back to me

i love how I go on here like once a year and reblog one thing. well, let’s keep it a thing.

Realistically speaking, I have been mia bc I’ve been going through changes in my personal life. I had my heart broken by one guy (the devil personified) and fell in love with another (my now-boyfriend). I also moved out of my parents house.

Falling in love with someone’s personality felt so natural and healthy. falling in love felt like when an object in motion went into equilibrium and the person of your love is the force bringing the object into stillness and peace. It wasn’t the infatuations, chaos and puppy love I was so used to before. (More on that later)

I collect Sonny angels, I go to Pilates. I try new clothing styles, I have my own apartment. I go to concerts (I saw Lana Del Rey, Charli xcx, Japanese breakfast, NCT 127), I scroll on tiktok. I’m learning to play more instruments. I listen and watch whatever I want. I replaced kpop for baseball (hence max fried). I clean. I write to process my emotions. I go to work and make money. I go wherever I want. I spend as much time with my boyfriend as I want to. I call my mom once a week or visit my family to make up for it. I cook food. I travel. I drink. I hang out with my friends on a Saturday without worrying about getting back home by a curfew at the age of 22. (I’m not 22 anymore)

At the same time, I make mistakes. I “forget” to schedule appointments because I’m scared to talk on the phone to schedule them. I order food when I get lazy. i don’t always go to the gym. I spend money on things I end up not needing sometimes. I worry about being unstable. I worry about not having children. I stay up for hours at night worrying if I’m being an adult in the right way. i make careless choices. I allow the wrong people into my life. I cry into my boyfriend’s arms because my fellow man are still people who can be hurtful and mean. I spiral into darkness while processing events that happened in my life and the scars they left behind on me emotionally. I don’t always speak up for myself.

I live the life of an average 20-something year old girl in New York City, filled with good and bad. I live a life full of learning experiences. I get to live a life I could only dream of when I was 13. The same life i didn’t think I would get to see. the best thing 13 year old me chose to do that day was live.