Since I yell about it online without actually pointing out specific works, I figured I'd back it up by sharing a reply I sent to a reader comment containing some recs on world classics - literature that I would personally prioritize reading for not just their storytelling value but for how they help broaden one's perspective on things.
ETA: forgot Vladimir Nabokov, James Joyce, Toni Morrison
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"Going high when they go low" does nothing but make ourselves feel smug while while the most vulnerable of us are sacrificed at our altar of moral superiority.
Jaheira makes me emotional every time. How many years of pain and joy and triumphs and failures and disappointments must be folded beneath her calm exterior.
We HAVE to read more books. As a nation. To fight fascism. To fight totalitarianism (which is already here and integrated into our lives btw) every step of the way. PLEASE read more books. Classics. Literature that is dark, heavy, and disturbing. Those are so important.
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So it’s been a minute but I’ve been blessed by the doujin gods
You guys know my profile picture comes from the doujin Gracias (a reprint of various doujin stories with various names, including Welcome home my Boy).
Turns out I somehow found Shin Minazuki, the TRUNKS GOD HERSELF, and… I got to commission her!
For the longfic!!
So I dropped some refs and said what the fic was about and that, “you do you with it, thank you for loving Trunks so much”
Wow, thanks for letting us know what's been going on behind the scenes. It makes absolutely no sense, why be friends with someone who you look down upon? Why befriend someone if you fundamentally disagree with how they choose to explore fiction?
I'll admit that I'm not really a fan of a lot of "proship" stuff- it's just a personal preference, since a lot of that content just makes me uncomfortable. But I'm baffled at how someone could use that as an excuse to witch-hunt YOU of all people. I always thought the way you treated "problematic" themes in your work was very thought out, deliberate, and appropriate. It helped me understand and explore my own relationship to those "problematic" themes. Shocker, I know. It's almost like that's the entire point of FICTION.
Not that I really care what someone's intention is for exploring or writing about those things anyway, because I'm a grown up and employed and have the ability to click off something when it makes me uncomfortable. Just why waste your time befriending and deceiving someone just to ridicule them in the same breath?
Telling someone else how they should write just because it makes YOU uncomfortable is sadly hilarious. It points to a blatant lack of emotional maturity, and a lack of respect of other peoples boundaries. I'm embarrassed on their behalf- it's like a child getting upset at someone else's birthday party because it isn't all about them.
I totally respect your decision to step back from it all right now, especially if it's affecting your life beyond the screen. I hope that one day you feel comfortable enough to get back into something I can tell you really love doing- those of us who value and appreciate your work will be there waiting.
Hi Anon! Always a pleasure. : )
Quick thingy though:
"I'm not really a fan of a lot of "proship" stuff- it's just a personal preference, since a lot of that content just makes me uncomfortable."
Proship just means you don't believe in shaming people over fiction. People that only do straight-laced vanilla stuff can still be proship. : )
I personally think it's sadly hilarious that such drama is caused over 'ships' - as in who is sleeping with, or lusting over, who. Like... no one clutches their pearls over literal murder in fiction. So is murder okay? No, these people KNOW that it's just fiction when it comes to murder. They're just picking and choosing their stances because they think it makes them look morally superior, because they know "but think of the children" triggers a knee-jerk response and they can use 'children' to hide behind any bullying behavior - by slapping on 'child-hater' or 'pedophile' onto anyone that doesn't agree with them. The weird obsession over sex and children (and sex WITH children) just makes me worried that we're living in a weird conservative radical era all over again.
Everyone has triggers and things they don't like - and yours are valid! I personally find inter-race romance/sex a huge turnoff. And by inter-race, I don't mean humans with different melanin expression - I mean humans vs dragons, humans vs bears, or in the case of my more recent fandoms, humans like Saiyans or Earthlings sleeping with Namekians like Piccolo. Sorry, I can't get around the slug look, the slime, the regrowing limbs... (Fun fact! People in this fandom that ship a grown-ass man who kidnapped and trained a boy when he was 4 years old had the gall to tell me that my 4-year-(and increasingly shrinking thanks to a time machine) age gap between two teenage boys was inappropriate.) While I don't like it, I have never judged people for liking it, because it isn't something they can control, and they're not hurting anyone, and being turned on by something doesn't mean they'll carry out that thing in real life. (Though I do wonder about some people because they DID act like they should get to judge me in real life over my fic so... does that mean these people think it's actually ok for a guy to date his student he'd taught since he was four? Questions, questions.)
"I always thought the way you treated "problematic" themes in your work was very thought out, deliberate, and appropriate. It helped me understand and explore my own relationship to those "problematic" themes. Shocker, I know. It's almost like that's the entire point of FICTION."
