Just Another Nerd

The name of Dread Pirate Roberts' ship is The Revenge. Which means Inigo still gets to be in The Revenge business.

And also — not to get nitpicky with deadly tragedies, but they’re called “human crushes,” not “stampedes.” It’s an important difference in description and also in respect. The deaths usually happen because the victims are pinned together in a tight space, they can’t breathe (as in the video) and they suffocate. “Stampede” doesn’t convey what actually happened to those people. The crush that happened in Seoul recently wasn’t because people “stampeded,” it was because they couldn’t move at all and they suffocated. But calling it a “stampede,” you’d think it was the people themselves that ran over each other, like wild animals. It’s disrespectful and untrue.

1. Stand like a boxer. Nice wide stance, arms up like you’re preparing to either throw a punch or shield against one, i.e. elbows bent by your waist and fists by your shoulders. That will keep some space around your chest

Keep in ming that this is not me shaming you, I know you have your reasons, folks. This is just a guy who enjoys clean spaces asking that you start learning now.

Here’s what I suggest as an adult who has lived with other adults who didn’t have housekeeping skills:

First and foremost, learn about all the places in your house that need to be cleaned and understand how often they should be cleaned. the American Cleaning Institute (I guess that’s a thing) has a good article about basic cleaning info. Plus this video on cleaning tips is great!

Learn how to do your dishes. HOT water is the only way to clean your dishes.

Learn how to clean your shower head, especially if you live in a place with hard water. Same goes for your sinks.

Learn how to do your laundry correctly. Even without the whole “separating whites and colors” thing, there are things you need to learn about washing your clothes. Learn what the tags mean, too.

Also, you don’t have to use fabric softener and you shouldn’t use it on towels or any fabric meant to absorb. (Learn about laundromats) And please learn how to clean out your dryer vent, it’s a safety hazard!

Get a disinfecting cleaner for your high-touch areas, especially the gross ones like the bathroom. Just because it doesn’t look dirty, doesn’t mean it’s clean!

Learn how to sweep, mop, and vacuum effectively.

You’ll also want to make sure to change out your home’s air filters.

TL;DR, here are some cleaning videos.

How to Clean Everything in Your Bathroom

How to Clean Everything in Your Kitchen

Livingroom Cleaning Routine

How to Clean Everything in Your Bedroom

The chapters are very broad but go so, so very deep.

For example, the first chapter is Food, and it covers EVERYTHING. What is a meal? What foods traditionally make up those meals (in the US, natch). How to serve food, for guests and yourself. How to clean and care for everything in the kitchen. Kitchen linens. Food Safety (pages and pages of how to store food by whatever method). Over 130 pages for “just” that.

Fabric care. Sleep care. Lighting. Cleaning every goddamn surface you can imagine. Fucking Domestic Employment Law. She used to be a lawyer, you see.

To quote the Vox writer Constance Grady, “Written with a lawyer’s exhaustive eye for detail and a pedant’s belief in the inarguable correctness of one’s own opinion, Home Comforts tells you everything: the correct way to use a broom, exactly how many inches down you should fold your top sheet, why you should use carbon steel knives (and how best to care for them). It is so exacting in its didactic instructions that it makes Martha Stewart seem mellow.”

It's not your fault. You won't be stuck forever. I know you're trying. I know you hate it. It's ok.

And tell the Mean Voice in your head that it's not helping. It knows as well as you do that you would get up and Just Start the task if you could. You're not doing this on purpose.