ثنائيات

Just a hot lil boi cooling off 

I’m in fandom, and not everyone in fandom is the same age as me. These are talented artists and writers, people who make and produce things I enjoy, and we’ve developed a nice online relationship wherein we appreciate each other’s work, give one another ideas and inspiration, and even think about planning a fun online event together.

Like any friendship, there are lines. I am well aware that I’m older, that there are certain things I don’t discuss with them, and frankly there are certain discussions they have that I don’t participate in. It’s a balance, just like with any friendship.

At this point, I know that if I were ever not welcome on a server or in a conversation, I would be told. If I had overstepped, someone would let me know. I am also pretty self aware as far as my interactions with them go. I can manage that. As it’s been several months since I met these folks, and we’re still doing alright, I think things are going well.

When I was 16, one of my dearest friends was a 35 year old woman who was on my Lord of the Rings forum of choice. She was encouraging and caring, gave me advice when I was struggling with my parents and had no other adults to turn to, and generally was a key player in the foundation of the person who I would grow up to be.

when I was 14 and 15, probably my best friend was one of my mom’s friends, who had a kid my age and twins who I’d sometimes babysit for. She was basically a big sister - taking me to movies and being a refuge and a person to vent to about issues I was having, and always supporting me and even sometimes making my case for me with my mom when I struggled to. She was very dear to me and I will always remember her fondly.

As a 30-year-old, at the game store we played dnd at, there was a guy who brought his 12-year-old daughter to play sometimes. The very first time she came, she played at our table, and we all did our best to rein in our less family-friendly game instincts, but also encouraged and requested her input into party stuff. By the end of the session she’d gone from shy and nearly silent to loud and invested and having a TON of fun. Every time we saw her after that she tried to play at our table, and always would race over to give us hugs, and I would absolutely consider her a friend.

cross-generational friendships have been common throughout my life, throughout my parents’ lives, throughout the lives of the older friends that I had. The important thing is that the older party remembers that they are older and that there are ways they shouldn’t be interacting with teens, but that doesn’t mean they can’t interact and be friends. The weird obsession on tumblr with making sure adults never interact with teens is bizarre and, frankly, harmful. Like, no if a teen doesn’t want the interaction (or the adult doesn’t want it) that should be respected, but the idea that it’s weird and bad for a 28-year-old and a 15-year-old to have a friendship based on a common interest is just… bizarre.

Do I treat them differently than friends my age? Yes.

The trick to keeping young people safe is not to isolate them from adults.  Isolation–and I say this as a survivor of child abuse–is a tool of the abusers.  The trick is to have them engaged in healthy ways with enough adults that do not have ties to one another that any issues are going to be quickly noticed and called out–or called in.  

Case in point: the gymnasts were very much isolated to interaction with a select group of adults, so there was nobody to tell about Larry Nassar until years later.   

I am watching the other adults I see on here interacting with kids, and most of them do so in a healthy way.  Those who are not? I report them.   I expect and hope that other adults are watching me.  I would be disappointed if they were not. 

I also have a much older friend (I shall not ask her age), who I met in karate. She hangs out with us. We go to movies together. I’m one of her designated medical decision makers should something go wrong (because the request freaked out too many other people and it’s important to her).

However, you don’t have to know or use somebody’s “real” name to be friends with them.

In fact, I remember being absolutely furious once. I was helping a 14 year old run an online RPG (she needed the experienced/adult help). Nice kid. I only knew her first name and I told her not to give me any personal information because it’s a bad habit to get into.

I would talk to her on AIM (that is how long ago this was).

One day, I said “Hi, first name” to her.

Turned out the kid had left her AIM connected on the library computer. The librarian assumed I was another kid and tried to get me to snitch so she could yell at her for using AIM on school computers.

She gave me the name of the school and the full name of one of the kids at the school that had that first name.

Without knowing who I was.

I exploded. This was a trusted adult who was literally placing a minor in her charge in danger. I told her “I am a strange adult on the internet. As it happens, I mean no harm, but you should not be giving out the personal information of students.”

Then when the kid got home from school I (in addition to having firm but gentle words with her about computer security) asked to talk to her parents. I told them what happened.

I really hope I got disciplinary action taken against the idiot librarian. (And no, the kid didn’t get in trouble past a second lecture about leaving accounts active on public computers).

The point I’m making is that if you are friends with a minor you take on part of the responsibility of protecting them. From idiots, and from themselves. As a responsible adult, sometimes you have to tell a kid “Don’t leave your accounts connected on a school computer.” Sometimes you may have to talk to their parents. Sometimes you may even have to take action against an irresponsible adult.