I appreciate this a lot, Anon. I would never have hesitated to start any of my more recent stories if it had been 10 years ago when fanfiction was wild and we weren't at a dumbed-down era of baby fascists. But coming back into fandom space, I agonized over how to make it as self-aware as possible while still managing to explore the morally gray space where there is no clear right or wrong without getting on the moral police's radar. What's the fun in portraying everything that's only straight-laced, ponies, and rainbows? My target audience are not four years old. The human mind longs to explore things outside of the strict social norms we live in, and that's literally the entire point of art, fantasy, and imagination, like you said. Policing ourselves and each other over not having the correct fantasies sounds exhausting, not to mention ignorant and uneducated, you know?
I grew up in a time and place where doujinshi of Naruto was popular, and many portrayed a 12-year-old boy caught up in relationships with adult teacher-figures. And it made me think a lot about the human longing for connection, and the devastation of grief, loss, and loneliness. It would have been a sad waste of opportunity to only come away with a one-dimensional thought: "wow the author is a pedophile!" Stories usually offer a little more than that. And never did I once think, even as a teenager, "I guess it's okay to have sex with my teacher since this doujinshi says so!" And if I walked away with those lessons... I obviously should have been kept away from the internet and gotten help while being restricted to only morally educational toddler books, since this indicates the cognitive capacity of a toddler who swallows down whatever they're given with no critical thinking.
(In that vein, sometimes I think these 'antis' need to be kept away from the internet. They're ruining it for everyone else by being so obnoxiously loud about their own inability to read like adults.)
Another fun fact you never asked for, since I just woke up and am in a chatty mood: I have a hard time with incest stories between parent/child or older brother/ younger sister dynamics because they trigger my trauma. But when I stumble onto those kinds of stories, I don't go up to the author and tell them how they're inappropriate, or whisper or gossip about how their ship is weird! My triggers are my own to deal with - and from a psychological point of view, incest in fiction is often a metaphor for a longing for closeness, loyalty, not wanting to be abandoned, and a placeholder for taboo, forbidden relationships. I think it's sad that so many people in this age don't understand that a fictional character - or a fictional ANYTHING - is in fact a metaphor our brains latch onto, not literal. Real-life sexual crimes horrify me, but when I read dubcon or noncon, what I'm reading is usually the author's longing for safety. The safety of NOT being beaten or tortured even when under the clutches of someone else, which is the opposite of real-life assault. It's usually a fantasy about being seen and understood; as a survivor who was allowed to have good things, I have a hard time saying yes to things - and those that love me understand that asking me is almost the same as taking the choice away from me, because I feel obligated to say no; so often, the only way to have good things is to have them thrust upon me. Cue dubcon. So I read these stories and see self-denial and giving oneself permission to have things - I don't see compulsion to assault people in real life. And if they HAD that compulsion, and dealt with it by venting in fiction instead of harming people in real life, good for them.
So yeah, even if I don't like something, I'm glad others are having fun. I don't personally dig human sex with slug-demon-humanoids, but I never expressed my ick to people that do because I don't want them to feel self-conscious about what brings them joy. Because I know how hurtful that small action can be. As you said, we are allowed to feel uncomfortable with something - or even express it when asked. But saying it unsolicited? Or questioning someone disapprovingly WHY they like something like that? Or whispering together in a discord group? I've seen all this happen and it's just bully behavior. So I'm glad and grateful that you're not one of those people. : )
"Telling someone else how they should write just because it makes YOU uncomfortable is sadly hilarious. It points to a blatant lack of emotional maturity, and a lack of respect of other peoples boundaries. I'm embarrassed on their behalf- it's like a child getting upset at someone else's birthday party because it isn't all about them." - yes!! It's like slapping candy out of someone else's mouth because YOU personally don't like it. Someone else is enjoying it, having fun. And you ruining it for them? It's really cruel. In my circle, we have a saying that says "don't make someone cry over food", because eating is a very vulnerable act. Some people might not think of it as a big deal, but as someone that dealt with so much weaponized shame growing up, I am acutely aware of how vulnerable it is to show someone a part of you that enjoys something, loves something, has a good time doing something. And then being criticized for that - it's really, really traumatizing.
"I totally respect your decision to step back from it all right now, especially if it's affecting your life beyond the screen. I hope that one day you feel comfortable enough to get back into something I can tell you really love doing- those of us who value and appreciate your work will be there waiting." - I really appreciate you, Anon. I'm just little fish in small fandoms, and I'm overwhelmed and humbled by the kindness in your comments. I might not have the biggest reader base, but I really do have the kindest.
I tend to be pretty shy about my writing endeavors, but once I have an update, I'll be sure to post it. Meanwhile, I'm still here!
P.S.
