bless me anyway

and i think what we tend to miss about the core of the tiger mom stereotype - what gets washed away by the racism of it all - is that tiger moms push their kids to these ends because they're scared. a lot of tiger moms (as traditionally depicted in media and as i've personally known them!) are women who are freshly immigrated to the states. they're women who are so aware of the precarious status of their "americanness," and so aware of the privileges being american is supposed to afford them, but most importantly their children. i think with tiger moms, there's this need to see that the sacrifices are all worth it, yes - and that means having a child more successful than yourself, but also a need to prove that you AND your family deserve to be here, in this country that thinks of you as an invader, but is also so happy to use you as a token. i can't quite speak for the asian-canadian experience (i am an american), but the asian-american minority status is so constantly being mediated through our proximity to whiteness, which is itself only afforded to us as a means of weaponization against other, "less desirable" minorities.

and i think a lot about how yuna tells the montreal gm that hockey was her way of "really feeling canadian" as a kid. i think about how the gm tells her that they're so happy to be breaking barriers (as they've done historically!) by drafting the first-ever asian-canadian player to the metros/voyageurs. i think a lot about how shane admits to rose that having a western last name shielded him from the worst of the bullying the only other asian kid in his mites league experienced - but also how that made the other asian kid fucking hate him as a result.

yuna wants shane to stand as someone other little asian-canadians can look to and think, oh, if shane hollander, Canadian Golden Boy, looks just like me, then maybe i'm also canadian. maybe i don't have to question my place in this country, in my classroom, on the ice. and she pushes him to do it, to have all these sponsorships, to be a representative, to be a Role Model, because it's what she needed when she was younger. she needed a Shane Hollander, Captain Canada. she wants shane to be protected by that fame, and she wants him to have it because he deserves it, and i think she knows that if she were not pushing for it, he wouldn't have half the attention he rightfully deserves (i mean look at jason robertson). but it's also something i think yuna needed as well.

but then it breaks my heart because all of this is just so much pressure on shane. and shane loves his mom. and he understands where she's coming from - he wants to live up to all these expectations and desires heaped on his shoulders, because it's the good thing to do, and it's the right thing to do, and he wants his mom and canada and all those little asian-canadian kids to be proud of him, and to be proud to be like him. and he spends SO MUCH TIME trying to force himself into these palatable, easily-adoptable, tokenized shapes. shane hollander can't be gay, because that's too much on the asian thing (as is quite literally stated in TLG). shane hollander can't turn the media persona off, because it won't read as charming in the way it would if it was a white guy doing it. shane hollander has to perform and perform and perform, because if he has a slump, if he can't put up goals, and do these insane, incredible, record-breaking things, then maybe his place in the league isn't justifiable anymore, and maybe all these people were WRONG to pin their hopes on him.

is it any wonder that shane spends so much time denying himself the things he wants? he has to, because otherwise he starts denying people what they want of him. shane has to diet, because dieting means his body will run optimally just a little bit longer and he can keep being Good Representation for just a bit longer. shane can't have ilya, because ilya is a subversion of everything shane is supposed to be - a straight, redblooded, heterosexual man. shane can't be too effeminate, because that's playing into what every racist in the league and outside of the league is already saying about him (and do NOT worry i haven't fucking forgotten that weird bit about shane being hairless and small that popped up in HR. what was that about). he can't cry. he can't show any kind of weakness, can't be bothered by being compared to tiger woods and serena williams, can't be mad about every little thing that's expected of him, regardless of his feelings. shane can't give up control, because if he does, and he finds himself in the shape that's most comfortable for him, he's not Shane Hollander, Captain Canada anymore. he's just shane. and the people don't seem to really want just shane.

i don't think that's really yuna's fault. i also don't think yuna is a bad person, nor that she's a bad mom. i think she loves hockey, and she loves her son, but that she's also just a fucking person. and being an immigrant in a predominantly white country, no matter how progressive it might claim to be, is scary. it's often a little traumatizing (for however dramatic that might sound). you realize how it feels to be unwanted, and for a parent, that means you want your kids to never, ever feel that way. and i think for yuna, that manifests in pushing shane to be public, pushing for him to be the face of the NHL/MLH, and pushing for him to represent for asian-canadians. i don't think she does it for malicious reasons. i think she realizes the position shane is in, and the way the league is often actively hostile to minorities it can't use. i think she's also made a decision to use that in a way she knows will keep shane as safe as she can make him. the NHL/MLH has to appear progressive, and shane hollander is a generational talent. if her son is a figurehead, maybe he'll be safe.

but that always comes at a cost. shane's a token, whether rachel reid chooses to explicitly address it or not. and that real tokenization he experiences is part of what keeps him scared and closeted, i think. it's that fear that drives him to stay in there, to only plan to come out when he's done playing. it is so fucking awful to be propped up and trotted around as the Token Asian. it's hard, and people are always so racist without even knowing they are or meaning to be - and that's saying nothing about the ones who are deliberately racist. and shane deals with that as best he can, with the limited tools he has (please go to fucking therapy, shane hollander), and i think being the Gay Token Asian on top of that is an insane thing to ask of anyone. especially in a sport as traditionally homophobic as hockey. shane deprives himself of things that he wants - things he really wants and maybe can't even live without - until that deprivation breaks him, in a way. he denies his sexuality until he can't anymore. he's planning to stay closeted with ilya until his career is over, because he's so scared of the consequences of coming out. he bites his tongue and lets the commissioner threaten him over his sexuality. shane tells the voyageurs about his sexuality - not even his relationship! - and is abandoned.

and in the end its all about fear. yuna is scared for her son in a country that might not love them, and a sport that will not love him for who he is. shane is scared of letting everyone down. and they spiral, on and on and on, until they talk.

i think that's why the scene in 1.06 means so much to me. shane tries to apologize. "i tried really hard" i tried not to be gay. i tried to be what you wanted me to be. i tried to be what everyone else needed me to be. and yuna just...apologizes to him. "i'm so sorry" she's sorry she put him in this situation. she's sorry she made him feel as though he couldn't tell her. she's sorry she made him alone, even if she didn't mean to.