The Pan with a Plan

for about a year, i worked at a call center for sprint. i have a similar kind of story. a woman called, and said she had a question about the call history on her bill. “sure, let me just pull up your account-” and she cut me off going, “no, no, it’s not anything specific, it’s just. so, if you change the time on your phone, does that change the time on the bill?” “uh… no? the time on the phone doesn’t matter, the call history is recorded by the towers.” “ohhhh” she said in the saltiest voice i have ever heard “so even if you changed the timezone it wouldn’t change the time on the bill? to, say, the middle of the night?” i stg yall i looked into the camera like i was on the office. “um… no? it would still be the local time of the tower. is there anything else i can help you with?” to me, overly chipper: “nope! thank you! have a great day!” turning on someone as she hung up: “she says yoU’RE A LYING SACK OF-” i still mean-snicker every time i think about it.

Need to be taken apart and reassembled like a broken watch . Not in a sex way I just think they should put my joints together right this time

my buddy knows george rr martin and the reason he hasn't finished the book is he's forgotten how to spell "incest" (keeps writing insect). he's furious with himself. keeps cutting his little hat with scissors

my buddy knows george rr martin and the reason he hasn't finished the book is he's forgotten how to spell "incest" (keeps writing insect). he's furious with himself. keeps cutting his little hat with scissors

podcasts could have been so good but they decided to make the main genres True Crime and Men Talking. shut up shut up the public yearns for audio dramas

i do appreciate how tumblr LOVES podcasts that aren't what most people think of when they think "podcast." you people love strange and terrible things happening to queer & confused characters, and i respect that

I hope I don't ever have to hear "racism is an American thing" and "there's less racism in Europe" ever again 😭 the fact that it wasn't enough that people just had regular experiences with racism to be believable, it took seeing literal white supremacist riots?? Okay. No more "they're European so their politics-" are the og source of racism, yes. 👍🏾

When half the planet currently speaks English, Spanish, Portuguese, and/or French... Well i just think those languages came from somewhere but I can't quite put my finger on it...

American racists are just stupider and have guns.

From the European racists I've dealt with on this app, stupider is pushing it. They have the same ideologies, just deluded themselves into thinking it's Classier.

From my personal experience, they are also way more annoying about it.

I'm thinking on it more, you're def right! Because they'll say the same Racist Rhetoric and then say "but Europe isn't racist like the US". So not only is it stupid, but they also think YOU'RE stupid.

Any setting where the elves have weaker booze than the dwarves isn't committing to the bit

Look, there's this weird thing people do with high fantasy where they want elves to be immortal/extremely long-lived snooty aristocrats and also somehow incapacitated by imagining the taste of salt too hard. "Orcs and dwarves have the hardest booze" no they don't, they have work in the morning! In any of these settings, elves would pregame harder than hobbits party and everyone else has shit to do tomorrow.

The average high elf builds up the drug tolerance of a mid-70s Hollywood producer and then spends three centuries studying alchemy. While humans seek immortality, the Immortals seek the elusive "philosopher's cocaine."

Elf Fentanyl works exactly the way cops think human fentanyl does

oh, no, you misunderstand me. those were my monkeys. yeah the circus and i have since parted ways. yeah it was the elephant thing, i dont really want to address that right now though

one more day til the stop sign

Everyone get up it’s stop sign day

Stop sign day

STOP SIGN DAY

Official stop sign day

Official stop sign day

Official stop sign day

Official stop sign day

The fact that GLaDOS drops Chell off in a post apocalyptic world but we never get to see canon rugged post apocalyptic survivor Chell has harrowed me for 7 years. That is like the one reason I wanted a Portal 3. I NEED to see her timeskipped with 20% more stress induced gray hairs, and a rifle, and tattered jacket, and bandaged hands, and chilling and cooking a rotisserie headcrab over a fire in her impromptu camp with like her long stretch of chain reaction physics based traps surrounding it, and she is using the companion cube as a bench. I know she has the will to carve it out, out there

and glados has to shuffle her sad gay ass over in the form of a tiny mobile messenger bot because she needs help because the combine or something are breaching aperture and surely even chell will see that it would be a disaster if they got their hands on aperture technology. but in trying to reach her she accidentally triggers a trap and gets bounced around wildly to each of the other traps in succession as is the design and chell just watches the whole thing without helping even though she knows who it is. This is the beginning of portal 3 btw so i hope you imagined that in first person POV

the first pitch for portal 3 that has me on board normally I'm like nah bruh the narrative arc has reached a satisfying conclusion we're done here but the idea of Glados building herself a skittery little mobile body and running after Chell to ask for help delights and intrigues me 'there are rude violent disgusting humans destroying my test chambers' 'so I immediately thought of you. the rudest most violent maniac I've ever known' and technically this is all your fault seeing as YOU disabled my deadly neurotoxin and left me alone and defenceless to the whims of a cruel uncaring world are you going to take responsibility for your actions or are you gping to let these ruffians escape with the power to detonate the planet oh did I not mention the aperture science planetary detonation device?

Evil wizard tasteful pin-up magazine but it's all photos of like, skinny old goths coyly fingering cursed amulets, long-bearded sorcerers doing the 'oopsie' pose as their corrosive destruction spell destroys enough of their own robes to show some skin, naked desiccated lich king positioning his staff of human skulls just so it leaves something to the imagination, dark knights in full armor just holding their soul-eating blades out in front of their codpieces, orc chieftain who did not understand the assignment and is posing with a monster he killed like one of those guys-with-fish photos. Or maybe he DID understand the assignment. Hmm.