Made the worst brownies ever created just now
Chat where did I go wrong
the reviews are in

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@murasaki-sama
Made the worst brownies ever created just now
Chat where did I go wrong
the reviews are in

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the thing about being bullied for being weird as a kid is that even if you've always embraced being weird your brain is still always looking for the line where it's too much. you can be as proudly and intentionally weird as you want and you can love being weird but your mind is still convinced there's a point where you get too weird and people start treating you like a weird looking bug again. also it feels like you reach that point 500 times a day even if everyone you've spoken to today found you pleasant and likable and even if you're completely alone in your house with nobody looking at you at all.
“my father is a boy and my mother is a girl so i’m mixed” is the funniest possible response to someone asking your gender and it came from 6’5 Viking footballer and notable weird little guy Erling Haaland on a Snapchat
comedians can only dream of writing something this funny
A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.
“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.
“I’m learning Hebrew, comrade,” replies the old Jew.
The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”
“I’m learning Hebrew for when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham,” replies the old man.
“How do you know you’re going to heaven? What if you go to hell?” asks the KGB agent.
“I already speak Russian.“
A man goes to see his rabbi. "Rabbi," he says "I have a question of halacha."
"Of course" says the rabbi.
"If I own an apple tree and it hangs down fruit over my wall into public property, is the fruit still mine?"
"Yes and no." says the Rabbi. "The talmud does discuss this. If your tree hangs over public land, any fruit that grows over the public land should be left for others to collect. It is a mitzvah to contribute to the community in this way."
"Alright" says the man. "But it is still my tree, yes? like if I wanted to chop it down, it is my right to do so?"
"Well, yes. Should you feel a meaningful need to do so, such is the way of things. If you are building a new wall, or changing irrigation or something where the tree would now be in the way, it is your right. But Hillel would caution that you should not do so arbitrarily, simply to spite those you might think of as 'freeloaders' for taking the hanging fruit."
The man smiled. "I was hoping you would say that, Rabbi. Now about your Netflix password..."

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A man goes to see his Rabbi in a panic, and he gets there and he says, “Rabbi you’ll never guess what! My son has run away to become a Christian!” And the Rabbi responds, “Well you’ll never guess what! My son has also run away to become a Christian!” So the man asks the Rabbi what to do and the Rabbi says that they should pray to G-d. So they pray and tell him of their plight and G-d replies, “You’ll never guess what!”
- An old Hasidic joke that my Dad likes to tell me
An old Jewish lady ducks into a church one night during a sudden rain shower. The priest comes in while she’s waiting out the rain and says, “you can’t be here, we don’t allow your kind in here.”
So the lady stands up and grabs the baby jesus statue from their nativity scene and says, “come along bubbala, you heard the man, we aren’t allowed in here”
-my grandmother’s favorite joke
A rabbi goes to see his friend the bishop. “Listen,” he says, “there’s something I’ve never quite understood about the Catholic church. it’s hierarchical, right?”
“Right,” says the bishop.
“So,” says the rabbi, “if you do a really great job as a bishop, you might become…what?”
“Well,” says the bishop, “if I’m fortunate, I might become an archbishop.”
“And if you do a really great job as an archbishop?”
“I suppose, someday, I could even be a cardinal.”
“And if you do a really great job as a cardinal?”
“I guess after that I could, theoretically, become the Pope.”
“And if you do a really great job as the Pope?”
“What would you expect me to become after the Pope?” says the bishop, who’s starting to get a little annoyed. “God Himself?”
The rabbi shrugs. “Well,” he says “one of our boys made it.”
I know another one.
One night at a nunnery the nuns are woken by loud singing and drunken revelry. They look and see its some Jews celebrating one thing or another just outside.
“You can’t be here!” The nuns say angrily. “This is disrespectful, don’t you know we are the brides of Christ?”
“oh, then that’s no issue, we’re from the groom’s side!”
It’s 1926, and Mrs. Goldberg has finally saved up enough money to take a real vacation. She takes the train to a town in Florida and walks into the very first hotel she sees. She marches up to the front desk and says, “Hello, my name is Malka Goldberg, and I would like to rent a room at this hotel.”
The clerk looks at her and starts sweating bullets. “I’m sorry, ma'am,” he says. “I can’t rent a room to you. We’re a restricted hotel, and we don’t rent rooms to Jews.”
“Hmph!” says Mrs. Goldberg. “Who’s a Jew? For your information, I am as Christian as the day is long.”
The clerk shrugs. “Okay,” he says. “We do have a list of questions to verify this, shouldn’t take too long. Who is Jesus Christ?”
“He is the Son of God,” Mrs. Goldberg says.
“Correct! Next question: where was He born?”
“In a stable,” Mrs. Goldberg says.
The clerk smiles. “Correct! One more question: why was He born in a stable?”
Mrs. Goldberg draws herself up to her full four feet, eleven inches, and looks the clerk square in the eye. “Because some shmuck like you wouldn’t rent a room to a Jew!”
oh no they’re going to start calling democrats the same thing they’ve been calling democrats for 20 years now
"Here’s a trick I learned during the Obama presidency for handling certain types of political labels. Take, as an example, the Tea Party claim that Obama is a Communist. Don’t take the word of the person making the claim (Tea Partiers). Don’t rely on the rebuttal of the target (Obama), because that will just be dismissed. Go to the group itself (Communists) and ask them. Ask an actual Communist if Obama is a comrade and see how they answer. Watch as they laugh at you, then explain in great detail how they wish there was a Communist in the White House, but here’s a long and exhaustive list of why that just isn’t so. Now apply this logic to the claim that Hillary is pretty much the same as a Republican. Ask an actual Republican if they think Hillary Clinton is one of them. Watch them laugh, and then explain in the same exhausting detail why that just isn’t so. Some of them might concede that she’s better than Trump, but that’s not the same thing. Finally, go ask a White Supremacist if Trump is one of them. As they excitedly explain how Trump is the guy they’ve been waiting for all these years, and how he’s really empowered their movement, use this to guide how you will be voting in November."
Source: a 2016 facebook posts by Craig Enan, since then deleted (OG link here)
this cavefish has a concept of the passage of time that no other living animal could fathom
“Everyone has the same 24h” yeah right buddy say that to cavefish
almost all animals have set activity and rest patterns and this guy does whatever whenever
this cavefish has a concept of the passage of time that no other living animal could fathom
“Everyone has the same 24h” yeah right buddy say that to cavefish
almost all animals have set activity and rest patterns and this guy does whatever whenever
The symmetry of this turn in the air!
Yellow Warblers (Setophaga petechia) are small, agile birds known for their stunning ‘circle flight’ during nest-building.
These little guys perform a semi-circular flight to mark their territory.

