Unspoken Thoughts

Do you ever feel like you’re far behind from your friends and colleagues?

Like half of your friends are getting married, having a family. Half of them are achieving their dreams and living their best life. And then there you are, just floating in the air.

And that’s okay. Life is not a race. We all have a different pace. Just move at your own pace and you’ll get there soon! Even though it’s a small progress, it is still a progress. One day, you’ll look back and see how far you’ve become.

Don’t look for love, let love find you.

Hi, I thought of writing something tonight.

It was just an ordinary Monday; a busy Monday became an ordinary these days. It was supposed to be an ordinary, busy and calm Monday ‘til I washed the dishes this evening. While I was washing, I became really anxious, so I was finding in me what’s the reason behind of the sudden anxiousness.

Time flies so fast and I keep denying to myself that I am already left behind. Everyone is having their own life and genuinely happy, and here I am stuck in the circle of depression, anxiety, self-doubt, self-pity, and identity crisis. I felt a sudden urge and wanting to go back to school, but I don’t have the means to pay for my own tuition. Tbh, I just want to finish all of these and get a degree because I thought of something that it might solve some percent of my problems, and to make my parents proud. Also, I thought of, if I earn a degree, I’d be more confident, self-validated (although not necessary) and will find my self-worth (I dunno about this). But I’m still hopeful though that I’ll have a degree soon– in time.

Later this evening, before 4th of October ends. It really felt good to have a “great” conversation with someone. What I mean about “great conversation” is having a sensible, sincere and deep conversation with someone who is close to you. I really felt understand and heard this night because we really feel the same way, that we have our down phase, that disappearing doesn’t mean running away.

Otis: I know I don’t really understand anything about love, but I think she’s my person.

It’s good to be back, and it’s been a while since the last time I’ve written something here.

I know it’s the 1st day of October, but can I just talk about September? it went by so fast– it flew like a blink of an eye. Days fled so fast this time, and we’re quarter away to end the year. Anyways, many things happened in September. I got my second dose of vaccine (so I’m fully vaccinated now). I went out a few times with friends. Someone from the past offered me a gift, well, who am I to decline? Had an misunderstanding with some online friends. The tea is, I just want to avoid drama and issues because I, myself, is dealing with a lot of drama and issues. I just don’t want to get involved to any of them. The world is full of toxic, I don’t want to add more in my life.

September wasn’t bad after all, although I started it with RT-PCR Test and spent almost half of the month being home-quarantined. Still ended it with so much fun by being drunk with friends, although I’m not supposed to drink yet, but they said that the vaccine doesn’t contain a chemical that would anticipate with alcohol– yep, I broke the rule. but it was worth it because I really had fun.

It’s October and I’m manifesting that this month and the remaining months of this year will be full of abundance, joy, good health, peace of mind, sanity, freedom, and money, I AM CLAIMING THAT ENERGY TO KNOCK IN MY LIFE.

I finally had a haircut today. I was really nervous that I might look worse but it’s pretty good. My family said that it looks good on me and I believe them. Thanks to spin-the-wheel on Google in helping me decide if I should get a haircut or not. It ain’t bad after all, but my flaws are visible and really obvious. Ugh.

Nothing special about today, just decided to finally go out and have a haircut. Same old, same old. Days are passing by so so fast istg. Can you slow tf down? I’m still in my depression phase– I’m trying to heal, emotionally, mentally and physically.

Hi, guess what? I took a few selfies and boomerangs tonight. I gained like 5% self-esteem. Thanks to instagram and snapchat filters tho.

My initial plan today is to get a haircut and spend time with myself; go to cafes or mall. Unluckily, unfortunately, or whatever the odds call it, I dropped and broke a glass of water, accidentally. They say it’s a bad omen here in the Philippines (I guess to Feng Shui too) so I was really anxious after it happened. I was afraid to go out and my plan didn’t go as it was. So I just stayed home and being anxious the whole day, waiting for the negative vibe to actually happen. But my aunt said it was just the negative energy that was released, so it’s still a bad omen but still kinda unsure and anxious to go out.

Been fighting the whole day with myself if I should get a haircut. I even put on Google a spin-the-wheel to help me decide, even my nieces helped me to decide if I should get a haircut. All of them said a big NO— I tried spinning the wheel a few times and still it said NO. So I didn’t get a haircut today.

Hi, it’s been a while since I last posted. It’s because the past three days were just ordinary same days; I did the same thing, same routine. Today, I mean tonight, I feel like writing. I feel like, I have something to share or to blab about.

I never looked at myself in the mirror for the past few days because I don’t want to feel bad, I don’t want to feel insecure or to feel down about how ugly I am these days. It’s been a month that I look this way, it’s getting worse each day, tbh. Today, I tried to take a selfie and turn out that I was looking at myself on the screen of my phone, feeling bad because of how badly I look. I really feel the ugliest istg. I kept thinking if I could still gain the old self; fresh, no dark circles under my eyes, no wounds and scars on my head and no acnes. God, I miss looking cute and feeling good about myself. Tbh, I don’t know if I am fine physically because all I know and I am sure about is I am not fine mentally and emotionally, although, I am trying. I just wanna feel and look pretty again. I feel like crying thinking about it, not mentioning the body pains I feel all over my body. I question myself, “Am I really fine or just trying to be fine?”

Hi, I started talking to my main friends today because I got some teas to spill. And it seems like nothing happened– seems like I didn’t ghost all of them and treated me the same way as before. I’m glad that nothing much has changed.

And I’m so happy that my imessage is already working. I’m kinda into it and use it a lik extra today by messaging my friends. It’s funny because I’m too neo on it; exploring and like a kid who’s very excited to play his new toy. And my friends really find me funny and bubbly because of my innocence.

Finally had the chance to went out after almost a month of quarantine. It felt so good and I swear to god, I missed the outside world. I felt free– I was able to breathe. All the stress are gone, although I was stressed earlier because we attended a birthday party. Still, I’m so glad that I was able to experience again the outside world.

And, after two weeks of alcohol-free, I took a few shots of tequila and I missed my friends. It taste good but it would taste better with good friends. I remember the good old days, days before the pandemic. When will this end?

Not one single soul will will be able to understand the battles you had to face inside your head just to heal, grow and just be here today. Be proud of how the way you fought to save yourself. Be proud of how the way you survived.

Still can’t go out.

Tomorrow’s my best friend’s birthday, and I can’t go out– I can’t see her, hug her, celebrate with her, though she’s gonna celebrate her birthday on weekend, but still can’t go out. The last day of our quarantine is on the 12th, but I guess still can’t go out because of the COVID-scare of this family. I really want to go just because I’m going crazy for staying here for a long time. It’s like forever for not going out. It’s giving me so much anxiety. I want to go out for a quick breather– to unwind.

Anyways, I appreciate someone today. I’m talking to this person that I met on Twitter and he’s from Cebu. I vent out to him yesterday because I’m done with this life and lost all my zest. So he asked me if he could book me a flight going to Cebu since I’ll be moving there soon, why not make it earlier. He’s very insistent about it. I really appreciate how he wants me to be away from what’s making me anxious and what’s stressing me out.

Update: still feel the ugliest state. I’m very conscious and worried about this (I don’t know if these are) pimple on my face. My face is so ugly– not the best state, pimples, scars, oily, dry, rough, and very itchy.