Mother Earth

I think part of the reason why I feel so awful lately, is because I'm in a transitional state of my life. I'm waiting for time to pass hoping that one day, I will wake up with a strong will to actually become who I want to be.

But we both know damn well that if I'm waiting for this moment, I will be waiting until the day I die. No one is going to save me, unless maybe I ask, but here's another problem: I don't even accept people's help.

All I do is complain and suffer, but do I actually want to try something different? I'm not sure about that. Or you know, I will try for a few days / weeks, and then I'll exhaust myself. And then I reconnect with my hermit self, far away from people, far away from the world.

The problem is that I have this deep craving to be seen. For the wrong reasons probably, or maybe also for the right reasons, I don't know. Everyone wants to be understood, it's human nature, that's how we feel connected to other people. But to be seen, you need to accept to be seen, you can't hide and expect people to understand you, see you, help you, reach out to you. You can't create any meaningful bond if you end up running away. And that's what I always end up doing, run away.

I think I have this expectation of myself where I will only allow myself to be seen under certain circumstances: do I look good enough? did I lost the weight that I gained from by eating disorder? do you think my hair is too messy today? my skin isn't looking great.

Usually, people have these thoughts but get along with their day, that doesn't stop them from connecting with others. But I have this sick feeling that stops me from being seen if I can't control the way I look.

And do you know what it caused? Because this is a very selfish way of living if you think about it, even if it makes me suffer. It caused me to hurt people, because I was too preoccupied by my insecurities to notice that I was letting people down.

So can I even complain to be lonely? If all I do is push everyone away? I mean, if you're a teenager, I guess it can still be okay, but I'm almost 25 years old, and it's getting embarrassing to be living this way.

I crave for so many life experiences, but doubt keeps me stuck. And I need to understand that NO ONE IS COMING. I need to put on the efforts, and maybe, at the same time, I can allow myself to ask God for courage, because lord, do I need it.

What also keeps me stuck, is the infinite possibilities. So much to do, so much to explore, so much to discover, so much to taste, feel.. Where do I even begin?

But one thing that I know, is that I will always be grateful for my suffering. Not because I'm a masochist, but because I understand what my suffering brings to me. It gives me a chance to see things differently, it teaches me lessons that I'd never learn if I was ignorant of what was going inside of my mind. Suffering also forces my thoughts to be a little more slow, and that naturally allows me to create a space where stillness, and a deep, deep sense of compassion can arise.

7/11/25

Sometimes I think I'm cursed, but then, this feeling is quickly overpowered by the feeling of grace and gratitude.

I guess your life could be drastically different depending on how you perceive reality. If it's through the lense of fear, then all you're going to notice is how terrifying the world is, which could lead to isolation, obsessive thinking or full blown panic attacks. I mean, you already know.

But if you decide to see life through another lense, the one where there is infinite possibilities, infinite chances for you to start over, then I feel like luck and grace have no choice but to come upon you.

Now why am I talking about all of this. Within the past few months, my health anxiety has been through the roof. It keeps me from living a normal life. Everyday, I think, this is it, I'm going to die, my body is going to fail me somehow. And it's something that takes up so much space in my head, I always fail to remember that there is only the here and now.

I think being isolated from the world definitely worsen my case, and I'm glad that I started to be more in the world. Connecting with others seem to be the cure. It prevents me from going mad.

My cat bit me which lead me to an infection, and I'm being treated for it. But up until I got to ER, I was conviced I was going to die. But then I thought, how lucky am I to be in an area of the world where I can be taken care of immediately. What a privilege. And I will always be beyond grateful for this.

How could I be scared when others go through worst without even having access to healthcare? I feel like the only way to honor my privilege is to disolve the fear within me. Out of compassion for those who lack.

I feel blessed that I am able to reflect on my situation and change my perspective on it. And what a wonderful opportunity to work on my path, on our path even, the path of liberation, the path of least resistance, the path of unconditional love.

21/09/2025

I just realized while writing, it’s the Autumn equinox, the summer is ending.

As I’m writing, my thoughts are coming, I always do things intuitively, in a flow state. But that’s maybe because it gives me an excuse to be chaotic.

I wonder what this autumn equinox asks us. Maybe it’s time to go home, take time to reflect, do some shadow work, craft, reconnect with our body, and just get comfortable and cozy in general.

