Natasha Shankar

So like. Hey.

This is what grad school is doing to me:

Except. That lady looks like she wants it. But wait - I wanted to do grad school right? So I deserve this.

I just, don’t see the point anymore. I just see the end. GIVE ME DAT ROBE SO I CAN JUST TAKE IT OFF AND BE DONE!

But um. The moment I step across that stage...

I have a 6 month countdown until Sallie Mae comes a-knockin’

Why did I ever think borrowing money from her was a good idea? I mean I will be a broke joke and then some when 2016 rolls around. HOW COULD I RESIST THE CHANCE TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL!? Sallie knew. She knows all.

Oh well. I can sell... my property? Oh wait I have none. My car? Oh wait I don’t own that either. My hair? Nope, that barely exists. Eggs? Barely have any by now. Kidneys? Maybe.

So... I always envisioned that grad school will be my second chance at undergrad. Cause you know UNDERGRAD sucked.

I mean, I partied maybe twice? Was always home by 6pm? Completely broke?

Jep.

So I was all like “OH YEA I’ll get a student loan, go to grad school FAR away and be the girl I always wanted!!!!!!!”

WELL GUESS WHAT FOLKS! That didn’t happen. I stayed at home, kept my job and stayed in the same city. Oh, and because I have a full time job + school = no time to party and can’t make friends in my program. Aaaand technically more broke given I am going to be swimming in debt in 6 months.

I have a dangler.

Do you?

It's one of those barely-consider-an-acquaintance-faux-friends that you just can't cut off.

You may be a dangler for someone else. Here's what I do to danglers:

#1. The "so busy" routine Does this person never show up to any of your events and cites being busy, but never really says why?

This is what they REALLY are doing:

#2. When you do talk, the amount of private information they reveal is next to nothing You may be sitting there gushing about the fourth kidney stone you passed, and the other person is responding with generic enthusiasm. 

#3. You realize, that if you do manage to talk to them, it's because of coincidence If catching them on an elevator, spotting them at the mall, or bumping into them when you're in a restaurant is the catalyst for ANY interaction

#4. IF AT ANY POINT, you think they actually HID from you when they saw you This is real. I have really, actually hid from a dangler.

#5. Their voice, jumps to a loud falsetto (altogether high pitched) when they first chat with you That means they are turning the fake ON.

BUT WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER WITH THIS YOU SAY?

(This is what my guy asks me quite frequently actually)

I DON'T KNOW.

So, I turn to my least dramatic bestie and inquire: WTF do I do about [insert dangler's name here] - including the option of cutting the dangler off altogether.

Her response:

KEEP DOING WHAT YOU DOING.

According to her, girls apparently think that if we confront the situation, we'll look like the dramatic b-word. Instead of the dangler, who, MORE LIKELY, did something consistently stupid which is why they were demoted to dangler status in the FIRST PLACE.

So, what? My fake smiles, voice, and tip-toeing around HAS TO CONTINUE? I JUST CAN'T!!!

First of all, having a dangler is evil. It shows that girls have some obscure self-preservation mechanism that means they would rather not appear as a b-word and instead go through all this acting (WHICH IS MORE WORK!!!).

But, I mean even I've argued it's only work when I see the dangler - so, ultimately it's not a whole lot, I just live in fear. 

Yea. That's normal.

GIRLS MAKE NO SENSE. I MAKE NO SENSE.

You know. The stage 5 clinger/horrible friend.

Example:

Ok, it's not crazy bad. But it's bad enough.

I can't believe this is me.

I remember being at coffee with the girls scoffing at girls who disappear once they get a boyfriend.

Like. That. Was. Never. Me.

This was my attitude if you even annoyed me - forget about filling up slots in my schedule. Boyfriend? PUH-LEEZ.

But... then I freaking found this idiot. And then I don't know what the hell happened.

I mean, I didn't even realize how I was acting until friends told me the following:

A. They know I would choose him over them.

B. They hate girls who choose a guy who wasn't there as long as they were.

Jeez. I'm her? THAT girl? 

I can't be. I love my friends! But, I love him too.

I love spending time with my crew. But I also love spending time with him. They've warned me about how I could come crawling back to nothing (aka they'll be gone) once this love evaporates.

I don't ever want my friends to feel that way. But it's hard. I make time for them now, but I remember being on their side and giving crap to my friends saying similar things.