All this stuff I wrote above is probably preaching to the choir - you're obviously a mature, well-educated adult and don't need me to lecture you, but I wrote a lengthy (TMI as usual) response just in case it helped anyone else reading feel seen.
this might be a stupid question so bear with me okay😢 but like. do you think that dehumanizing & viewing people with little to no empathy/sympathy as bad people or in a general bad light is ableist ? in my opinion it is as it isn’t something you can control ,, and i’m saying this as someone with low empathy/sympathy for others. Whilst i do understand where they are coming from & how they are feeling (purely because of experience & psychology) i can’t bring myself to feel bad for them, and this includes people i’ve hurt. And especially because empathy/sympathy is something a lot of neurodivergent people struggle with (not all!) and i feel like the amount of hate people w low empathy get is absurd ,, atleast in my opinion. feel free to ignore this ask if you’ve already answered smth similar before / don’t want to answer !!
it’s not something I think I’m educated enough to involve myself in the discourse.
if anybody sees this post and is more educated than me in the topic, feel free to chime in
Great question! Yes, it is not only ableist to blame people for a neurological lack of empathy, it also conflates feeling empathy with taking compassionate actions.
It is absolutely possible to consider others' perspectives and act for their benefit without feeling empathy, just as it's possible to feel empathy but actually treat people quite badly.
Dr. Devon Price expands on this very thoroughly in its blog:
So many moral purity contests online these days are competing for committing the least thoughtcrime, liking and hating what is most acceptable, and having the correct opinions. But none of that makes a real difference in the world - other than maybe bullying people off the internet. It's all performative rituals to fit in with the bullies - imagining themselves morally pure while their actions ironically cause real-life harm to real people.
And as a marginalized person, or a victim of abuse, it's so invalidating to be told that "he's harmless" "he's just awkward" "they're just curious" "they didn't mean it in a bad way" "they meant well". As if their good intentions excuse their bad behavior. Being held responsible for not only getting hurt, but then doing the emotional labor of parsing through their intent and forgiving them based on it. Always being made to be the privileged person's practice pad for their bad behavior, and then bend over backwards to make space for their guilt or lack thereof, while the perpetrator is never, ever, told to stfu and be better. It's always on us to make excuses for them because deep down inside, they might have a nugget of goodness in them.
Fuck that. Actions matter. Intent and feelings don't.
i noticed you privated some of your fics on ao3. it's totally your choice but i just hope ur doing alright ❤️ :(
Hello Anon! Thanks for checking in. I'm sorry if something you've had an eye on is no longer there. Most are intact - I haven't deleted all of them. I've simply put them away while figuring out next steps.
So, if you want the gory, honest details...
I've recently had some "anti" experiences, which I must admit shook me more than I'd like. I'd written antis off as children who don't know better, but the people I'd encountered were people my age, people I thought were friends. Who masked their condescension as kindness or advice, like "I'm just being honest" and "your stories just cross a lot of lines" - with hypocrisy to boot considering the stuff they were shipping. And it completely killed the joy for me because why would I slave away at providing people with free entertainment so they can bully me in turn and make me relive my trauma?
(TW: abuse, trauma, and shame.)
I come from decades of abuse. Escaped several cults. Cut off my family and friends. Nearly died, many times, and am debilitatingly ill due to the blows to my body throughout my life. Writing is a way for me to squeeze some joy into my severely disabled and isolated life, and hopefully provide some joy to readers who need it. And this stress triggered a trauma response that made my body spiral into a medical emergency.
Because it's not "just being honest". It's not help. It doesn't actually make any meaningful improvements in the real world - it's just making someone feel bad for an imagined thoughtcrime to feel superior at their expense, and I'm only too familiar with this abuse tactic in the cults and abuse circles I've lived through. Men "negging" girls to tear their self-esteem down and make them pine for their approval. Mean Girl gossip done as a performative circlejerk ritual to remind people to stay in line, police themselves. And then attacking those that step out of line: mocking them for a hobby, shaming them for a talent, making fun of them for being happy. Killing that innocent inner child is the most efficient, if not cruel, way to beat them down, keep them feeling worthless, afraid of being seen, being happy. So that small minds can take petty delight in feeling better about themselves.
As I mentioned in my other reblog about shame and violence, this shame is so seeped into my bones that one argument with my partner was enough to make me start throwing out all my belongings save the barest furnishings the apartment came with. Things that were "frivolous" and unnecessary for survival - and thus undeserved. Because who did I think I was, thinking I was allowed to ENJOY life? How stupid of me to forget that I only exist to serve and be used, while kicked around like a dog. I should have protected myself better by not allowing myself this weakness - of having joy, or sharing it with others. Then they wouldn't have been able to kick me while I was down.
It's hard to describe the darkness of that place where you have to throw away your own joy so others can't weaponize it against you. Protecting yourself by punishing yourself before others can. It's more horrific than any assault I've endured - and my encounter with the moral police took me back to that dark place.
