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@nonbinaryowlitect
Pojkan ifrån byin Ha stigi åpp ti skyin Har pängan i madrass ECONOMY PLUS ✈️

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This shit's giving me ASMR and I don't even have the sound on...
I cannot stress enough how much you need the sound for this one
your dashboard is supposed to be at LEAST halfway full of shit you have no context for and fandoms you're not involved in. it is the natural way of the universe
We all need diverse ecosystems
Reblog to hug prev
Please
the idea of them sitting down at a restaurant for lunch with shane's parents and shane was running late so ilya's already done the whole allergy check by the time he gets there, and the waitress is waiting to take his order and shane is a little ruffled because Late and Person Is Waiting On Me, so ilya ever so helpfully, "the chicken sandwich loves you" "ilya please" "the chicken *burger* hates you, though. she is slut for sesame seeds." "can you please just be normal about this ONE time." yuna from across the table: "the salmon salad loves you, too, if you get it without croutons." "i swear to GOD i will move to another table."
(referencing this post)
this is so cute and so funny and i am enjoying shane's embarrassment and despair at the hands of his concerned and loving family so much
david very helpfully volunteers that "the tilapia, uh.... cheated on you? since last time? they said they changed the recipe for the breading and now it has almonds."
shane puts his head in his hands like "maybe anaphylaxis would be better than this. i'm not even that hungry."
"shane! there's no need to be so dramatic," yuna says.
ilya, ever the helpful menace, has a suggestion. "lyubimyy, we ordered loving appetizers for the table to share. you and i could split a main dish as well? it will be like a threeso—"
shane stands up, tells the waitress "i am so sorry for the delay. i'll have the salmon salad without croutons," and goes to use the bathroom for A Moment Of Peace, Please God Above
the waitress has so many questions, and she is getting no answers. but she very carefully logs the order and notes that it's because of allergies, and she gets a very nice tip at the end of the hollander-rozanov family's lunch.
shane after being told so sincerely, "i already checked menu. there are many lovers for you." iN THIS PUBLIC SPACE. ILYA, OTHER PEOPLE CAN HEAR YOU.
(also david trying to adopt this metaphor is fucking KILLING ME) (shane just ready to sink into the pit of the earth as his parents are telling him that the bread at this restaurant got a mistress since last time) (it's sesame) (free him)
the margherita pizza now has a second family :(

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I know in my heart that shane is the type of person who would never bring up essential personal details until they are immediately relevant and then would also be so understated about them
he and ilya are hanging out in the yard and some bees are buzzing around because some watermelon juice spilled on the ground earlier and shane suggests they go inside or rinse the juice off the patio and ilya teases him about being scared of little bees and shane SO nonchalantly just, "no, but i am allergic and you don't know where my epipen is"
and ilya
reblogging with my own tags because i'm also CACKLING imagining the implications of this not being specific to ilya, either. they're having a barbeque at hayden and jackie's house and hayden is good-naturedly encouraging shane to try a piece of coffee cake or something and ilya just goes, "no, bad for you"
and hayden IMMEDIATELY is on the defensive because what? you get to tell him what to eat now? where do you get o-
"no, bad for him because it has walnuts in it, pike. you want him to die? this is what you want?"
"what are you talking about?"
shane: "i'm allergic"
"??? since WHEN??"
"since always??"
"you've eaten over at my house HOW many times?? and never brought this up? the fuck, dude?"
"jackie knows"
"WHY DOES JACKIE KNOW AND I DON'T"
yuna and david dialing IN to "if you don't freak out, they won't freak out" during shane's formative years to the unintended and unfortunate side effect of ending up in situations like bb!shane going *calm tug tug on david's shirt* "yeah buddy?" *big inhale that audibly wheezes as his throat starts swelling shut*
the idea of ilya on instagram accidentally pressing like while DEEP in allergy mommy blogging territory and natalie from That Allergy Mama DMing him to be like "hi, my husband wants me to tell you he says hi and that he's a big fan and also that call against you against san francisco was bullshit." "hello, husband of natalie. also do you have any suggestions for substituting peanuts in this recipe?"
