the crustacean station

you cant fucking hurt me bitch im protected by the migratory bird act

The thing is nobody at pride is evaluating you to determine if you’re queer enough to be there because they’re too busy thinking “it’s so hot out” and “why is this lemonade 12 dollars?”

yeah, sure, it was the "power of friendship" that defeated you, and not my super cool "mega bone explosions" spell that I worked really hard on, whatever idiot

we used to be a real website

it’s so hard for me to listen to heartbroken/angry breakup songs by straight men bc no matter how good the song is i’ll be like i’m not sure if i fully believe you. let’s hear her side of the story.

Do not go gentle into that good knight. He likes to be fucked much harder than that.

what they don't tell you about hadestown is that orpheus and eurydice are not the main characters. neither are persephone and hades. or hermes. or the fates. the main character is whoever in the band is playing the trombone because holy fuck

the soft animal of my body wants a spliff and four pints of cider

soft animal of my body is up for a kebab

they should invent a high ponytail that doesn’t give me a headache and they should invent a low ponytail that doesn’t make me look like a miller’s apprentice going off to enlist in the continental army

For my fellow vegan/vegetarians, these sound scrumptious and look pretty simple to make substitutions!

certified soup post

this sucks im going to kill (remembers suicide jokes are bad for my mental health) the president of the United States. (end statement)

you have to forgive the printer because it's one of the most machine-ass machines we interact with on a day to day basis. that thing says kerchunk. hardly anything says kerchunk these days. you can't get mad at her when she kerchunks up a little.