Last Survivor of the URL War

we must try to find some small joy in this life because it is actually all we have

atheist quarterback throws a hail darwin

agnostic quarterback throws a hail maybe

what doesnt kill you is still valuable data points for a graph im working on titled "how to kill you"

i need to get off tumblr i’m at the aquarium admiring the fish and my brain goes “posts that make you want to get in the water” what are you talking about. these are live fish in the room with you. what post.

imagine hiring an assassin and they talk to you in a customer service voice

They create a perfectly normal call cemter staffed by decidedly amoral college students and paying them at least 4x minimum wage.

Look, the difference between Assassins and Customer Service is that Assassins are paid a lot of money to kill people and Customer Service isn’t being paid nearly enough not to.

Punk is about supporting your local libraries and throwing hamsters into a river

You gotta get the hamsters to skip along the river like stone if you just chuck them and they sink immediately that's emo, not punk

defunctland episode released immediately upon your death chronicling all failed career paths and relationships and somehow michael eisner is still at fault

Dont announced your crimes over unsecured channels dumbass

I've spent the past month cooped up in a motel in Orange County planning my theft, before I steal the sign I will set off a cache of fireworks I've placed 5 blocks away from the nearest police station which will rain down on the pigs, the perfect diversion.

is high jump kicking peoples dogs punk

no, to punk is to love

I love to high jump kick peoples dogs

won’t a high jump kick miss most dogs? they’re usually kinda low to the ground

Seafaring Sheep travel to their Private Island Paradise for the Summer.

the most Child Emperor urge i have is to shout "BOOORRIINGGG!!!" when i have to witness something i dont like for too long

I see that town in my restless dreams..