shane at the other end of the couch after thirty minutes of ilya not looking up is just ??? who the FUCK are you texting down there??? and ilya still without looking up just, "many many sexy women who are crying because i am married now. they are very upset." as if his ass isn't diligently taking notes from a married mother of four on a good allergy-friendly pad thai recipe because shane mentioned in passing that it smelled good the last time ilya ordered some and now ilya wants to find out how to make some he can try.
he gets filmed for a what i eat in a day/day in the life type video and is so used to thinking about substitutes at this point that he doesn't even think about it when he mentions them in passing. they keep an allergy friendly household so the stuff he mentions is compliant, but it's paired with comments like, "and then i add some wowbutter, which is soybeans and not peanuts. we also sometimes have sunflower seed butter, but the texture for this is better with the wowbutter. i have also tried this, what is it called-shane: the gross paste with beans" *shane, offscreen from the living room*: "chickpea butter?" "yes, this." "it's nasty" "yes, not good. their jar says it is, but it is not. anyway-"
and it truly IS casual for him because this is just how he thinks now, but everyone else just ??? allergy friendly homemaker ilya rozanov??? since when??
A. the idea of ilya being lowkey stressed about shane surprising him and potentially being exposed to allergens is so fucking funny. ilya who ends up also keeping an allergy-friendly household PURELY because it's just less stressful that way. meanwhile the motherfucker WITH the allergies is SO fucking casual about it that it wouldn't even occur to him to ask ilya to do that.
B. when they're pushing the friendship cover, ilya gets nudge nudge jokes about trying to copy what hollander's doing, and he's not going to share information shane didn't greenlight to get out, so he just plays along. and now there's like. at least three other players lowkey accidentally following an allergy diet because they don't know it's an allergy diet. why do hollander and now rozanov not eat tree nuts? unclear, but they're also the best two players in the entire industry so it's worth a shot to copy them.
C. people being so afraid of ilya's wrath if shane has an allergic reaction to something at their house is KILLING ME. shane just fucking. STANDS near a plate of peanut butter cookies on the table in the backyard during a barbeque and four different people are immediately there shoving him away because they will NOT answer to rozanov about this. they will NOT die over cookies. who is the IDIOT who brought PEANUT BUTTER COOKI-
@lucky-santangelo ilya only getting five seconds of feeling smug and holier than thou before shane puts him on blast is KILLING me XD
@shanetism the idea of ilya finding out how many times he could have potentially killed shane over the years from not knowing this VERY IMPORTANT THING ABOUT HIM and shane's life flashing before HIS eyes is so funny. also the idea that shane was going to show him the fucking WELL at the cottage and just not mention the drawer his epipen is in and ilya being so ??!!! HOLLANDER ?!?! PRIORITIES ?!?!
shane groaning SO loud when ilya first breaks out the allergy cards because GOD ilya it's NOT that serious this is embarass-
oh? is this more or less embarassing than having allergic reaction in the middle of a restaurant and needing your epipen? hm? shut up and take the fucking shiny cards, hollander.
and riFUCKINGp to the restaurant that lied about not using peanut oil in their fryer as an angry, stressed ilya is stuck in a hospital lobby with wifi and a lot of energy that has nowhere to go until he's allowed to be back with his husband. you're DONE FOR.
also ilya being lowkey SO fucking frustrated at shane having allergies AND refusing to eat fast food, especially when they're on the road so often and ilya eats allergy-free when they're together. hollander, pick a struggle. you know what will not kill you? mcmuffin. she loves you. look at her allergen list. she is safe. this organic artisinal breakfast wrap from this tiny cafe cannot say the same. she does not love you like mcmuffin. she probably whores around with peanuts.
GOD the psychic damage ilya takes the day he finds out body products can have allergens in them. his body wash company is getting a SCATHING email about fucking around with their formula when there are PEOPLE with ALLERGIES who RELY ON-
and shane meanwhile is just, "i can take some meds and just be itchy for a little bit. it's seriously not a big deal." "you are covered in bumps! it could have been worse. they should have to give warnings if they are going to fuck around with things like this." "you seriously have to calm down. it's not going to stop me from play-" "shane i cannot overstate how much i need you to not talk about hockey to me right now."