To some, I may just be dramatic. Maybe, if I hadn't spent the first several decades of my life being beaten down every time I regained some light in my eyes, I might think the same. But I had, so I can't. My body goes into a cascading system failure before my mind can catch up.
Or I might just be a dummy who asked for it with my naivete. Thinking I'd join a group of likeminded people to squeal about a fun thing together by accepting their invites and sharing my stories when asked. But I'm trying not to blame myself too much for it - it's easy, joining in on the abuser's chorus; because you WANT to believe that they're good people, therefore you must be the problem.
I'm sorry for the heavy post, Anon. I hope I didn't bum you out too much. Honestly, I didn't think more than one person would notice or care. But I have been getting reader inquiries about why some of my more recent stories are gone. And to them all, I do apologize.
I'm still a writer by trade, and I'm not quitting writing. It's just that I'm conflicted about posting in the fan sphere. But who knows? Maybe one day I'll feel better and re-upload all my stories. I'm not going anywhere - I'm still here on Tumblr, and my ask box is always open. I just need the time and space to be exclusively with people I know are safe, and find some joy again.
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thinking about how when you experience a lot of shame in your formative years (indirectly, directly, as abuse or just as an extant part of your environment) it becomes really difficult to be perceived by other people in general. the mere concept of someone watching me do anything, whether it's a totally normal activity or something unfamiliar of embarrassing, whether I'm working in an excel spreadsheet or being horny on main, it just makes my skin crawl and my brain turn to static because I cannot convince myself that it's okay to be seen and experienced. because to exist is to be ashamed and embarrassed of myself, whether I'm failing at something or not, because my instinctive reaction to anyone commenting on ANYTHING I'm doing is to crawl into a hole and die. it's such a bizarre and dehumanizing feeling to just not be able to exist without constantly thinking about how you are being Perceived. ceaseless watcher give me a god damn break.
Shame can be a good thing. Shame can also be a bad thing.
Shaming someone for something they enjoy that's not harming anyone, though? Despicable.
I come from abuse. But it wasn't my predatory brother that broke me - the more he cracked my walls, shattered glass, punched through doors, screamed at my face, and crawled into my bed, I only fought back harder. It was the insidious, psychological shit that broke me: father who'd mock my activism as useless. Sister who'd set me up to look stupid in front of strangers. Mother who'd sneer at me for being good at school or being an avid reader because "you think you're sooo smart, huh?" Who'd sneer at me for being good at music or acting because "oh yeah of course you're a great liar". Who'd attack me for not joining in on the catty gossip circles because "you think you're better than us?" Who'd mock me for having a hobby, being loved by a partner, for being happy. I could literally not exist without being shamed constantly for existing.
The shame is so built into my bones that one argument with my partner was enough to make me start throwing out all my paintings, my crafts, my books, literally everything other than the barest minimum furniture and appliances; things that were "frivolous" and thus undeserved. Because who did I think I was, thinking I was allowed to enjoy things like other people? How stupid could I be to forget that I only existed to serve and be used while barely surviving? I should have protected myself better by not allowing myself this weakness - of having joy, or sharing my happiness with them. Then they wouldn't be able to kick me while I was down. It's an indescribable devastation, the need to strip yourself of happiness first so others can't weaponize it against you. The reality of having to protect yourself by punishing yourself before others can. It's more horrific than any assault I've endured.
I'm healing now, have been for years - but it's a long, painful process. And every time this trauma resurfaces, I'm reminded of how it takes a special kind of monster to shame someone for a harmless thing that brings them joy. To kill someone's inner child, who naively trusted them with this light, and snuff out that light - and feel smug about it.
And yes, this post is about antis and moral crusades over FICTION.
What a beautiful comment! I'm happy you liked the video I shared! And indeed, making art and sharing it to the world is not easy, because you expose your own vulnerability, the flaws you see in yourself, but that's the beauty of it!
I'm so sorry this is out of order, Anon. XD
But just wanted to make it known that I am reading and enjoying the conversations even if I don't always reply right away. <3
i’m sorry but it is absolutely a conservative impulse to believe that an ancient work has some kind of “purity” that can be “desecrated” by adaptation. think about what you are saying. why do you think adaptational change or reinterpretation is an “offense” to “culture” that must be answered for? what could motivate a person or movement to designate a certain story as “sacred”? when you do this, are you conjuring an idealized past? in the same breath, does this position modernity as a threat?
The Venn diagram of fans of Jane Austen / Bridgerton / Anne of Green Gables, and white racist women who start screaming whenever a more "modern" (read: less racist, less misogynistic, less homophobic) interpretation comes out, is a perfect circle.
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Collect small astonishments. The first tomato of summer. A dog dreaming in its sleep. Someone laughing before they finish the joke. The moon arriving before the sun has quite departed. We keep waiting for life to announce itself with trumpets, but it has always preferred quieter instruments.
