it’s great being alive with you!

i think the scientology speedrunners should start visiting the hospital mitch mcconnell is supposed to be in. i think it would be enriching for them

washing dishes is evil because you go "oh fuck there's so many dishes this is gonna take foreverrr" and then you enter the dish abyss and emerge with your abdomen somehow covered in water and your hands all wrinky and then you look at the clock and what felt like half an hour was actually 10 minutes

the reason usa birth rates going down is because we have a whole generation of women whose sexual awakening was Sans undertale and none of the men want to wear jorts and drink ketchup and go Er er er

im swimming at the lake and accidentally kicked a fish. this has never happened in my many years of swimming. sorry man

I’ve known this post longer than I’ve known most of my friends

[Image ID: Tweet from mrs mind freak (@/ quiet_homeboy) reading: Once, while sitting in a GP clinic, I overheard a baby say "goo goo ga ga", and the mother reply: "Well. That's very stereotypical of you." /End ID]

casting spell of : i dont think that's true

you have to remember that people will simply say all kinds of things

aftercare but for your job

if i was a straight guy and my bisexual girlfriend was insistent that the woman in the most famous straight couple in the world was secretly gay because she was trapped in the closet and was forced to communicate with other gay women by secret message.... like if that particular situation really spoke to my gf i think it would make me feel crazy. what if your boyfriend was like yeah i really relate to this male celebrity because i think he's closeted and only going through the motions of heterosexual love but fundamentally his life is missing something and always will be. i love you babe