My initial motivation to write this today was to complain about my food addiction. This addiction is getting worse when I do not feel fulfilled. By that I mean, most importantly, I need people, but it’s so much more comfortable to just isolate myself. And I’m afraid I’m becoming more and more misanthropic. Which is something I absolutely don’t want to be, I am aware that my misanthropy is just a projection of my own shadow, everything that irritates me in another person, is what I haven’t dealt with myself in the first place (I should seriously read Jung but I keep procrastinating, I just feel like I will awaken to something so profound if I read him seriously).

But while I was binging on food, and the feeling of guilt started to creep up, I stopped myself and saw the drama I was putting myself through. “Get out of your drama, you’re milking it!” I can hear Ram Dass talk to me. And it snaps me out of it.

I mean yes it’s annoying to deal with this ED because I’m constantly worried about the state of my body and how other people are going to perceive me if I eat myself to obesity, but, do I really want to give my addiction the drama it wants? I feel like I’d heal from my addiction if I just got out of my drama. And just laugh it off “well damn, tomorrow is a new day”.

While I was scrolling on Pinterest to find a picture to illustrate my entry, an ad appeared, it was about helping a poor country rebuild its bombed schools from the war probably, and there was a little boy, who you could clearly see, was affected by the war.

I swear when I saw this image, it was just a confirmation that I needed to get out of my drama. I’m not minimizing the effects that this addiction has on me, and I have the right to be sad, but it’s stronger than me, deep down, I know which path to take to liberate myself, and that path is going to be different for so many of us. And that’s why it would be so delicate for me to give advice to people on how to live. All I can do is just listen.

I’m not gonna lie, I’ve been in a weird mood for the past few weeks, almost depressed, cynical, mean, angry, overstimulated, sad, maybe lonely.

I also noticed that things didn’t go my way anymore, everything’s much more difficult and heavy, my current situation is in a “locked” state, it’s stagnant, things aren’t flowing.

And maybe all of that is a message for me to just focus on my practice. I’ve been so disconnected from my practice, from my soul, from my body. I binge a lot, which is a form of disconnection from my body. Usually when I binge a lot and it doesn’t stop, it means that I’m looking for something, people, a purpose, some meaning, whatever that is.

Despite being really desperate, I really love how my body and events in my life really are telling me what I need to hear, through the pain I’m feeling, there’s guidance.

And I’m not going to lie, the place where I live in is making me depressed. It’s participating to my state of mind. I’ve been here for 24 years and everyday pretty much I dream about moving out to a place where I could feel safe and not stressed out and on alert all the time. But there’s a dilemma, I mean you have to make sacrifices and I wonder if I’m willing to make those sacrifices. If I don’t have a high income from my business, I will need to work, it won’t be a problem if it’s only part time, but there’s another 2 problems, apparently it’s hard to have place without a stable outcome as an entrepreneur. Also, my mom. She straight up told me she would be depressed if I left her and we didn’t move out together.

Of course I felt so bad, so so bad, because my mom deserves the world, she only knew suffering, and I always hoped that she would be able to live happily now that I could potentially provide for us. But if I decide to stay, honestly, I will lose my mind. My sister is pumping all of my energy (oh I know what Ram Dass would say about that, I know Ram Dass… but let me vent…). I can literally feel the change in my mood when she’s not here, it’s incredible. Maybe if she left, it wouldn’t be such a pain to stay here, but I don’t know.

I wish I could have guidance and someone telling me what to do. What’s my next step? I swear if I meet a god like figure, someone who sounds wise enough to me, I will listen to them blindly, I will follow whatever they say. I’m starting to understand more and more why people enter and stay in cults.

I think the reason why I need guidance, is maybe because I don’t believe in myself. But I’m just aware enough to know that there’s so many possibilities and many of them could be good. I guess I’m conflicted because whatever I do, there will be consequences, and I guess I don’t want these consequences.

16/06/2025

I’m on this app called Bumble BFF because I’m trying to make new friends. We match with this woman and she seemed cool and she told me she arrived in Paris just a week ago from Vienna.

Then she asked me where I live, and I said just 5 minutes away from Paris, and then she told me why don’t you live in Paris?

