It's me, E.

I just want to shrink down to a minuscule size where I'm completely unnoticeable.

I feel like this is the opposite of what a lot of people want in life. Others complain about feeling 'powerless' or 'insignificant'. I very much feel the exact opposite. I want to disappear. I don't want anyone to notice me, or even think about me. I want my entire existence to be so unbelievably inconsequential that it's hardly worth mentioning.

I always feel like the 'main character", and I HATE it.

He's everything to me. 

I adore every word that comes out of that mans mouth, every wrinkle on his face, every silver hair on his head. 

I love the way he is so incredibly gentle with everything he touches, as if everything is made of glass.

I love the way he tells me stories about his life, with such incredible memory, recalling the finest details of his past. 

I love the way he smiles whenever he sees me, beaming. 

I love the way his mind works, and how fiercely intelligent he is. 

I love the way that at 79 years old, he is such a 'forward thinker', with the brain of a much younger person, but with incredible wisdom that comes with age. 

I love the way that he takes care of his garden, treating each plant as if it has a soul.

I love the way he never ever gives up on anything or anyone, believing that everything has a solution if you have enough determination, imagination and ingenuity.  

I love the way he peels apples with a tiny knife before eating them. 

I love the way he looks off into the distance when talking about his Mother and Father, his eyes glazing over with love and tears. 

I love the way he always tries to show me new things. New music, new technology. He's always excited about what's yet to come. 

I love the way he has little routines that he does everyday, and if you ask him what he's doing and why, he always has a perfectly logical answer. He's not a man that ever does things 'without thinking'. 

I love the way he never asks for help until he has tried, tried, and tried to do something himself first. 

I love his curious and questioning mind, always wanting to explore and learn more. 

I love his cute 'going out' blazer that he wears.  

I love the way he could fool the FBI with his deadpan expression when pulling a prank. 

I love how he incorporates old traditions and new ideas into his cooking. 

I love his patience and grace. 

I love the way he loves, just like me, so fully, completely, and passionately that it radiates throughout him. 

I love how unjudgemental he is, always giving people the benefit of the doubt. 

I love how soft his hands are, weathered and old, but as soft as can be. 

I love how welcoming he is to new people in his life, always finding room in his heart for another friend. 

Looking for something truly fucked-up.

“It’s Type 1. Insulin dependent.”

'Oh you have to watch your diet and exercise or take shots.'

“It has nothing to do with diet and exercise. I have to take insulin. I have a pump.”

'Oh at least you don’t have to take shots. I hate needles.'

“I did multiple daily injections for years before I got a pump. And a pump uses bigger, longer needles but only every couple of days.”

'Oh at least you don’t have to worry about the insulin, the doc tells you how much and the pump delivers it.'

“I have to calculate the amount of insulin I take depending on when and what I eat and considering many other factors. Too little insulin will kill me and/or too much insulin will kill me.”

…A person with Type 1 Diabetes can expect to lose approximately 10-12 years of life expectancy compared to a non-diabetic.

I have found that I have the mind, imagination, priorities and ideas of someone much younger than myself.

I'm 33, but on the inside, I'm 18 maybe 20. I believe due to childhood/teen trauma my brain growth was 'stunted' at a certain point, and I fear I will not mature any further.

This is okay, while I'm still 'relatively' young, but I'm worried about the future. What will it be like, being an 18 year old living inside the body of a 50, 60, or 70 year old woman?