years of academy training wasted

they added another luftballon while you were sleeping

mommy needs her head smashed in with a brick

shot in the HEAD. and you're to blame. You are not good. At dart game

this girl must have pussy like a pizza bc Everytime she fucks me I have little seizures

my beautiful wife, severe thunderstorm warning, is texting me 😌😚😍😍

saying "question mark?" and "however comma," out loud are game changers. punctuation on the go. and it's always the funniest thing that anyone around you has ever heard

‘Nuclear Family Month’ is so funny as a concept. I have never seen a nuclear family worth celebrating.

The Addams

walking down the street and saw someone walking the other direction with a pig in a harness and leash and I stupidly asked, "is that a pig?" and he replied, "I sure hope it is, it was a pig when I left the house"

kinda bullshit the English language doesn't have a discrete word for an unlit campfire. you light a campfire, but what is it before you light it? also a campfire, I guess. I need to invent a word that can be intuitively understood as "the arrangement of wood that is intended to become a campfire"

well "an arrangement of wood that is intended to become a campfire" sounds like it's just a bundle of sticks and I think there is a collective word for that maybe

I'm so glad that that truncated fucking ran-into-a-wall-at-speed tadpole-ass looking squirrel only lives in high altitude forests in Borneo bc this means I am extremely unlikely to encounter one in my day to day life. thank god

DID YOU MAKE THIS BLOG SIMPLY TO TORMENT ME

WHERE IS THE REST OF YOU

Heh. I'm in the Bug Leagues, Kid. No, not the Big Leagues. The Bug Leagues. I'm kind of a Bug Deal, you could say. I'm covered in bugs. I'm covered in bugs

this is too much I'm gonna- *remembers joking about rewatching supernatural is harmful* kill myself