I learned to stop blaming myself.
I finally learned to stop blaming myself for all the pain and tears I’ve received from other people. Crazy how your own family are the biggest strangers. Crazy how its your own family that hurt you the most.
I learned that I am a people pleaser. After such crazy 3 years, I’ve finally came to the conclusion that I am, indeed, a people pleaser. It went from trying to please my mom, to my aunt, to my cousins, to friends at school, boys then to my own self. It’s tiring. I just want someone who can truly appreciate me. I wanna be respected as a person. Not just a bystander. That’s how I feel. People come into my life, intentional or not, to seek help. Advice, shoulder to lean on, a friend due to some kind of heart break.. once they are fine they slowly drift away. Sucks to suck, but I’ve always felt like besides the person I am dating no one else is really around to listen to me. Everyone is busy. Everyone is in school and work. Everyone is in their own relationship. No one really has the time to hear me out.
Back to the topic, i learned that I can’t control how others act, think or feel. If someone suddenly wants to leave, they’ll leave. Sometimes they didn’t see it as personal as I did. I can’t control another person from hurting me. I can’t control how others feel or think. Every person is pretty fucking invested in their own thoughts and feelings so it can be hard to think of the other person or put yourself into another person’s shoes. Not everyone is as nice and genuine nowadays. Everyone thinks about themselves and only themselves. That’s just how the generations have evolved.
- Relying heavily on social media and social platforms to communicate.
- Misunderstanding context of texts.
- Replying whenever they want.
- Calls are only if they need something from you or is interested in you.
I know damn well because my own mother is living proof. I used to blame myself for not being good enough. I still think so but I don’t blame myself for the way she speaks, acts and hurts others. I used to blame myself for looking, talking and basically my entire living soul is a burden to my mother... I never understood why as an only child I’m such a nuisance to her. I never understood why having me even while I’ve been maturing faster than other kids my age still such a hassle. I blamed myself for all the pain and suffering my mother put me through. Now I am realizing that, that is just the way she is. She made decisions without thinking deeply about, without careful planning. Which results her with so much regret and negativity today.
Watching the way adults, especially my own parents handle finance and other decisions in their lives have taught me so much. I am going to avoid going down the same route as them. I hope one day I can be much more successful parents and adults as them. Mentally, emotionally and physically speaking.
