Ineffable Cooking

Anyway, she was super fucking homophobic and abusive to me when I told her I was gay, so here’s the recipe

4-6 lbs of Hamburger/turkey burger

1 pk onion soup mix OR ranch mix

1 TBs ketchup

1 Tbs spicy brown mustard,

1 Tbs bbq sauce

1 Tbs steak sauce

1 egg

mix, shape into a loaf in a big pan, and bake at 350 for 2 hrs (maybe 2 and a half if you’re feeling dangerous)

(6 servings)

-2lbs red potatoes

-1 cup butter (2 sticks)

-1 cup cream cheese (1 pack)

-Chives (optional)

-Salt & Pepper to taste

1. drop those bad boys (potatoes) in a big ol pot. U don’t even have to chop them just wash them

2. boil til soft!

3. Drain

4. Mash (usually they’re small enough you can use a fork if u don’t have one of those squashers) until its a pretty chunky mix

5. add the other stuff. Keep mashing

some year and a half ago when i was getting ready to move out i combed through all the family recipes that lay lost to time and one of the ones that i found was my grandmas brownie recipe. idk where she got it from (nor can i ask cause she has dementia) and its a printed out email she sent to my mom in june 2000. but by george these the best brownies i have ever tasted. would she be pleased that i am sharing this recipe with my vast following? absolutely.

YOU WILL NEED:

5 tablespoons butter (unsalted) 1 ounce unsweetened baking chocolate (or as much as your heart desires) 2/3 cup unsweetened good cocoa powder 1 cup sugar (white) (superfine preferred, normal works fine) 1 cup sifted white flour (can use gluten free) 1/2 teaspoon baking powder as much cinnamon as your heart desires (your heart needs to desire at least some cinnamon. its essential to the recipe) 3 egg whites 1 egg splash of vanilla extract (again, non negotiable step!)

preheat your oven to 325 degrees. grease a square baking pan (9x9 preferably).

in a small saucepan over medium heat melt the butter and baking chocolate. while that is melting, sift together the flour, baking powder and cinnamon into a small bowl. once the butter and chocolate is done melting add the cocoa powder and cook it together for 1 minute. add in the sugar and stir. it will get very thick. this is correct.

set that aside to cool. while thats cooling take a large bowl and put in your egg whites, egg and vanilla. beat it up with preferably a whisk but you can use a fork if youre fresh out of whisks. once the chocolate is cool enough to not scramble your eggs dump it in the eggs and mix it together. add the flour in gradually and keep mixing until its smooth and happy.

spread into your greased baking pan. put it in the oven for EXACLTLY 18 MINUTES. very crucial step. they will come out slightly under done. that is what we want. as they cool they will continue to cook in the pan. we dont want them to get hard and sad. they are not good when they are hard and sad. do not overbake them. you will be sad.

70g unsalted butter (there's salted?? the things i learn on here)

28g+ baking chocolate (google tells me this is a chocolate bar that has little to no sugar in it and no its not the same as dark chocolate)

65g unsweetened cocoa powder

200g extrafine white sugar (or granulated sugar if you must. This is *not* powdered sugar btw. powdered sugar has a different cup-to-grams ratio. Id never heard of extrafine sugar before but i went on a google rabbit hole and yeah it exists here too lol)

120g white flour

2,8g baking powder (lets make this 3g yall we're all gonna eyeball it anyway cmon)

Cinnamon (to taste, at least a little bit is needed for real tho)

3 egg whites

1 egg

A splash of vanilla extract

-----------------------

Preheat oven to 160-165°C (325°F is technically 162,7 but ehhh you do you)

Grease a square baking pan (23x23cm or as close as you can get i guess)

Follow OP's instructions

I just wanted to show you (and thank you)—I made anniversary dinner for my girlfriend and me and made the anniversary lamb and asparagus from the What We Make of It (Shotgun Wedding) postscript/cookbook, and it was amazing! Thank you so much for this story and for this food!

Nina: What'll you have?

Crowley: Six shots of symbolic liberty in a big cup.

Nina: Ok. And you, Mr. Fell?

Aziraphale: What do you have that calms people down?

Nina: I sell like, I don't know, seventeen different varieties of tea here in my shop that is based in London, including several decaf and herbal varieties, and it's not just implied but is canon later on in the scene where Maggie orders some but instead of saying the most obvious thing possible to you here, which would be that I'd be happy to fetch who I believe to be an older, English gentleman a nice cup of decaf tea, I say...

