More or Les Me

Yellen is really saying we can absolutely afford to BORROW money for another war.

Before Eddie got shot, what was the main theme that we were all supposed to be honed into? Oh something about following his own heart, not Christopher’s. And that got Eddie confused but thinking about the potential meaning behind Carla’s words. That’s why the way he was shot was filmed so romantically. He gets shot in front of the one person who loves him unconditionally. They’re the only two people in that moment and you can see with the way Eddie’s eyes immediately look for Buck’s, that this is meant to be seen in a romantic aspect.

To further prove that theory, you see them holding eye contact before Eddie falls down. You see Eddie reaching out for Buck, literally following who his heart wants, but is just shy from touching him. Buck gets to him and saves him and even when Buck gets Eddie to safety, Eddie’s main concern is if Buck is hurt. It’s so heavily romantically coded that there’s no doubt in anyone’s mind what is happening there.

It further cements that fact when Eddie wakes up and asks for Buck. He’s asking for who his heart wants. That is why we are only the two of them in Eddie’s room and no one else. Because the theme of that episode was romantic relationships. He’s also the one reassuring Buck in the end, using his given name, that he’s not expendable. And he, in his own little Eddie Diaz way, confesses his feelings by giving Buck his heart in the form of his son.

When you take a look at “In Another Life”, it is completely different. It’s not romantically coded in any sense, rather heavily family coded. It’s meant to focus on Buck and his relationships with those he considers family. We saw glimpses of that foreshadowing in the episode before where we see the reappearance of his parents and that one on one with Bobby. So of course his family members, both biological and chosen, are going to be the ones who are predominately featured in this episode. Eddie isn’t family like everyone else is. He’s something completely different and because this wasn’t an episode with romantic themes, of course he wasn’t heavily featured in it.

I proceeded to tell her about a time when I was a kid and she was yelling, screaming, and throwing things, and I said "I love you" in that small timid kid voice and she said

"well I don't love you right now"

don’t do that. go to the grocery store and order one of those deli party platters. the ones with like, four different kinds each of meats and cheeses, maybe some sides, and veggies, and bread, and condiments. get the vegetarian version if you know they’re vegetarians. whatever. you know better than i how many people are gonna be eating it, but guess maybe, like, four day’s worth of food.

because, here’s the thing. cards and flowers are very nice, and remind you that you’re in people’s thoughts. but you know what you just. don’t even want to think about when someone dies? making dinner. going to the grocery store. ordering takeout. whatever. you don’t want to have to think about food. you just want to eat in between planning a funeral and working through your grief.

without getting too into it, when my grandma died, we were thrown for a loop. and we ate nothing but what was on that goddamned deli platter for days. because it was quick and easy and fresh and tasted good and we didn’t have to think about food. and ten years later, i don’t remember those cards or flowers, but i sure as hell remember the deli platter.

I remember my mom’s best friend at the time landing on our doorstep with BAGS of groceries that fed us for a couple of weeks.

When my mother died nearly a year ago: I know that a cousin ordered a bouquet of flowers and they were lovely.

What I remember is my mom’s friends landing in my doorstep with bags of groceries that kept me going for a while so I didn’t have to think about feeding myself because I was absolutely lost in a sea of grief and being suddenly Alone and just in a daze of “What the fuck just happened?  Why am I alone?  Where are you?  WHY AM I ALONE?  What do I do now?”

When my dad died, my unit’s condolences were a MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE variety sandwich tray from Jason’s Deli and all the things that hygo with giant sandwich platters (chips, fruit tray, cookie tray, potato salad maybe? some other things, this is like the BIG PARTY PACK or something). I mean, even with me, mom, two sisters, four kids, a BIL, and a sister’s boyfriend, that was five days of food at minimum. Mom’s unit, on the other hand, sent both cash–not loose cash, someone took the time to convert it into practical tens and twenties–and one or two extremely generous Visa cards. 

(I”m ninety-nine percent sure this was a collaborative effort between our units.)

Simple food that required no effort whatsoever even in ‘washing dishes’, just pick up and chew; cash so we’d have that on hand if we needed it without having to go to an ATM or the bank or remember where the debit card is; the Visa gift cards because we work for the state, our names and salaries are not only public knowledge but PUBLISHED IN THE NEWSPAPER EVERY YEAR, and funerals and incidentals are expensive, especially when you don’t see them coming and you’re a public servant.

It was the most intensely practical and also utterly personal help we could have possibly gotten: it was exactly what we needed in exactly the form we needed, and so incredibly kind.  It said “we’re sorry for your loss”, but it also said “we grieve with you”.

The same thing happened when my grandfather died, but mostly just food. Again when my grandmother died.