Star Trek THOTS

So we open with a nice cliche flashback of Jonathan Archer trying to build a model ship or whatever with his dad. Then we jump forward thirty years and have a Klingon crash landing on earth with a species we later learn are the Sulibans (but right now just give Doctor Who vibes) in hot pursuit. The Klingon manages to dispatch his pursuers before some Oklahoman stands his ground and shoots him with a shotgun laser. A laser shotgun. Whatever.

GOOD LORD this intro is bad. Like, I knew it was bad. But wow. My partner was in the room and we joked that the song sounded like some kind of Bryan Adams or Rod Stewart mashup. Little did I know it’s a cover of a Rod Stewart song. Which explains why the lyrics seem to have no connection to the show. I’m kind of offended that they didn’t make an original opening theme. It just feels … wrong.

Anyway, after we make it through that aural assault featuring nautical imagery, we get to the action. Archer is quickly called away from inspecting the newly minted Enterprise with Trip Tucker to meet with some mucky mucks of both the human and Vulcan variety (including T’Pol). They’re standing outside of a medbay watching Phlox work on the Klingon. The Vulcans insist the best thing to do is let the Klingon die and return him to his people. And this scene made me nervous about the direction the show will take.

Trek is always balancing on a knife’s edge between whether Starfleet comes off as a science and exploration institution or a military force. Most shows have flopped back and forth depending on what they felt like that week. This initial interaction felt like they would lean toward the military view. It felt like dick swinging and posturing. It felt like it’s not going to be a show for me. But once we get the top brass to give Archer three days to assemble a crack team to take Enterprise and return the Klingon ALIVE to Kronos, I’m willing to give it a chance.

And I ended up really liking a lot of the episode! Obviously we have to tolerate some front loading of exposition and introduction of characters. I wish more of the characters had been introduced like Hoshi Sato, because I’m a sucker for the “assembling a team” trope and despite it being tired I still find it to be a fun way to introduce characters.

The actual plot was fun, with the genetically altered Sulibans trying to manufacture drama between Klingon factions and the behest of some mysterious benefactor from the future as part of some “Temporal Cold War.” We get to see Sato trying to translate the ramblings of a delirious Klingon. We get both ample fist fights, phaser fights, and space ship fights, so that’s nice. We get Archer getting injured to save T’Pol, and Trip convincing T’Pol to carryout Archer’s plans while in command. We get them going back to save the Captain. We get the corny flashback to Archer and his dad flying the remote control ship they built.

Things I didn’t love:

The aforementioned theme song and aforementioned dick swinging.

I 100% could have lived without the initial cattiness between Sato and T’Pol. I know realistically you’re not going to like every coworker and T’Pol is meant to be generally abrasive, but when there are only two women on the main cast, having the characters hate each other is … a choice. By the end of the episode there was some begrudging respect so I hope that grows with time.

It’s pretty drab. This is true of the set and lighting of 90s shows that preceded Enterprise, so I’m hoping that, like its predecessors, the aliens of the week make up for it with outlandish costumes. I feel like none of the shows have really captured the colorful prettiness that TOS pulled of with glitter, lighting gels, and a prayer.

The shower scene. Jeezie Creezie it’s so heavy handed. No one has belonged in horny jail more than Rick Berman belongs in horny jail. I’m not opposed to or immune to seeing actors look sexy and glistening! But the rubbing each other down was a bit much. A simple Silkwood shower would have done it.

Other commentary:

Look, I want to say I hated the stupid butterfly-eating burlesque show or whatever caught Malcolm Reed’s attention, but truly that shit is part of Trek’s legacy. At least the colors were pretty. And I appreciated that Mayweather could keep his shit together.

The same goes for Melinda Clarke being on screen for 1 minute and kissing Archer, a complete stranger, on the mouth, because she can sense if he’s trustworthy but only through close contact. I can’t even be mad because that’s Trek, baby! And also playing unnecessarily sexy characters is Melinda Clarke’s bread and butter. Let the woman have a career.

I think I’m going to like Phlox. He seems fun.

Honestly, watching Scott Bakula kind of just makes me want to revisit Quantum Leap.