bless me anyway

Shane: baby, of course. I would take such good care of you. Get you the nicest dirt I could. & I’d bring you to the rink every day so you could wiggle around on the ice :)

Ilya: okay :D would you still love me if I was bad at hockey?

I mean like what he feels for Russia isn't hatred, it's another iteration of the complicated loyalty he has to both his parents, a queasy feeling that you can't pry what's hurt you from what you love (what you love always hurts you). But unlike his parents, Russia hasn't died! it still exists, you can go there, it's just that he can't! Imagine waking up in the middle of the night with the memory of a street you will never walk again. The knowledge that you will never again feel the relief of a place where everyone speaks your language, understands your baseline personality. Certain dishes, scents, views, seasons, all inaccessible. No negotiating that. He'll never be able to untangle his feelings from the inside, it will have to be done at a distance, and the pain of that is buried at the back of every thought. Ilya will never get to be a beloved Canadian figure in any straightforward way, and he'll also never take his rightful place as a Russian icon.......