It's ironic that I can finally see how the "other" side feels - now that I'm on it.

Whether it seems fair, meeting someone that wholly gets you - and yes that means in a physical way too that I would hope your friends don't - is a circumstance and subsequent feeling that changes everything.

Your friends (hopefully) love you and will support you. Mine do even though I know how they feel. And I hope I do a decent job of showing them I care about them.

But, no matter what it's just I care about the guy differently. You love someone that way with a different part of yourself. 

I mean ACTUALLY smart people.

These smart people, who (because they are actually in fact smart) don't give a crap about what anyone thinks, shut up when others decide to keep chattering.

I mean, it took me forever to realize this becauuuuse... I am one of the "I like to pretend like I know everything" faux-smart people. 

I mean, I am so good, only two people in this world know I'm totally faking it.

I figure, my strategy is this:

1. First I dazzle you with big words

2. Then, I find flaws in the most vulnerable part in whatever it is you're saying

3. However -- if, by some cosmic circumstance, I actually know what I am talking about - I probably would shut up because I would be afraid I don't know enough. 

BUT --- what's sad is I wasn't even AWARE this was my strategy (til now). 

I think stupid people know they're stupid. (Sorry)

I think smart people know they're smart.

It's people like me, who want to convince themselves they are not stupid try to overdo it. 

Aaaaand it becomes obvious.

Now before you go flock to pay $9.99 for self-esteem classes, I know I am not stupid. But, some latent insecurity had made me behave that way. 

This has to be true for all those "humble-braggers":

Example A: My professor

"I didn't want them to publish my one-of-a-kind research, but they just went ahead and sent it to the White House"

Example B: Any girl at some point in time

"My butt is just too big"

(Yea, maybe you would really think that if this were the 1960's)

Example C: Every DC happy hour

"Yea, I worked for [insert Senator/fancy pants guy]; but, it's super hard commuting from my condo. Fortunately, my travel to [insert obscure, unaffordable location] helped me de-stress."

So this weekend, someone who has known me for almost a decade turned to me and said:

"You know, the only criticism I have to admit about your friends is that they just don't seem ambitious enough"

RUDE. I mean, my neck snapped back so quick to defend my inner circle.

My friends ARE ambitious. 

Well. 

Actually, I don't know.

It waxes and wanes between unrealistic high hopes and being overly-content with being spoiled. 

I figure, your closest friends don't have to be some "perfect" influence, right? I sure as hell am not for them.

But, spending a lot of time with someone HAS to start to influence SOMETHING ... isn't that inevitable?

But ambition used to be something I had. I feel like it's dwindled away over time along with the fullness of my hair...

OK BUT SERIOUSLY.

Are my friends holding me back? I really thought hard about it all weekend. Sure, I spend a lot of time with them. But, am I just blaming someone else for my own laziness?

Or are we all just enabling each other's laziness?

Ok, so that answers nothing. It's a chicken or the egg thing. Whose fault is it? 

Maybe I should make new, ambitious friends.

Oh wait.

#nonewfriends #deathtosmalltalk

I mean, seriously? I should be able to control by now how much I allow people to influence me right?

I think the only conclusion I can really draw is that whether or not they are ambitious I just need to suck it up and stop making excuses.

She really knows how to make me angry. But, maybe I'm always angry?

But, you guys don't get it. We are mostly inseparable. Like, our parents call us lesbians. 

My mom be like:

*Of course, I am straight and do not believe in incest.

Though, AT THE END OF THE DAY, I want to cuddle with her at night.

(Yes, if you must ask, I liken myself to a supremely darkly-tanned J-Law)

So. I had to make up with her. But, she was wrong! Let me tell you what happened...

So, here's me sleeping. It's like the buttcrack of dawn.

Then Miss Toddlers and Tiaras struts in bidding me farewell because I'm a horrible, betraying Deceptacon for making her take the SCHOOL BUS. My wannabe Kardashian sister would only ride it if it looked like this:

But, I ignore.

I ask her if she's warm (because secretly I feel horrible about making her walk anywhere -- she's still like 4 in my eyes). I had to ask 'cuz she's dressed like it's summer but whatever...

So, then I start getting ready for work/school. I have to be there on time today.

Then, my phone starts going off.

*ding* Where are you?