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I translated the Ea-Nasir complaint into vulcan and engraved it in on a cooper plate
The tumblrest sentence I have ever seen
hi welcome to my kitchen this is my box that makes things cold and my box that makes things hot and my box that makes things wet and my box that makes things full of EM waves and my box tha
this one has 👍 bread
box that slowly turns bread into stale bread
oh my goodness, one of dian fossey’s first close up observations with gorillas happened when she was trying to climb a tree to see them better, but so badly that by the time she’d gotten up the entire group had come out of hiding to look at her: “Nearly all members of the group had totally exposed themselves, forgetting about hiding coyly behind foliage screens because it was obvious to them that the observer had been distracted by tree-climbing problems, an activity they could understand.”
hello, fellow apes
The lead up to that sentence is gold:
[Image transcript: porch. The group had been day-nesting and sunbathing when I contacted them, but upon my approach they nervously retreated to obscure themselves behind thick foliage. Frustrated but determined to see them better, I decided to climb a tree, not one of my better talents. The tree was particularly slithery and, try as I might, no amount of puffing, pulling, gripping, or clawing succeeded in getting me more than a few feet aboveground. Disgustedly, I was about to give up when Sanwekwe came to my aid by giving one mighty boost to my protruding rump; tears were running from his eyes as he was convulsed in silent laughter. I felt as inept as a baby taking its first step. Finally able to grab on to a conveniently placed branch, I hauled myself up into a respectful semislouch position in the tree about twenty feet from the ground. By this time I naturally assumed that the combined noises of panting, cursing, and branch-breaking made during the initial climbing attempts must have frightened the group on to the next mountain. I was amazed to look around and find that the entire group had returned and were sitting like front row spectators at a sideshow. All that was needed to make the image complete were a few gorilla-sized bags of popcorn and some cotton candy! This was the first live audience I had ever had in my life and certainly the least expected.]
imagine some freakish not-a-human alien THING has shown up out of nowhere and is trying to get into your office building to study you. but it has no idea how to get past a revolving door. it tries for three hours. by the time it finally understands the concept of a revolving door and squeeze into the building everyone in the office is crowded into the lobby to watch and call helpful suggestions. it’s conclusively determined that the alien is definitely not a threat, except maybe to itself.
Addition approved
a baby!
my household got a pair of kittens <3

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// Lynx point bicolor longhair with blue eyes. //
Credit: Viktoria Emilia [source] [license]