic

Delight

Intuitive

Pleasure

I’m very happy with this list. Two are new, two I’ve previously seen. The second half of 2018 is full of promise and excitement.

As you have noticed, my name is appearing much differently on facebook than it was even just a few short moments ago. 

“Traumatized people are victims, of time or place or circumstances of evil, and nobody likes victims. It sounds counterintuitive at first, but it’s easier to identify with a perpetrator… People who are in control, who are in power, who have power, who are on the winning side. People love stories about murderers. Not the sad-sack families they leave in their wake, needing everyone to remember what happened to their loved ones while they take years and years to get over it, keeping in mind the dreadfulness and injustice, or in the case of veterans, guilt. Victims ask you to uphold human rights and decency and help. Repression and denial allow you to do nothing, which is inarguably easier.” - Mac McClelland, Irritable Hearts

Over and over again throughout my own life, I’ve seen the evidence of this quote in the way people have treated either myself or other trauma victims. However, in my experience, people are willing to like certain types of victims. The likable victims include those that are recovered well enough to seem mostly neurotypical, are ‘overcoming the odds’ of not falling into a statistic for their diagnosis. Yet most of all, people like victims who are successful. They like victims that can financially support themselves and don’t have emotional outbursts. People who can fend and advocate for themselves, people who have the ‘strength’ to go through daily life in a mostly typical way.

People do not like victims who are actively struggling in a visible and noticeable way. I’ve also found that, although not ideal, people are more willing to accept more typically well-known symptoms of depression, such as a sad disposition or low energy, rather than irritability or anger. Any sort of neurodivergent beliefs or behaviors are also looked down upon by the populace at large.

People are willing to offer sympathy “Oh wow, that sounds horrible/that must’ve been tough to deal with/you’re so strong for being able to get through that”. They also often offer to help, with a statement that goes something along the lines of “If you need anything, let me know!” This sort of statement, while well-intentioned, is a difficult thing for people with mental illnesses to cope with. The onus is now on us to reach out for help. Sometimes we don’t know what we need, what is it we can feasibly ask for, or how that request will be received. We also often don’t believe we are worthy of help, or that we are just inconveniencing everyone too much so it’d be better to stay silent. Sometimes though, the offers of helping are made disingenuously, or they simply don’t expect any sort of response to their offer. Sometimes an offer of help is similar to what many people mean when they ask how you are in daily interactions - in American culture the phrase “how’re you doing” often carries with it an expectation that the response is noncommittal and something relatively upbeat, from “great” to “good” to “alright”. Often, nothing more than a short response (or no response) is required or desired.