Whatever

I remember that for years when I was younger I would accuse myself of fabricating feeling depressed. Eventually it occurred to me that I really don’t have any control over my thought. Mental illness inclines me towards negativity. No one would choose this for themselves. It does get in the way of my life sometimes. Tonight I can’t bring myself to get up and go to the gym and I’m crying for some reason. I also have autism, and I think that maybe that affects my ability to connect with how I’m feeling. Idk

Life has seemed really pointless lately. For a while actually. Work is fine, but being on break is hard. I miss feeling happy. I haven’t really felt bad in a while and idrk what I feel bad about but I just feel so unmotivated and regretful about the past. I should have fought for her. She was the only person who really truly understood me. She’s the only one who’s seen me at my worst. She’s the only one who knew what I struggle with. I let her go. I ran away. I guess I wanted her to run after me, but why would she? I was awful. I would have left too, and seeing what I’ve become without her I wouldn’t come back either. Idk who this is for. Ig I put this here because I know no one will see it. I don’t want to worry people. This feeling will pass just like it always does. Right?

I don’t know who will see this. Probably no one. I don’t know how much longer I can go on feeling so bad. It feels like things will never get better. I don’t want anything anymore. I’m afraid of what will happen if I can’t feel better.