That's my secret, Captain: I'm always anxious.

What’s happening on Twitter? 😂

Love smash mouth

What’s going on this year

LMAO He just said he does

LMAO reblogging again because of 5he sass from dictionary.com 😂😂

Y'all know when you get wrecked by the damn dictionary you’re a fool

Never Forget 😂

The best fucking post on here

IT’S BACK

MR THE ROCK JOHNSON

My cats’ new favourite game is to stand on opposite sides of a large room and emit distress cries until I go to see what they want. They never actually need anything other than cuddles – they just want to make me choose who to check on first. I’m pretty sure they’ve made a competition of it.

lmao this is how people decide dog custody on tv shows

I’m both amused and disturbed by the suggestion that my cats are trying to decide who gets custody of me.

Fucking customers

All customers everywhere must die

A group of rough looking boys walked past me today and all I heard of their conversation was “he’s got that anxiety disorder bro so I went with him so he’d be more comfortable” and it made me realise the world isn’t all that bad

#this is team skull

The pet store I worked at had a pen with rabbits near the front door. On every side of the pen were huge signs saying “You can pet me, but don’t pick me up!” One day two absolutely huge guys came in and one immediately reaches into the pen to grab a rabbit. Before i could say anything his friend grabbed his arm and asked him “did you see the sign?” He said “yeah! it says that you can pick them up but don’t pet them!” Then he went quiet for a moment and softly said “I didn’t read it right did I?” And his friend just puts his arm on his shoulder and said “its ok, i know you’ve got that thing where words get mixed up. Let just pet these cute lil shits” And I still haven’t gotten over that interaction.

I was walking my dog through Boston bc he likes the likes car rides. He’s a little thing tbh we call him short and long. So this huge scary man with a full beard approaches me like “hey can my buddy and I pet your dog? He gets nervous around dogs but your’s is so small I think it’s a good place to start.” Ofc I was like “yes he’s very friendly!” So this guy brings his equally big friend over and they sit on the floor while this man looks terrified of my tiny dog so big man number one asks “can I pick him up?” And i say yes so he picks him up and puts him on man number two’s lap and man number two is abt to freak out and his friend straight up just goes “hey man, it’s okay just relax I’d never let anything hurt you. He’s a good boy.” I’ll never forget it ever bc I know that man looked at me (5'3 , glasses, probably wearing a sweater vest) and my dog (kinda goofy looking little thing) and was like ‘ah yes the two least intimidating living things I’ve seen in Boston all day he’ll feel relaxed around them’ and went out of his way to help his friend. It makes me so happy

Oh no a new one!!!

Blessed post.

I used to work at this stable for icelandic horses and every now and then this man would turn up by the field to just watch the horses. One time I walked by him as I was going to get the horses inside, and he went ”I always wanted to learn how to ride but I’m afraid of horses because they’re so huge. If I could ride ponies like this, maybe I’d dare but now I’m too big and heavy for them.” You should have seen his face when I told them that actually they’re not ponies, just small horses and they could totally carry him. His face just lit up. Next thing I’m helping him to get on back. Today he knows how to ride.

omg this is so pure <3

This is my favorite post.

FREN?

I just love them so much 😭

to be fair though it has to be accompanied by that exact image, otherwise the format could be read as extreme disbelief/loud exclamations

Hmmmm. No. No sarcasm. Oh no. Never any sarcasm here. What. Whatever would we do if you could display sarcasm through text. Oh my. How could you suggest such a thing. Oh jeez.

That settles it. The older generations are just weak.

any noun can become a verb if you don’t care enough

This point is invalid unless you use an example in your sentence

I CAN SENTENCE HOW I WANT THANK

BEAUTIFUL

you see thats why i love english

I like to velociraptor around my house at 2 in the morning.

GOOD

My headache makes me want to clothesline into a wall

why do these make some semblance of sense 😨

Because brains don’t brain logically

Brains do brain logically! But when english doesn’t logic englishly, brain brains by itself to logic that english !

I hate that this makes sense

you deserve someone who looks at you as you’re mid-laugh and feels like the luckiest person on earth

oh my god I can’t stop crying

From a strictly marketing standpoint. This is the best ad of all time. Like…well fucking done Google.