“everyone is mad at me and they just won’t tell me” —> “no one has said anything about being mad at me and i haven’t done anything to warrant being mad at so if someone is silently fuming about me and not saying anything that’s their problem and actually quite weird of them and i can effortlessly move on with my life”
this took SUCH a huge deal of unlearning because, like so many of you, i came out of a home where being quietly in trouble WAS the default state, and i DID grow up not just with the assumption but borderline religious conviction that Everyone Is Mad At Me, I Am Bad, I Must Exist In A Constant State of Attempting to Pacify The Natural Rage I Inspire In Everyone. and no it actually turns out that my family are the freaks . and yours are too
“this isn’t true because i DEFINITELY silently fume at people in the hopes they’ll figure out what they did and apologize” that’s not good. you shouldn’t do that
“this isn’t true because the ex-friendship that traumatized me ended explosively after they were mad at me and never told me why” that’s not good. they shouldn’t be doing that
“i don’t think this is true because my current friend group is constantly icing me out until i figure out what ive done to upset them and properly apologized without being told” hey thats not good. they should not be doing that
if the peacefulness of your relationship with someone (familial, romantic, friendly, anything) can be destroyed by effective communication/asking them for effective communication, you have got to get out of there. if you can’t get out of there, you’ve got to throw away any ideas about what that person thinks of you because they have their own shit to figure out before they can accurately read anyone else
The shortest most basic form of the lesson here is just: don’t be mad at yourself on someone else’s behalf. It’s a waste of your time. If they wanna be mad they can do it themselves.
also if you are a person who does that, stop. they do not know unless you tell them. nobody can read your mind. just communicate with people.
like op and many others, i also grew up with this from both of my parents in different ways. my mom stopped talking to me for months because of slights that did not actually exist throughout my life, including as an adult. as a result, i assumed people are just like that.
some are. they should not be doing that. it's so unnecessary. you can just talk to people. you can just say, "hey, I'm feeling X because Y." this is a new skill for me too! but it prevents escalation like you would not believe. people are more receptive than you think.
and if they're not, that's not good.
stop punishing yourself with fiction. if someone is upset with you, they can tell you. if they don't, that is entirely their problem. you shouldn't punish yourself for someone being upset with you anyway. that happens. if someone tells you they're upset, be receptive, not defensive.
you deserve better than your upbringing allowed you. this too is a cycle you can break. i believe in you.
