i really hope you weren't expecting ONE theme

one of the nice things about heterosexuals i never see talked about on here is that they haven’t already heard all your gay jokes yet. i just really appreciate having a new audience sometimes for my completely automatic responses to phrases like ‘i’ll be straight with you’. so, shoutout to all the innocent hets out there who have a genuine giggle over lame quips that a fellow queer would groan and hit me for. ilu guys. 

I recently no scoped my coworker when she asked me “What’s in the closet, anyway?” and I automatically said “me”. She lost her mind. Full cackling in the middle of the store. I never thought I’d see the day that joke would work but here I was, blessed with an unexperienced heterosexual. It was transcendent. 

I once had a girl working on a display where I work, and she commented, “I thought this would be straighter when I got done with it.” And I said, “my mother thought the same thing about me”, and everyone around us lost it. It was a blessed moment.

I knew a kid who saw my “Let’s get something straight: I’m not” bracelet and ended up laughing about it all day and telling anyone who would listen

I told a coworker that changing the music I picked would be homophobic and she lost her shit like it was the funniest thing ever

i used to offhandedly say stuff to my customers on campus like “unfortunately i’m very gay” and it always took them by surprise. they loved it.

I was visiting a (straight) friend recently and when he was making me breakfast he made me extra toast. I, of course, upon seeing this went ‘fuck yeah gay rights’ and he lost it. Should have seen his fave when I pulled the opposite joke, the ‘this is homophobia’ at any inconvenience. Was amazing.

Once I was tidying up the stockroom at work and my coworker was all “you straight back here?” My response of “not even a little, but the stockroom is clean” made her lose it

I complained to my mom that it sucks that the first gender is free but after that you have to pay for them and she lost her goddamn mind 

I was talking to a co-worker about engine-swapping cars, specifically putting a Ford Barra in to a Miata. He said “Not sure where you’re planning on putting the tranny” (short for transmission) and I pointed at myself and said “well obviously I’d put the tranny in the driver’s seat”. The look on his face was somewhere between “am I allowed to laugh?” and “are they allowed to call themselves slurs?”

There’s a common thread through all of this which is that people’s coworkers are enjoying this and reacting positively and let me tell you, I did not grow up expecting to see the world be like that.

can’t use the internet without adblock because it’s so crowded that it’s unusable can’t read important breaking news without a subscription can’t get a streaming service without them eventually adding commercials can’t watch youtube videos without 30 ads can’t search up things on google without seeing a shit ton of sponsored results can’t answer unknown numbers because everything is a scam call can’t use essential app features without a 30 dollar subscription per month can’t watch a music video without product placement. is anyone else tired

christopher is old enough for regular sleepovers and late nights hanging out with his friends but he’s still happy to hang out with buck and that just. chris is past the age of making buck hand drawn cards calling them bffs but that’s still his buck. buck is the only other adult in christopher’s life who chooses him. he’s not eddie’s son to buck. he’s christopher. buck jumped into a tsunami trying to go after him. chris ran to buck when he was upset about eddie dating ana. they held each other when eddie got shot. they go to the zoo together. they bake together. they have nights just the two of them. there’s no way chris didn’t have someone’s house he could go to, but eddie said he was gonna take him to buck’s and christopher didn’t suggest an alternative because he loves him. it’s so special. he’s out of the arts n crafts phase, maybe, but pizza and movies and buck getting tagged on christopher’s insta story next to string of emojis buck doesn’t know how to decipher but that ends in two hearts, well. that’s pretty good, too.

A little advice from someone studying extremist groups: if you’re in a social media environment where the daily ubiquitous message is that you have no hope of any kind of future and you can’t possibly achieve anything without a violent overthrow of society, you’re being radicalized, and not in the good way.

“Average person is beaten up by a 13-year-old three times a year” factoid actually just statistical error. Vaurien Scapegrace, who gets beaten up by Valkyrie Cain multiple times a week, is an outlier adn should not have been counted

This happened to me, too. A woman had used WIC for the majority of her stuff (which I say from personal experience is such a long and embarrassing process) and to buy the remainder of her groceries, which included diapers and wipes, she used a card, and it got declined. I bought the other $30 of her groceries because hey, I’ve been there, and now I’m not. She was extremely emotional and began to cry and even hugged me. My mom called me on the drive home and could tell I had been crying myself, asked what was wrong, and when I told her what happened, she berated me for being “duped.” I couldn’t believe she could be so disappointed in one of her children for doing something- nice? Is that the hill you want to die on? Getting mad about people needing groceries?

Do good recklessly.

I think “Do good recklessly” would be fantastic word art to hang on one’s wall. Artistic people, go!

So this has happened to me but from the other side. Several years ago when my oldest was around three or so, I had my debit card decline at Walmart. It wasn’t a scam or a mistake, I was genuinely broke. Out of money. I checked my bank and discovered I had something like 7 dollars left to my name and a hungry kid and nothing to eat at home. So I sat there trying to come up with the best way to stretch that tiny amount of money to feed my kid. Not even to feed me. I can live on popcorn or something if I have to but my kid was three and he had to eat. So there I am trying really hard not to cry while I slowly take things out of my basket to get it down to under 7 bucks, when a lady tapped me on the shoulder. I looked up and she smiled at me and started putting the things back in my cart. I opened my mouth to tell her that I didn’t have the money for them but she stopped me right away and said “Don’t worry about it. It’s gonna be fine.” Then she handed the cashier her credit card and said “Ring up all of it.” My kid got to eat because of her. I got to eat because of her. I had laundry soap and deodorant because of her. She could’ve just ignored me silently struggling in that line. She could’ve decided I was a scam and gone home feeling good about avoiding being duped. But instead she chose to help me and she saved us. So maybe the person struggling in front of you is trying to put one over on you or maybe they are just sad and broke and trying to figure out what to do. You get to decide which you want to believe and what you want to do. But I’ll tell y’all, no one has ever been more beautiful to me than that lady in that line who saved me and my baby. Be like her. Be beautiful.

Do good recklessly

About a decade ago, I was trying to figure out how to put together a holiday meal for my little household, with only $7 to my name. We were joking around about it and stuff, because it’s better to laugh than cry, and this very nice older lady noticed us, and said it looked like we were having fun. I laughed, and told her what we were doing, and she insisted, then and there, on giving us $20 to help us out. We tried telling her we’d be fine, but she would not take no for an answer. It’s not the first time a stranger’s kindness has helped me during a rough time, but every time it’s happened, it’s made such a huge difference. If I refused to help out in turn when I can just because the person in need MIGHT be a scammer, it would feel like spitting on the kindness that was shown to me.

[Image ID: a tweet that reads, "walking around without a bag freaks me out. imagine having no inventory slots. couldn't be me." /. End ID]

There are 257 days until HALLOWEEN

It's still so strange to me how apparently taboo it is to like a post on someone's Instagram from a month ago when there are posts still circulating on Tumblr from 1550 BCE

If he didn't want it circulating in 2022 he should have sold better copper

everything klaus does is so intricately and vitally intertwined with every single major plot point in the show and yet he is always on some bizarre side quest. simultaneously the most and least plot involved character.