MAN
shane growing up who always got, "oh, you poor thing" from well-intentioned adults as a kid and then, "damn, i could NEVER live like that" from same-age peers when older whenever he had to explain his allergies, and it was both annoying and also felt like failing at something when he had to decline a piece of birthday cake or a slice of pizza because it wasn't safe for him.
but if he frames it as a performance diet, then suddenly! admiration! he gets some teasing obviously, but there's also an air of "good for you, man" that lands a lot easier than pity.
this does, unfortunately, mean that he just develops a habit of just never saying ANYTHING when not directly asked lmao.
@riddlemaster101
i feel like shane would reliably tell medical people because this is a Rule for medical settings so yes of course he'll go into detail
for everyone else though??? cackling about people who have known him for literally fifteen years finding out about potentially deadly allergies ONLY because ilya is fucking interrogating the waiter at the restaurant. shane of Before just would have probably declined going and used his diet as an excuse because he didn't want to have it be A Whole Thing. now he has a husband to "he said no pickles" his allergies on his behalf, so he's straight chilling. 🤣
Can we also talk about the Yuna and David of it all?
David spots them at the cottage and they go over, Shane's cottage is obviously allergen free and the shopping he did is all safe for him. Yuna and David know to cook safely, the chicken parm is all good and fine but they say "the croutons aren't safe for you, but you don't like those anyway" just in passing as a matter of habit and Ilya who JUST learned about bananas and latex and bees is like "oh wow! More allergies?? I need a list. Haha" and then they have the meal and the panic attack and they become boyfriends. Before they leave Yuna makes him a copy of her list of all the known allergens and Shane's common reactions to them, it's the first time he hugs her. He looks her in the eye and says "thank you for letting me take care of him. I will be careful."
It's a relief, to know he cares to try. But at the end of the day they JUST met this man. So they cross their fingers and try not to feel the same way they did every time Shane went to somebody's house for a birthday party or a sleepover.
And then they are over at the cottage some night and they decide to order in for dinner. Ilya takes everybody's orders and goes to the kitchen to call it in for them and it's taking *forever* so Yuna goes to see if he needs any help. She finds him sitting with two copies of the list, hers and one translated into Russian for his easy reference. He has the phone on speaker and says "thank you for checking the dressing ingredients, I know is weird request, but sometimes Caesar dressing is safe, sometimes not safe, but he likes it so much is worth checking. Yes, I'll hold again."
They've ordered from this place a dozen times, their recipe for Caesar dressing is safe, YUNA knows that, SHANE knows that, that's why he ordered it. But *Ilya* doesn't. So he's checking. Because Shane wants the dressing and Ilya want him *safe* and *happy*. And isn't that all a parent wants? For their kid to be with someone who is just as invested in their happiness and safety as they are? For somebody who will wait on hold while they check the fry oil and the dressing ingredients and whatever else?
Once Ilya has placed the order and hung up he gets surprised by a hug from behind, thin arms wrapped around him and perfume he's starting to recognize. He's bewildered, but when he asks gently "...Mrs. Hollander?" She just tells him to call her Yuna.
WEEPING
also cackling about the idea of ilya using the group chat with them to be mad about brands changing their ingredients so things that were SAFE are now NOT 😤 it started just as a "hey, those crackers aren't safe anymore" as a collective fyi thing, but it ends up being ilya just mad about safe things not being safe anymore
significantly shane remains SO unbothered about it all
also EXTREMELY funny to imagine ilya suddenly being strict about allergens in his house with svetlana, who has done body shots off of strangers with this motherfucker who is suddenly?? confiscating her granola bar??? ilya what the actual FUCK is happening right now??? "no peanuts inside anymore" "...what the fuCK ARE YOU TALKI-"
GOD shane who never really got the experience as a kid of getting to sleep over at someone's house and just Know there would be food for him to eat. he either had to bring his own or ask to read labels because he promised his parents he would, and then sometimes there just. wasn't an option.
and now he gets to go to his boyfriend's house and just know there'll be a cabinet of stuff that's safe for him. doesn't even have to worry about it. this is the Shane Cabinet, and it contains Shane Food. and when there's dinner?? that will also be Shane Food.
