One of my coworkers is in his fifties, has a reputation as the resident “grumpy old man,” and is definitely not always politically correct.
But one time at a work party he said something that I don’t even remember what it is, but it bugged him so much that THREE DAYS LATER (it was a long weekend) he pulled me aside to apologize. He said he was afraid he’d made me uncomfortable, and he felt really bad about it. He explicitly said he wanted to make sure I had a comfortable work environment. He assured me that if he ever said something that did make me uncomfortable, I could just tell him to knock it off and he’d stop. Or, he added, if that was scary, I could tell one of our coworkers and THEY could tell him to knock it off. He was terribly humble and earnest through the whole of it, and I was completely taken aback because, like I said, I couldn’t even remember what he’d done wrong. This coworker also, despite having at least twenty+ years of experience on me and being an expert in the field, has always taken the time to listen to my ideas and engage with me on solving technical issues like I also am an expert in the field.
And I would MUCH rather work with him than any guy who knows all the right feminist lingo but doesn’t listen to a thing I say. The goal has ALWAYS been to treat everyone with kindness and respect, and once a person’s activism gets removed from that, they’re sidetracking progress. The right words aren’t nearly as important as the heart behind it.
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