[sad tentacle noises]

I shrug. "What do you mean?"

Addie tucks a loose strand of hair behind my ear. "You, my darling, have been unusually quiet today, so there seems to be something on your mind."

Damnit. Am I really that bad at hiding it? "It's nothing." I wave her off, knowing full well she won't accept that answer.

Fuck it. I've been putting this off for days now. I don't want to have this talk, even though I know I have to. I hate this.

Gnawing on my lips, I sigh, before quietly announcing, "I have to tell you something."

"Okay?"

Addie looks at me, patiently waiting, but I have a hard time keeping eye contact for this, so instead, I stare at the ground. Then she gently grabs one of my hands, intertwining our fingers, caressing me with her thumb. Usually, I love all those little gestures, those casual touches, because they always feel so affectionate. Caring. And right now, this is meant to be supportive, encouraging - but that only makes it harder.

I pull away, untangling our fingers, and wrap my arms around my knees instead. After taking a deep breath, I finally get it over with.

"I know this… this thing between us is supposed to be casual. Just sex. A little distraction. Like, I knew that from the start, and I was fine with it." I really was. I couldn't believe my luck when that beautiful, smart, successful woman I had a massive crush on actually wanted me, too, but I was well aware that it would never result in anything more than a fling. How could it? "The problem is…" I take another deep breath, still unable to look at her. "I tried, I really tried to keep it casual. But right now, I am failing miserably, because you're just so…" I shake my head, looking for the right word. Stunning. Amazing. Breathtaking in every conceivable way. God, why am I so pathetic? What am I even doing here?

"Fia. Look at me, please," Addie says, her voice gentle. When I finally manage to force myself to do so, she softly asks, "Is this a breakup talk, or a love confession?"

I make a face. "The latter. Ideally." Yeah, maybe I sent the wrong signals with my weird little speech here. I'm terrible at this stuff.

She chuckles and caresses my face. "Come here."

I sink into her arms, and she wraps me up tightly, nuzzling into my hair, while I inhale her familiar smell for a second.

"I'm crazy about you," I say before I can stop myself. "Every day, I'm falling for you more and more. And I have no idea how I can keep pretending that I'm not."

"Then don't," Addie replies, and I look up at her, a little confused. "Do you want us to be less 'casual'? A real, serious relationship?"

"Is that an option?" I ask, baffled.

"Why wouldn't it be?"

"Because I don't fit into your life." Isn't that obvious? She's so busy with all her work stuff and her extensive social life and all that. It's one thing to have me over for a night here and there, but to make this something real? "Also, you are so far out of my league in every way. The thought alone seems ridiculous."

Addie frowns. "Darling, what are you talking about?"

"What, you want to be like 'This is my girlfriend, the college dropout. She works as a secretary.'?"

She strokes my cheek. "You really think I care about that? Besides, I should be the one worrying - you might realize soon enough you don't want to be with an ugly, old hag twice your age."

"Oh please," I laugh, rolling my eyes. So what if she's approaching fifty, she's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, and will be when she's a hundred.

Addie gets serious again. "Of course you fit into my life. I'll make space for you. Because I really, really enjoy you. Not just the sex. You." I gaze at her, trying so hard not to choke up. Does she actually mean that? Her smile makes the butterflies in my stomach go wild. "So - can I introduce you to people as my scandalously young girlfriend from now on?"

"I'd like that. A lot," I answer with a grimace. I'd love nothing more, in fact.

"Well, it's settled then," she grins and pulls me into a kiss.

Holy shit. That went… surprisingly well. Huh.

"But just for the record?" Addie murmurs against my lips. "We should work on your way of setting the mood for a talk like this."

"Yeah, we should… Sorry about that," I laugh, nuzzling into her face. Let's assume I don't need a 'talk like this' anytime soon.

---

We're currently on one of the farthest edges of Empire space, lots of uncharted planets in the region, which comes with new local wildlife. And that in turn means the doctors on the team, including Helena, have never seen this little monster before, and according to the test results, it injected something into my bloodstream. So, of course, Helena now has me under observation in the medlab on our ship. I hate it.

"Sofiya, sit back down, please."

Without thinking, I do as I am told, then I look at Helena. "Huh."

"What's wrong?"

"Oh, I just… I didn't mean to sit down," I explain, a bit confused. "I just automatically did, somehow."

She eyes me intently for a few long moments, then she orders: "Lift your arms over your head, please?"

I do so immediately, as if my body is remote-controlled. "What the…?"

Helena gets that predator smile of hers, and I am not happy about it. "Stick your thumb in your mouth."

Glaring at her, I follow the order.

"Slap yourself in the face."

"Helena, what the-" I interrupt myself with a reasonably strong smack. "Ow, fuck! Will you stop that?"

Her smile gets wider. "Stand up, lift your skirt, and show me your underwear."

"Oh, you can't be serious," I complain while doing as I'm told. What the hell is going on here? Did this damn animal seriously turn me into some kind of mindless doll that is now dancing for her enjoyment? Because she definitely enjoys this, which is really messed up.

