I don't really think enough about how the realisation of Ilya's happiest life completely severs him from his home...... because like yes for him the concept of Russia is fraught - it's his father, his brother, his mother, his friends, the joy of childhood, the misery of growing up, a sense of belonging, a feeling of being at war with the dominant culture - but the finality of it is quite simple. Never again.
I mean like what he feels for Russia isn't hatred, it's another iteration of the complicated loyalty he has to both his parents, a queasy feeling that you can't pry what's hurt you from what you love (what you love always hurts you). But unlike his parents, Russia hasn't died! it still exists, you can go there, it's just that he can't! Imagine waking up in the middle of the night with the memory of a street you will never walk again. The knowledge that you will never again feel the relief of a place where everyone speaks your language, understands your baseline personality. Certain dishes, scents, views, seasons, all inaccessible. No negotiating that. He'll never be able to untangle his feelings from the inside, it will have to be done at a distance, and the pain of that is buried at the back of every thought. Ilya will never get to be a beloved Canadian figure in any straightforward way, and he'll also never take his rightful place as a Russian icon.......
HOWEVER I don't think there's any question of whether the trade-off was worth it. He would make the same choice again tomorrow. And it'll get a little easier as the years go on, but the loss is something he'll grapple with for the rest of his life
2087
gummygunk
stormborns
snowghoul
blakekathryn
germansingergirl
