#ryan guzman

You knew something was wrong as soon as your apartment door creaked open on its own. It was definitely locked; you remembered checking before you left for work. Ever since your neighbour’s cat got in and tore up your mail, you have always double-checked the lock, sometimes even three times. You stepped inside, holding your keys tightly and looking around the living room. Everything seemed normal. Maybe a little too normal.

"Ryan?" you called. No answer.

You took another cautious step. Suddenly, a loud CAW! echoed through the room. You jumped as a black shape flew past. It wasn’t a bat or a crow. It was a life-sized mechanical raven with tiny sunglasses. "...What?"

Before you could react, another CAW! came from the kitchen. Then another, and another. Four robotic ravens showed up from different corners of your apartment, almost like they had rehearsed it. "What is happening?"

You heard laughter from upstairs. Ryan appeared at the top of the stairs, laughing so hard he could barely stand. "Oh my God," he gasped. "Your face!" It reminded you of last Halloween, when he put confetti in your shoes and watched you discover it from three floors up. He still loved surprising you.t've."

"You filled my apartment with robot birds?"

"They were on sale."

"That... doesn't explain anything!"

Ryan shrugged, still grinning. "You said the place felt too quiet."

"I meant maybe play some music!"

"These make noise."

"They're haunting me!" One raven landed on the back of the couch and screamed another electronic CAW!

Ryan wiped tears from his eyes. "They're motion-activated."

"...Of course they are."

You crossed your arms. "So how long have they been here?"

"About... three hours."

"You've just been sitting here?"

"I wanted to see how long it'd take before you noticed them."

"I noticed the first one immediately!"

"Fair point."

You sighed dramatically. "I cannot believe this."

Ryan flashed the most innocent smile imaginable. "What? It was funny."

Before you could reply, one of the ravens rolled across the floor and bumped into another. That triggered the rest. Suddenly, every bird started screeching at once. CAW! CAW! CAW! The apartment sounded like a robot apocalypse.

Ryan blinked. "...Huh."

"You can turn them off... right?"

"...Probably."

"You don't know?"

"I assumed there was an off switch."

"You assumed?"

Ryan crouched beside the nearest bird, searching underneath it. "Nope."

Another bird started flapping its wings, and then another joined in. One flew off the bookshelf and hit Ryan’s shoulder, making him stumble. The birds got even louder. You watched him chase one around the coffee table while another screamed behind the TV. He grabbed one, and it shrieked. Another slipped between his legs. Ryan pointed accusingly at it. "Get back here!" You leaned against the wall, trying, and failing, not to laugh. "Oh, now you're enjoying this."

"I wasn't... until now."

One bird flew directly into Ryan's chest. He caught it awkwardly, only for two more to activate behind him. He looked increasingly panicked. "Why are there so many?"

"You bought them!"

"I didn't count!"

A raven spun in circles under the dining table. Ryan dove after it, knocking over a chair. A decorative pillow burst, sending feathers floating through the room.

You stared at the unfolding disaster before throwing your hands into the air. "When I said 'whatever helps you sleep at night,' I didn't mean this!"

Ryan stopped, still kneeling on the floor with a screaming robot raven under each arm. A third sat on his head. The room went quiet—almost. One lonely CAW! echoed from the hallway. You started to relax. The mess, the absurdity, and Ryan’s goofy grin were suddenly too much to resist. Your annoyance faded as you burst out laughing, and the tension between you both disappeared.

Ryan looked up at you with an exaggerated pout before laughing, too. "I'll admit," he said between chuckles, "this got slightly out of hand."

"Slightly?"

"Okay... catastrophically."

"You think?"

He looked around at the feather-covered apartment, overturned furniture, and a flock of malfunctioning robot birds. "...I owe you dinner."

As things settled, you noticed the huge mess you both had to clean up. Feathers covered everything, and the birds were still spinning in circles. Ryan gave you a sheepish grin. For all his pranks, you had to admire his dedication, even if it meant you’d both be on your knees later, picking up plastic wings and pillow fluff. Maybe this was his way of turning chaos into a team sport. "Dinner?"

"And dessert."

"You'll also be removing every single one of those birds."

Ryan nodded solemnly. "Fair." One final raven rolled across the floor and gently bumped into his foot. It let out one last dramatic CAW! He sighed. "...I'm never buying anything from the clearance aisle again."

You smiled, shaking your head. "I'll believe that when I see it."