"Very interesting," she states with a smirk. "Leland, could you come over here, please?"

"Helena!" I hiss, gesturing at my skirt that I am still holding up. I know she loves humiliating me, but I really don't need my coworkers to see me like this.

For once, she has mercy. "Oh, right. Put your skirt down again, please."

"Thank you," I press out through gritted teeth, smoothing my clothes just in time before Leland joins us.

"A change in her condition?"

"Not exactly," Helena explains. "But I discovered something very curious. Sofiya, stand on your right leg, please." I follow the instructions while glaring at her. "Now on the left one, please."

Leland frowns. "Huh. She simply obeys your commands?"

"I don't think it's limited to mine," Helena replies.

"Fia, put your hands over your eyes, please," he orders, and of course, I obey. I hate how they treat me like their little puppet on a string.

"I wonder…" Helena thinks out loud. "Sofiya, I want you to ignore Leland's next command."

"Fia, start jumping up and down, please." I do as I am told, and he talks to Helena as if I'm not even here. "Yes, I think it simply overrides the last command. Notice how she put her leg down earlier before following the next command, instead of doing that additionally?"

"Very curious," Helena murmurs.

Meanwhile, I am still jumping up and down. "Guys?" I complain, getting more annoyed every minute.

"Oh, I apologize," Leland states dryly. "Feel free to stop that."

Somehow, that did not have any effect, and I'm almost scared for a second that this is my fate now - jumping until I pass out or something.

"Sofiya, stop jumping." That does the trick, and I breathe a sigh of relief. "Direct commands only," Helena informs Leland.

"This could work as a sort of truth serum," he notes. "Fia, tell me your mother's first name, please."

"Stephanie," I answer without hesitation. Oh God, I hope Helena doesn't use this to ask me something embarrassing. I wouldn't put it past her.

She grimaces instead. "We have so many more effective substances for that. And the remaining awareness of being controlled seriously limits the use for that purpose."

"Assuming she will still remember everything afterwards."

"True."

Sometimes I forget I am working with a bunch of mad scientists. Moments like this remind me, and I can't say I'm particularly happy about it. Especially when I am the damn test subject.

"But now I wonder…" Helena turns back to me. "Sofiya, recite the first few lines of the novel you are currently reading."

I think about it, but then I shrug. "Nope, sorry, can't remember."

She almost seems a little disappointed. "I see. So no unearthing of unconscious memories. Pity."

They both look at me silently for a few moments, and I don't even want to know what is currently going through their minds. I just want them to stop this, make it go away, instead of testing how far they can take it.

Leland props his chin up on his hand. "Hm."

"What are you thinking?"

"It'd be interesting to see if you can also control autonomic nervous system functions with this."

"Want to try stopping her heart?" Helena suggests, a lot more nonchalantly than I would like her to.

"Hey!" I protest, mouth agape. She can't be serious.

"Let's go with something less extreme," Leland counters, equally unconcerned.

"Respiration then."

"I'll get the oxygen mask."

"Guys, can we maybe talk about this first?" I interject, baffled by their complete lack of care about what I want. I'm used to this from Helena, but somehow I always assumed Leland was a bit more compassionate.

Helena is not impressed by my objections. "Sofiya, lie down on the medbed and hold your breath, please."

I watch in horror as my body follows the instructions, and I can feel the panic rising inside me. "Helena, please don't."

Then I stop breathing, even though I really, really don't want to. It is so scary how I can't make my body obey - I can't even protest anymore. All that is left for me is sending pleading looks at Helena, not that she cares. I know they won't let me die, but I am still very much freaking out.

"Don't worry, my dear, you'll be fine," Helena murmurs, stroking my hair, while Leland returns with an oxygen mask.

The next minute or so ticks by, and my desire to breathe gets stronger and stronger - and yet, I just can't. I'm getting a little lightheaded.

"How long?" Leland asks, patiently looking down on me.

"78 seconds."

"Not bad for someone untrained."

I glare up at him and notice how it gets harder and harder to focus my eyes. God, I'm so woozy…

Next thing I know, I am taking a deep, panicked breath so forcefully it almost hurts. I need a moment to orient myself.

Leland presses the oxygen mask on my face. "You're okay, just breathe. Everything's fine."

"So, loss of consciousness ends the current command," Helena notes dryly.

I push Leland and his mask away and jump off the medbed. "This was so fucked up!"

Helena smiles at me. "Sofiya, calm down. You're okay."

"I will not calm down! I think I have every right to be upset about this, and to be mad at you! Both of you!" I yell, gesturing at them. Yes, I might be physically okay, but this was really scary, and I hate how they don't seem to understand that.

"Sofiya, sit down, please."

"No!" I cross my arms in front of my chest and glare at her.

"Huh, so that also ends the overall effect," Leland states. "Interesting."

Helena sighs. "Really limits the usefulness, in my opinion."

---