*ding* My bus isn't here?

*ding* O-M-G. I am SO cold.

*ding* Hurry!

SAY WHAT?

I know this runt is NOT expecting me to take her. She isn't even asking!!!!! She's already anticipating I will take her.

SO YOU KNOW WHAT I DO?

OHHHH YOU KNOW!

...I went to go take her to school. But I was really mad about it though!!!

So, I pull up to the bus stop all angry:

I scream, "GET IN THE BACKSEAT" ('Cuz, you know, that's a HUGE demotion from front seat - I wanted it to hurt her)

WHAT DOES SHE DO?

She sits in the front seat. 

She had me like:

I yell it again, and she goes, "Oh, alright, sure"

I mean this chick is not scared. AT all.

Fast forward, I (begrudingly) drop her off at school, fuming. (So angry that I unlocked the doors BEFORE my car came to a halt. THAT's dangerous, yo.)

...Ok, a few minutes later, I'm thinking... "man, I hope she doesn't have a bad day"

BUT. NO. I can't give in!!!! I must hold out giving my love.

One minute went by.

Then two.

Three. I COULDN'T TAKE IT DAMNIT!

So I texted her telling her I love her. She apologized. I said sorry for yelling and now we can cuddle.

OH HEY GRANDMA, DIDN'T SEE YA THERE

AREN'T GRANDMOTHERS SUPPOSED TO BE CUTE LITTLE BUNDLES OF WRINKLED SKIN WITH SOFT VOICES AND SMELL LIKE WINTERGREEN DENTURE WATER?

Mine smells like death. With a voice like a whale orgasming, and drawn-on Borat eyebrows.

Oh and she doesn't smell like decay. She smells like she eats souls for a living.

I am probably appalling for writing such horrible things about a woman who has lived through wars (she probably caused them) or who gave birth to a lineage unlike any other. Everyone talks about how wonderful she is but I've seen a whole different side.

Like, this woman has it out for me.

She almost died last year. And I almost cared. I call balling telling her I'm sorry (FOR NO REASON MIGHT I ADD) and she was literally ready to croak without giving a shit.

Me:  

Her:

So then, I am like - alright, as bad as it sounds, I can forget that she accused me of making up stories and planting ideas in my overly-impressionable mother's head about how I may as well be a crack-smoking, devil worshipping, baby-killing monster, but i cannot forget that she really doesn't care about leaving this world without making peace with me.

To be fair she has like 100 grandchildren. But, she only hates me. It's become a family joke when she calls, and they try to hand the phone to me, saying "She wants to speak to her favorite grandchild" [insert hours of laughter]...

Last night, at 2AM I woke up randomly to hear my grandmother and mom talking. This is the first time in a while I heard the old woman actually attacking me.

Then, in a shocking turn of events, I heard my mom defend me. I thought that day would never arrive. My mom can't make a decision without consulting that witch her mom, so being in agreement in all things is usually a requirement. But, then I hear (since she is on speakerphone):

Grandma: That girl, what is she good for? I bet she is not even in school. 

Mom: Why do you have it out for her? What has she ever done to you?

I mean, I almost went to go hug my mom. But I was really hurt. This old woman DOES have it out for me. She knows nothing about me. She sees me as a threat (perhaps because my mom stops talking/complaining to her when she's on good terms with me) -- but my grandmother doesn't want my mom to be on good terms with ANYONE in my immediate family.

I would even say, my grandmother is the reason why my parents are not together. The moment life got hard, my mom reached out to my grandmother. My parents had eloped and my dad is sort of a douche. OK he is a real douche. But, in true indian woman fashion, my grandmother was just happy she had someone to manipulate again. My mom, ever-desperate for love and approval (God, that sounds like someone I know), clung to her like it was static-induced. 

I am not a fake-voice chirping, suck up -- I have zero interest in having a relationship (though I have tried). I see that my grandmother is good for nothing and has tried since I can remember to make sure my mom ends up alone (even after my dad tried to reform). She just turned her negativity towards me.

My grandmother wants to live in our house. Why? So she can abuse my already abused mother. I protect my mom. She knows I do. She also doesn't care. But this is why I am a threat. Because I want to protect my family. My grandmother wants to protect her empire survival.

Photo credit: Sangeeta Nambi.

You know, no one ever warned us that our 20s would be so difficult.