he's not the one person left out. not here. <3
pls tell me more about shane having Difficulties. shane having Sensory issues. shane struggling to temperature regulate. shane struggling to emotionally regulate. shane body discomfort. headache from Too much. give me the Shane Difficulties pls
and show me ilya no1 shane understander seeing when he gets pissy seeing he is not Angry he is Overwhelmed and he needs care but is sometimes past the point to notice it himself. show me ilya putting the lights down low getting him a cold towel over his eyes and hugging him into a tight compression with his body. show me ilya soothing his senses bcs no ilya’s experience is not the same but he Does understand his special shane love of his life
thinking about shane deep in easy conversation in a teammate’s living room and ilya emerging from whatever tf he was doing to plop himself on the floor in front of him, back against the foot of the couch. he hooks his hands under shane’s knees without interrupting and kind of tugs him forward a little, until he can very casually throw shane’s legs over his shoulders from behind, knees hooking to rest by his ears, neither of them missing a beat.
whatever teammate is internally like …okay, is this like-…should i- and meanwhile shane’s still yapping away, hands gesturing through a play or something while ilya periodically rubs his palms up and down his shins…plants a quiet kiss to the side of his knee…guides his socked feet to gather in his lap so he can give one a little squeeze at the heel as the afternoon stretches on. all of this, mind you, while listening to his husband’s completely unaffected drone like it’s not a little bit weird to be strapped into shane’s legs like a backpack and it’s not weird for shane to not miss a single beat and the teammate is just sitting there in his own home like okay i guess
Jacob with some spot-on Ilya character analysis (and general thoughts on sex-as-self)
It's Open With Ilana Glazer
I loved this interview, yayyy a gifset!!
I think this is something lost on the audience in the show that is explicitly implicit in the books.
Shane thinks Ilya is a sex god bc
1) he is "better at sex" than shane
2) shane up to this point hasn't had a successful and Very Good sexual experience. He literally says once Ilya dick is inside him that he "finally understands why people are sex- obsessed." It has clicked, and his brain says its because of ilya, not bc he is gay
3) ilya is a whore so that translates in shanes brain to very experienced, good at it, therefore sex god
They tease back and forth that ilya has ruined sex for shane bc no one else will do, and while shane is embarrassed by this, he agrees.
In TLG it comes out that ilya has maybe been with like 5-10 guys at most. Personally i think its the lower end of that. He specifically says that men are a "rare treat," implying that 1) its safer to pull women (he really is terrified of being outed and shipped back to russia), and 2) he only pulls men when he is missing shane so much he cant stand it.
Shane has canonically been with 3 men. Two pulls he didnt care for, and ilya. Again, in his mind, ilya is the key, but its not inherently bc of ilya's skill, its because of their crazy deep connection.
I LOVE that Jacob said this, because its not so explicit in the show. You get little tells (ilya's "wow" at Shane's desperation and automatic submission; his quick orgasms in ep1 - he is just as overwhelmed and turned on as shane is; his face the first time he fucks shane, especially when he goes in from behind) but in the end, ilya is so desperate to please shane and make it perfect that he just makes it happen out of sheer willpower. But the second he realizes shane is coming untouched under his he makes way too much noise, bites his lips to squash it (embarrased, wants to be more in control than that), and immediately comes. Its not inherent skill, its attention and the overwhelming desire to please, mixed with a little control freak energy and genuine exhilaration at Shane's automatic submission.
ilya texting this to shane today as a joke and shane immediately texting it to the entire queer hockey players group chat like fyi this is literally what ilya said to me when i told him i was gay
thereafter the entire queer hockey players group chat uses this as a reaction image anytime anyone says anything notably gay
ilya: shaney did you make manipedi appointment
shane: wrong chat ilya
12 people immediately:

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the place I work at remodeled these split gendered restrooms into “inclusive restrooms” and never told us what they meant while construction was ongoing. I need you to know every atom of potential criticism or whining that could’ve happened disappeared when people found out this meant we got 10 fully separate private bathrooms with sinks inside. I’ve not heard a single person crack a joke about the inclusive signage. this is the world TERFs are trying to steal from you
This is called a "superloo" and terfs are actively trying to steal this from you, in the UK they changed bathroom regulations to mean new buildings have to prioritise gendered toilets rather than build superloos.
