the 10 laws of boundaries:

the law of sowing and reaping: letting people face the consequences of their own actions – reaping what they sow, in order to learn and grow on their own. enforcing consequences for people who disrespect boundaries.

the law of responsibility: we are responsible to but not for each other –we commit to others and share the big burdens of life (what can’t be taken on alone) but we allow others a healthy autonomy and freedom to choose how to handle what lies within their own life.

the law of power: it is human to want other people to change, but we cannot change others, we can only change ourselves

the law of respect: respect goes both ways. “if we learn to love and respect people who tell us no, they will begin to love and accept our no as well … our concern with others should not be “are they doing exactly what I want them to do?” but “do they really have a free choice?””

the law of motivation: “a gift must be given out of free choice.” this requires that we make our choices based on our values and not out of fear (of disapproval, rejection, loneliness, shame, guilt, disappointing others). when we say yes, we must make sure that our motives are right, or we may resent it later. this does not mean only saying yes when we “feel like it” – we still may choose to do things uncomfortable/painful for us, but the choice is based on love and responsibility, not fear.

the law of evaluation: do our boundaries cause pain that leads to injury (harm)? or do they cause pain that leads to growth? if someone is not used to someone setting boundaries with them, they may respond with pain. yet this can still be the best thing we can do for the relationship

the law of proactivity: “when people, who have been compliant for years, begin to set boundaries for the first time, we often see very intense reactions to boundary violations. sometimes they explode in anger about a behaviour they have tolerated for years. while this reactive phase of boundary creation is helpful to get out of a state of powerless compliance, it is not sufficient for establishing long-lasting boundaries that lead to growth. reactive boundaries are not bad. in some cases they are necessary, for instance to help a victim of abuse initiate a change. but they are only a first step that help you find your own boundaries. once you have found them, you need to go further and establish connections to others that clearly define who you are and what you stand for, love, want, and purpose. these proactive boundaries are very different from the reactive ones, which only tell others what you hate, don’t like, stand against, or will not do.”

proactive boundaries maintain love, freedom, and reality in relationships. they help us keep our freedom, to disagree, and to confront issues while holding on to love and care

the law of envy: envy keeps us from getting what we want, because it focuses outside our boundaries. it is not wrong to desire things we do not have, but it is wrong to focus on what others have or have accomplished, because it makes us devalue our own qualities and gifts. (boundaries functioning as a sense of self-worth – willingness to be inside oneself)

the law of activity: “when it comes to dealing with problems, many people have a natural tendency to wait until they have solved themselves. in some cases this actually works, either because the problem wasn’t really a problem in the first place and not worth being dealt with, or because others became active and solved the problem for them. however, all other things being equal, active people are much more successful in addressing and solving problems than passive ones. because they take initiative, they have a greater chance to learn from mistakes. they confront problems, try solutions, obviously make mistakes, and – if they are wise – grow from them. they even have a better understanding of forgiveness, because they need it more often. in contrast to that, passive people are afraid of taking risks and making mistakes. they want to be sure that they do things perfectly well before they start. as a result, they hardly learn and lack practice in many things. for the same reasons, they also have a harder time taking responsibility for their lives and establishing good boundaries.”

“people may ask, how the law of activity differs from the law of proactivity. the former says that we are to take action instead of remaining passive, while the latter tells us to base our actions on positive values and not only on the things we hate.”

the law of exposure: exposing ourselves and our boundaries – communicating them clearly and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable in the moment – is the only way for healing and growth to take place.

Open to Desire