I want to say something corny like, "Oh, I wish I could ffwd to see what my life is like."

BUT. I DON'T.

I already feel too old. I don't want ffwd anything -- especially to see the crow's feet and wrinkles. Or even worse. Cellulite?!

OK, so that's shallow. Or, is it?

Didn't you dream of having all your T's crossed and I's dotted? Didn't you imagine a good career, family, and success were all going to be handed to you in a neat box with a bow on top?

It worked for all my peers that were driven and focused (and quite honestly selfish) for what they wanted. 

It's easy to separate those that were driven from those that were lazy. But what about those in the middle?

The frozen ones.

The ones that had potential, but didn't know what they wanted. Those that knew how to work hard, but had no way to work hard for one thing because they couldn't decide on one thing.

Sadly, that makes you no different from the lazy ones in your 20s. Because, the real world needs results. And the frozen ones have none. We're stuck.

Stuck in jobs that we're over qualified for, or jobs that make us unhappy. 

If you have an Asian parent, I'm going to already assume you know what I'm asking without explanation.

If you don't, this is what I mean: Mommy isn't always right, because she's always paranoid.

I love my mom.

Like, I do, so much that I've learnt the art of silence. As in "no-matter-how-absurd-her-logic-is-I-will-not-interrupt" love.

For example. My uncle invites us over for brunch. His wife is Greek, and we are Indian. In our culture, food is life. Food is a rite of passage, an acceptable means of currency, and my mom specifically identifies her value to her cooking.

Therefore, she is OFFENDED if she cannot cook for you.

But, my uncle wanted to give her a break and allow her to relax. Nice sentiment, huh? NO. NEVER! HOW DAAAARE HE!!!

(According to my mom)

There is a bit of history with this issue, because my Greek aunt and my mom are in a competition. I think my mom is the only one aware of this, because she drops how extensive her history is with the family and how much my grandmother loves her ANY chance she gets.

But, this Sunday, it was nice. Calm enveloped the land, and I actually thought we were having a nice time.

UNTIL. MY. MOM. FOUND. OUT. MY. AUNT. COOKED.

Apparently, she assumed we were going out to eat. She pulls (and hard, may I add) me aside to crucify me for "not daring to tell her that we were eating there, because she looks bad not bringing anything."

My response: QUE?! QUE LOCO?

In truth, I sort of understood why she felt bad. She got trumped by her competition, and didn't get to contribute her prized accomplishment (her art of cooking).

She grumbled through the meal, and I was skinned alive for the duration of the time we spent there.

FFWD to last night. Approximately ONE WEEK post this traumatic event.

Mom's washing dishes, I'm sitting there eating (because that's all I ever do - I digress).

"You know, how dare she lure me, trick me, and embarass me. I bet she planned this all year!!!"

Erm. What?

OK so my point is, my mom is a little extreme. And if your Asian, or specifically DESI, you know that brown moms are a little OD when they wanna be.

Nevermind, "when they wanna be" implies they can exert some control over it. Lies.

OK.

So my life dilemmas range from "am I ever getting married" to "who am I going to marry" to "what the heck am I studying" to "am I ever going to find a real job."

I want to listen to my mom's advice. But then again, this is the same mom who one night when we were ordering fast food turned to me to ask for my drink choice. I replied, "Dr. Pepper" and mom subsequently told me "If I can't be a doctor, marry one."

STRAIGHT. FACE.

Moms always want the best for you and for the family because if you're brown you have to take care of everyone plus your own family. And for the community because after all you have to be someone or marry someone worthy of bragging about.

Can you see my dilemma here? Or am I nuts?

I'm probably nuts. At least I know where I got it from!!

My parents aren't together.

I mean, they are... legally.

They just live in other countries. But, that's not all too foreign to foreign people. Indians will stay in unhappy marriages because they are afraid of what people with think of them.

Oh I think it has very little to do with religion. Even my mom says, "Christianity shuns divorce" and my Hindu father discourages it for similar reasons. 

I couldn't tell you what's right or wrong, because quite frankly, I think it's up to each person to figure out. Why else would God (whoever He is to you) give us all free will?

Anyway, the bottom line is, my parents are unhappy. Therefore, and almost always, the children are unhappy. Even if on the surface they appear happy, deep down they feel something is missing.