This also upset a lot of architects and designers who like the superloos. They're also typically more like small rooms rather than having doors you can look under.
I have a friend who was strongly against inclusive bathrooms because he felt that “bathroom stalls are already really exposed due to how they’re constructed, so no wonder women don’t want men in the same bathrooms as them” and when I pointed out that we could just… build better bathrooms… with less exposed stalls, he got really quiet and then said “honestly that sounds so much better, but there must be some problem with building them like that, because otherwise wouldn’t we already be doing it?” BESTIE we are. WE ARE. Old-style bathrooms are cheaply made, poorly designed, and all around bad. Haven’t you noticed that men’s restrooms rooms get weirdly sticky? Haven’t you noticed that women’s restrooms end up with giant lines? This is because these rooms are architecturally awful. And we can do better now, because we know more! And we are!!! People are actively designing better bathrooms that address known problems, and guess what: those bathrooms are “inclusive” in the same way that curb-cuts are inclusive. It doesn’t matter if the ramp was built for a wheelchair or a stroller; it doesn’t matter if the bathrooms were designed specifically for gender inclusivity or just because fall-apart-if-you-sneeze-on-them metal stall dividers with giant ass peek gaps suck. We can in fact improve our built environment to better meet our needs. Stop cutting off your nose to spite your face; stop settling for less just because someone else might also enjoy it.
Seattle's SEA-TAC airport has an all gender restroom that's a row of about a dozen fully enclosed separated little rooms that lock, with a shared bank of sinks and it's great. Love it. Lot of very strange encounters at the sinks, feels odd the first few times! But people laugh it off almost instantly. Because it's not actually a big deal to share a sink.
a comic about tattoos
The fucking terfs found this shit fuck this hell website
And stay safe everyone!
Hollanov + text posts (part 1)
They move in together full time and Ilya notices that Anya acts differently with Shane than she does with him, more quiet and less playful, and he worries that means she doesn’t like Shane or is jealous, so he hires a dog trainer to come over and see if there’s anything they need to do to help
After a while of talking about how Anya acts the trainer says there’s nothing to worry about, Anya likes Shane just fine, it’s just that she sees him as the boss and is acting accordingly
And Ilya is like. But. I’m the one who adopted her? And raised her before Shane got here?? And the trainer is just like yeah well she sees you more like an equal. And Ilya is like WAIT she thinks Shane is in charge of both of us?? And the trainer is just like well do you interact in a way that would make her think that?
Ilya’s life flashes before his eyes as he thinks of all the times Shane has come over with a snack for Ilya and a treat for Anya, or all the times Shane has announced they’re all going for an after dinner walk, or pets Ilya’s hair and tells him he did a good job at practice, or the fact that he uses the same warning tone with Anya when she misbehaves as he does with Ilya when he’s causing problems on purpose
Shane comes home to Ilya with his face in his hands going oh god I’m not Anya’s dad I’m her brother and she thinks we’re both your pets. And Shane just goes. What.

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with how much shane enjoys getting pinned down, i'm laughing about the idea of ilya who knows academically that he and shane are equally matched but who never really transfers that thought to the bedroom because he and shane playfight/wrestle as foreplay but shane enjoys "losing" these particular struggles and thus doesn't really ever use his full strength beyond the opening few seconds
which means the first time shane is riding him and is close to finishing and thus shoves him the FUCK back down when ilya is about to sit up and turn them hits ilya like a fucking FREIGHT TRAIN
man is getting held down with a hand to his chest with a force shane hasn't actually used in bed before and he is about to pass! out! from the force of the horny crashing over him
#just EXTREMELY funny to imagine the o-OH expression on ilya's face #like he knows that he and shane are equally matched on the ice and they've slammed each other around enough #to know that shane can put some fucking FORCE behind it #but in their dynamic in bed shane likes getting shoved down and held in place #which means ilya did NOT see it coming when shane actually broke out his real strength to keep him in place because he was so close #shane gets his orgasm and ilya gets approximately 3.7 new kinks he plans on investigating further at his earliest convenience
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