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there is something about the season of fall that makes the hair on the back of my neck stand on end 

(physically & metaphorically)

maybe because fall is the season of change, the season of transformation, the season of new beginnings and endings,

and yet, 

every fall leaves me with a heavy feeling of dread

because it’s a sign that even the leaves know when to turn,

and i keep returning to my vomit like a malnourished stray.

of course, the chilly wind is welcoming after a season of unbearable heat,

but there comes a time when you long for sunbeams instead of stashing woolen hats to keep your head warm.

there comes a time when you long for someone to keep you warm instead of something.

there comes a time when the nostalgia waves overwhelm & threaten to turn you back into the person you swore you’d never be.

there comes a time when you just wish that the leaves could sprout green again, when you long for shoots to spout, for the air to thicken.

and yet, the change stays. 

and just as you cannot paste a dead leaf back to a tree and expect it to grow,

you cannot paste past onto present and expect the change to return.

so here i sit,

cursing my emotions for turning on me again,

cursing the weather that forces me to rethink my actions,

but keeping my head up regardless.

even though the thought of once was is comforting,

it needs to remain where it was.

please don’t say “on the spectrum” when you mean “autistic”.

i.e. “She’s on the spectrum”

Usually people say this to avoid using the word “autistic” as our wonderful culture has taught people that this is a dirty & harmful word to use.

It isn’t!

“Autistic” is a word that is beautiful and means so much to so many people, and can literally change the lives of those who are autistic because it helps us make sense of ourselves.

Instead of trying to silence it and make others think it’s a bad word to use,

stop replacing it with other things.

Honestly, I’d hope that “on the spectrum” is just cut from our regular vocabulary because it’s really not as helpful as it seems.

“Autistic” is not a bad word.

“Autistic” is not a slur.

It’s not wrong to be autistic.

It’s not shameful to be autistic.

Please use the word for its intended purpose and stop painting over it with “on the spectrum”.

With April around the corner,

I want to ask of you, whoever may be reading this,

to please not support, send money to, share or otherwise participate in anything related to Autism Speaks in the month of April, 

or ever, for that matter.

Autism Speaks may look like a good organization on the outside, but they're not the perfect puzzle their media makes you think they are (see what I did there?).

For example:

-More than 96% of their money goes to "autism research", fundraising, supporting "families with autism", and not to actual autistic people themselves (link to source here: http://www.rootpolicy.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/08/AutismSpeaksFlyer_color_2017-1.pdf).

-Autism Speaks is searching for a cure for autism (a.k.a “research”), which causes harm to autistic people who are treated with things like ABA therapy to appear "normal", but leaves us with trauma & PTSD.

-Autism Speaks’ fundraising team made horrific videos called "I Am Autism" and "Autism Every Day". The former compared autism to cancer & diabetes and makes autistic people look like something to be feared (link here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9UgLnWJFGHQ), and the latter includes a woman talking about wanting to murder her child because she is autistic (link here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O0vCz2KWMM0) (Please watch at your own risk.)

-The origin of the too-famous puzzle piece logo comes from the myth that autism is a “boy’s disease” (hence the blue color & Light It Up Blue campaign), that only children can be autistic (hence the infantilizing image & color palette), and that autistic people are puzzles to be figured out and solved.

-Autism Speaks doesn’t actually consult autistic people. In their history, only two people on their Board of Directors have been autistic, and one of them, an author, resigned, realizing his mistake (link to his statement about his resignation here: http://jerobison.blogspot.com/2013/11/i-resign-my-roles-at-autism-speaks.html).

I could go on and on, but these are the most important reasons to not want anything to do with this organization.

I know for many of you, this was the support you were given after your child’s/sibling’s diagnosis and you weren’t made aware of any other organization to help you. I understand that. I blindly believed they were good too.

But the truth of the matter is, they’re not.

If you want to support autistic people, support organizations like Autistic Self-Advocacy Network (autisticadvocacy.org) who make the voices of autistic people the most important when discussing our rights and our freedoms.

Autism Speaks does none of this. If anything, they make our voices the most quiet when they should be the loudest.

If you don’t have an autistic relative, or aren’t autistic yourself, you may be wondering: “What can I do?”

And to that, I say: share our stories. Listen to what we have to say. Ask questions if you don’t understand. Don’t assume that this doesn’t apply to you. Odds are, you know someone who is autistic, even if they may not even know it themselves, or you will know someone who is autistic.

The more you educate yourself the right way, the better off you will be in the future, and the more you will be helping your loved ones around you.