My parents say they love us. But we hardly know what love is. I sort of assume that's why I have no idea who would be Mr. Right if he came inside of my nose and waved smelling salts. 

That's one crucial reason a happy marriage is important beyond what it means for the two people. You provide a direct line to what your offspring deem a "marriage." Even if you explain time and time again that they should have certain standards - it matters far less than what you portray in front of them. 

My mom is the single parent. My dad is the occasional father. I feel utmost respect for my mother even though her and I don't get along. But any time I feel any sort of pity for my father, I find my mother feels betrayed. 

I know why, because she is the one that's invested her time, money, and youth on my siblings and I, however, any child will feel a longing for an absent parent. 

So all I can say is, if you are a single parent, or a child from a single parent, try to be sensitive to the issue. But what advice is there really for that child? Do you ignore that hurt you cause your single parent and reach out to the other? Do you respect the wishes of the parent that's been there, and isolate yourself further from the parent that hasn't? 

With every day that passes by, it's one less day you could be forging a relationship. Nothing hurts more than regret. 

I know I would never want to hurt my mother, but it's always been upsetting when she tells others she doesn't hold us back from having a relationship with my father.

Because it's a lie.

She doesn't verbalize it in "do not talk to your father" but instead, isolates herself from me when I do. When he visits, if he shows us attention, she gets jealous, even though their marriage is nothing but a formality.

I can't imagine how difficult it is for the two of them to be in this position, but what I do know is how it affects the children. 

If anything, this signals to me to be so careful who you marry. But in turn, does that run the risk that I'm too careful with selecting a partner, and just end up alone?

Someone dying is never easy.

Well, unless you're a gamer, and that's all you do, every day. Like me while trying to graduate from Super Mario Sunshine conqueror to Call of Duty bad@$$. 

'Cept, I was less @ss, and altogether bad. So, yea, all I did was die.

I digress.

There was a funeral this weekend, and I felt terrible for the family. Coping with the loss of a loved one and the subsequent road to recovery is paved with immeasurable pain.

And the family drama planning all things related to the funeral? Sheesh. That spells out S-P-R-I-N-G-E-R (Jerry). 

But, on the day of the funeral, is it possible, those closest to the deceased actually enjoy the attention from others?

The lights, the crowd, the concern from others. Everyone is focused on you, and everyone does their part to take care of you. 

Am I entirely off? Have I lost it?

Sometimes I find more respect for the mourning family members that choose not to say anything. Or write a letter, and have someone else read it. That, for me, signifies true pain.

Indian women.

What are your first thoughts on them? Do you think "snobby" or "hairy" or "curry"?

Not to deliberately assume your ignorant, but I rather address the stereotypes head on. 

I'm an Indian woman. We don't really have a voice. I look to media coverage of celebrities, I see maybe a few south asians in the sea of diversity.

Kal Penn? Padma Lakshmi? Mindy Kaling? Those are the most relevant names I can think of that the majority would know. 

Name a few more, I dare you. Some of it may be due to lack of talent, but I would like to think it's because we are still dealing with a small-minded culture.

A culture that has it's beauty, but a culture that features oppression which masks startling fear. Fear of change. Fear of risk. Fear of women speaking up. 

I understand my statements are controversial. I understand there are exceptions. I understand that progress is being made. But why should we bother to look for a leader, and instead look inside our homes? 

Whether you're Hindu, Muslim or Christian, the culture is taught to foremost abide by the values from South Asia irrespective of what location we actually live in.

It was Gandhi that said, "be the change you want to see in the world," yet, everywhere I turn, our women - especially in their 20s - still seek out societal approval for their behavior. 

There is a NEED to consider what our parents want for us, but focus on that word placement. This culture is famous for caring what our family wants for us, and that is a wonderful sentiment. We need to only CONSIDER what they want, because they do know us best, but no one knows you better than yourself right? And aren't we the ones that have to live ultimately with our decisions? 

People joke all the time to me about my 7-11, gas station, cab, or being a doctor. I do not actually own or am any of those things. But, nothing bothers me more than making a jab about arranged marriages. 

I'll get into the positives of arranged marriages in another post, but women today can think for themselves, and often choose not to. 

I think any community of people whether it be anything from Catholic to hippies can understand how the body ends up feeding on gossip from other limbs. But magnify that tenfold, and you have the community we are forced to grow up in.