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Nurse: Are you sure? We can try-

Me: he needs to be sedated

Nurse: Well, it’ll take longer-

Me: he needs to be sedated, he will try to rip your face off

Nurse: Well we’ll try without first and we’ll let you know if we need to sedate

Me, watching her carry him away: you will need to sedate him

Nurse, coming back 10 minutes later clutching her hand: so, we will need to sedate him

Me:

Screamed so loudly with such unbridled fury the one time he wasn’t sedated at the vet that he caused a little girl in the waiting room to burst into tears

Ripped an escape hole in the patio screen door in a single night

Snuck into the garage overnight where he managed to pull down his massive food bag from the top shelves, ripped it open and ate so much he couldn’t/wouldn’t move when we found him in the morning  

Learned how to open the laundry cabinet to sleep on the clean towels

Learned how to open doors, thus allowing the dog to follow in after who then eats from the trash

Bats off anything on our windowsills that gets in the way of his sitting. Current succulent casualty count: 4

Thankfully cannot open the bedroom door due to rusty mechanisms, but managed to slip in one night when it wasn’t fully closed. Jumped down from my windowsill squarely onto my stomach, leaving me to bolt awake screaming from the blow and convinced I was under attack

All this weird in depth knowledge? Had to help with school presentations

Tired? Sleepy? Looks a bit sick? Huh yeah the youngst has the flu right now

Literally always has “my child is sick/home alone” as an excuse to not be anywhere and leave suddenly

No need to flirt with people

Can talk about children for hours and bore people away from paying attention

“So my child’s first languge is actually X so of course I had to learn it”

“Oh yeah, I was in Spain last week. Lovely country.”

“Really??? Didn’t see any pictures from you.”

“I don’t want my children exposed to the media storm”

Buying weird stuff!!!!

“Oh yeah, Jason’s super into DIY right now, we’re at the hardware store every week basically”

Bottom line Single Dad is the bet cover he could have had and DC has to ruin it

Yeah, my second child jumped into my bed this morning. Feet first.

Black eye?

That would be the milk my oldest spilled on the floor which he forgot to clean up before I slipped on it and went head first into my wool carved cabinets.

You just disabled this bomb???

Yeah, my third kid build a working model and we didn’t have time to call the bomb squad so I made sure if he does something like that again, I know how to deal with it.

Your vast knowledge of rockets and space ships?? 

Also my third child. Timmy’s so smart, honestly, I have no idea where he gets all this stuff.

Why are you able to understand that strange magic person who’s only speaking in Old English?

Jason went through a phase.

Why is your youngest carrying swords around and shouting death threats?

I slept with a rich, Middle Eastern king’s daughter and I didn’t get custody until he was 10. Damian was raised very…traditionally.

You backflip??

Dick’s a circus acrobat and an Olympic class gymnast. He looked so happy when he said he could teach me, I didn’t have the heart to tell him no.

You have huge dark circles under your eyes, you okay?

I haven’t slept in three days, the kids are all down with some kind of sickness.

Why is that small child covered with bruises and why is his arm in a cast?

Dick thought it would be fun to swing from the chandelier in the main entrance, to the top of the banister of the stairs and to slide down to the bottom.