but deliver us from weevils

ah shit they're gaining on us. we gotta jettison some weight. throw all those stolen boomerangs out we don't need em

On it, boss!

Bad news, boss!

Ground Control to Major Shlong

ascend

bye bye lil sebastian

princess_poonikins.mp4

wawawawawawa. Very nice noises

My friend really changed once she became a vegetarian 

its like ive never seen herbivore

i sighed so loud my mom asked me if i was okay and she’s two rooms away

if i met a genie and fixed the world and all its ills with my first two wishes, my third wish would be that sabrina carpenter would get gradually taller. she'd be in on it and think it was hilarious. we'd have a strong cap at 7 feet here, maybe an inch a week so people have time to theorize--let's not be ridiculous. but she'd still keep up the "ooh! im so little and small!" schtick. but shed be gradually getting taller. she'd be like 6'1" and still jumping for the microphone. and she'd never say anything about it. and if anyone asked shed act like she had no idea what they were talking about. and shed cheekily play into it a little bit but mostly still keep up the "ooh im so little and small" schtick. do you see my vision. do you get it

my cherios spelled out my exact address this morning but like what the gudge ever i gobbled those honey nut freaks up and licked the bowl too

Every time I see that last pic, I have to note that the funniest line is the one immediately after the highlight

they need to invent the opposite of an nda called an fda where u have to tell everyone everything

subpoena

tumblr

alcohol

at some point in your life you will be boiling fruit, water, sugar, and lemon juice in a pot to make a syrup or jam. the instructions will tell you to simmer for a certain amt of time. your timer will go off and you will look at the pot and go, "hm, this doesn't look thick enough. maybe i'll let it go for another 10 minutes." this is the devil speaking. it's only so liquid right now because it is at boiling point. it will thicken when it cools down. learn from the follies of my youth and do not let this happen to you

at some point in your life you will be making a sauce or a stew in which you need to add cornstarch to thicken it. and you will prepare a slurry of starch in cold water and think "this looks like way too little starch to thicken this amount of liquid." this is the devil speaking. cornstarch instantly polymerizes at 95°C and if you add too much it will turn into an impossibly thick goop.

at some point in your life you will be making some sort of cream based dessert that requires gelatin to thicken it. and you will soak some gelatin sheets in water and think "this is too few gelatin sheets for this amount of cream." this is the devil speaking. it will thicken in the fridge and if you add too much you will end up with milk jelly

at some point in your life you will be baking cookies. you will take the sheet out after twelve minutes as the recipe instructs and the cookies will still be glistening and soft. "these don't seem cooked enough," you will think to yourself, "i should place them back into the oven until their edges are nice and golden." this is the devil talking. this is how you get dry, overdone cookies. the cookies will continue to bake on the warm sheet for several more minutes and then harden up after sitting on a rack for a while. trust the process. trust the process.

at some point in your life you will be adding a small pasta to a soup and you will think "that is not enough small pasta." this is the devil talking. the pasta will absorb the stock and expand. this is how you end up with a soup that is a solid mass of soggy ditalini.

At some point in your life you will be adding garlic to a dish and you will think "that is not enough garlic." These are angels speaking. They are correct. Add more garlic.

looks thru a glory hole & sees a train coming straight towards me

in the future humans will have something called "sinus button " and pressing it will immediately drain your sinuses of all fluid so that it can be filled with other things like rocks, webs, paint, tar, freef (new fluid that will be so important in that time) and also dr papper

#hope #hopepunk #positivity #utopia #dreamworld