And my first reaction was to feel anger. I thought, how privileged she must be to not even think about the obvious : because living in the capital is SUPER expensive.

I got this angry reaction at first because of my past experiences where for some reasons I happened to be friends with the biggest bourgeois you could ever meet, and they were so out of touch, it made me feel excluded.

But then right after, I said to myself “open your heart”. Because my reaction has nothing to do with what she said, I’m just creating things in my head. She probably had good intentions but my mind went straight to her possibly being a “bad person”.

Anyways I just wanted to write this because I think a few months ago I would’ve lived by this separation between “good and evil”, and I would judge harshly people. And now, it feels surreal that I’m able to be aware of my own hatred and fear right when it happens.

Why do I always assume the worst out of people? Why don’t I give them grace instead?

Ram Dass said something that stuck with me forever.

14/06/2025

I’ve always been this way, but for some reasons, it’s been bothering me more and more lately, maybe because I’m tired of living this way.

Life is bland when you put yourself at the center of everything, you end up always wanting more because nothing feeds you, you got a taste of your desires but then a few moments later it’s like you had nothing.

I think people will have their own definition of what is love, but I will be cocky enough to tell you that I have the right definition of love.

I think love is something you should BE, you shouldn’t take love as something that is transactional, love isn’t only a worldly matter, love is the first feeling I get when I think of God.

So I think we should really be careful about the way we see love, the way we act in the name of love. Because of how sacred it is, I think it’s worth knowing what it is all about.

When we put ourselves at the center, then love becomes a selfish act. We should love for the love of love. We should love out of true compassion. We should love in an understanding that the other person that I love is myself as well, we’re part of the same source, because as soon as you create the separation between all beings, then the love becomes desire, and desire will always lead you to suffering if you don’t understand that getting what you want won’t make you fulfilled.

But to love out of compassion is something hard because you have to see it through. You have to see through people’s incarnation, you have to see through their suffering, through their form, and understand that you feel compassion because you see beyond what they appear to be.

You love because it is your duty in this incarnation, you love because you want to liberate yourself and others from the suffering, you love because it is in your being and every time you go against this love, you’re filled with fear and confusion, because love is our nature, and it doesn’t feel good to go against our nature.

11/06/2025

I can’t seem to be coherent with my actions. Yesterday I wanted something, the next day I want something completely different.

I guess what I’m chasing is a radical change, I’m just not sure what form it should take. So yesterday, I thought it should take the form of selling my iPhone to keep away any temptation from me. Today, I think it might take form in being totally devoted to the divine, and tomorrow?

I think I’m a very confused woman, but I respect the honesty that I have to admit that I don’t know what I’m doing.

But if I really listen to my heart, the answer is pretty intuitive. I need to be more present within my body and stop treating it like a martyr. My body and my heart tell me so many things, but I just decide to ignore them because I’m too busy getting seduced by my never ending thoughts.

10/06/2025

Yesterday I took the impulsive (but very wise) decision to switch my iPhone for a dumb phone. And it all started with the fact that I was spiraling because a man didn't interact with my posts on Instagram, which is crazy, I am fully aware.

But I am grateful to where this is leading me, because God knew that I would see the irony of my situation through something as stupid as this.

In reality, my reaction to him not interacting with me, was just the tip of the iceberg, it's just a symptom of a disease that's been in me for as long as I can remember.

I think my phone played a role in how I see myself, and it impacted me badly. I was never aware of this, but I was always comparing myself to others, and it’s very subtle.

I live my life through other people’s life, and my brain is confusing the dopamine that I feel from scrolling, with actual real life activities that could also bring me dopamine but in a different way.

What made me do it, is seeing that if you spend just 2 hours a day on your phone, it’s a total spent of 10 years of your life. Are you kidding me??

I always thought that I was wasting my life away for convenience, for the easy way, for that fake sense of community.

I wonder what my life is going to look like without a phone. How will I spend my time? Hopefully by creating more than I consume, or maybe by consuming more mindfully.

I know why life seemed more magical up until I turned 13, it was because I wasn’t being a slave of my phone.

Since I know that not sharing anything with the world will make me feel like there’s a void inside of me, I will use this platform to share whatever I need to share at the moment, because that’s something that I truly enjoy doing.