Nina, cont.: And why do I say this? Well, we're in a show obsessed with food symbolism so naturally my Soho-set shop-- named after the famous rallying cry of an anti-monarchist American revolutionary as he fought to break away from the English empire whilst still being, at that moment, stuck under its thumb-- recommends, for calming purposes, the delicious little round mini-turnover bits of pastry butter and topped with sugar and filled with currants or lemon things... eccles cakes... which were banned in England in 1650 when Oliver Cromwell took over and got all puritanical and claimed they were pagan. You're stressed, Aziraphale, so instead of offering you THE MOST LOGICAL POSSIBLE THING IN THIS SHOP to calm you down-- that is, a cup of tea lol-- I will, instead, offer you the sweet treats that the crazy Nazis of history think are so good they're sweets of the devil.

Aziraphale:

Bonus hilarity related to this:

The Angel got himself locked up for eating Satan's baked goods in 1650 and made Crowley come rescue him, didn't he?

an esprit d'escalier additional thought about this

Aziraphale got himself gaoled for Eccles cakes in 1650, right? (It's sure looking that way, anyway.) So badly that Crowley made him do the Apology Dance, right?

Apparently he learned either nothing whatever or quite a lot from the experience, depending on how you wanna spin it -- because DANG if he didn't get himself gaoled AGAIN over PASTRIES in seventeen-freakin'-ninety-three. And had to do the Apology Dance. AGAIN.

Americans:

Reblogging my own tags because now I can’t stop thinking about campfire foods as a kind of informal folk cuisine. I honestly don’t know if other places have campfire-specific foods, but it’s definitely a whole genre of food in the US. S’mores are the most commonly known, but lots of people have various campfire foods that they consider traditional.

An Obscenely Historically Accurate Picnic Apple "Turnover" (An inaccurate recipe) 🍎🥧

From Temple of the Muses

By @ajconstantine

Obscenely accurate? Yes. This is a historical fiction AU set in the Victorian era and every minute detail has been researched incredibly thoroughly...that apple detail in the intro? The author and I spoke. She did the research. Apples were not in season in the month of April in England in 1841. So she wrote apple preserves into the story.

And we stan.

"Turnover" Filling Ingredients:

3 pounds (about 7-9 apples) baking apples, peeled, cored, and sliced thinly

1 tablespoon lemon juice

½ cup (100 grams) packed light brown sugar

¼ cup (50 grams) granulated sugar

1–½ teaspoon ground cinnamon

¼ teaspoon grated nutmeg

Pinch salt

2 tablespoons (14 g) cornstarch

¾ cup + 2 tablespoon fresh apple cider, divided 2 teaspoon vanilla extract

2 tablespoons unsalted butter

(This pampered chef product has followed me since the early 2000's and I plan to be buried with it)

Direrctions

1. Add apples, lemon juice, brown sugar, granulated sugar, cinnamon, nutmeg and salt to a heavy bottom pot. Stir together and let macerate at room temperature for about 15 minutes. Add ¾ cup of apple cider to the pot, and stir the apples one more time. 

2. Turn the heat to medium and begin to cook the apples, stirring occasionally to make sure the apples cook evenly. Cook until the apples have softened, about 10 minutes, making sure not to cook off all of the liquid. If the liquid does cook off quickly, add ⅓ cup more apple cider to the pot.

3. Create a slurry by whisking together the cornstarch and remaining 2 tablespoons apple cider together in a small seperate bowl.

(I put that last part in bold because mistakes were made. The blur is me frantically whisking cornstarch)

4. Pour the cornstarch slurry into apples and stir together until dissolved. Continue cooking until the mixture is thickened, about 2-3 minutes. 

5. Remove from heat and stir in the vanilla and butter.

Often turnovers are made with puff pastry. But for what I wanted ro do to achieve the heart shape I used pie crust.

(Pillsbury is standard)

Also why is "Turnover" in quotes? Because:

"turnover, individual pie formed by folding a piece of pastry in half over a filling. The open edges are pressed or crimped together to enclose the filling during cooking and eating. Turnovers may be baked or fried."

-Google

And because of the process involved, we can't legally call these turnovers:

6. Position a rack in the middle of the oven and heat the oven to 425 degrees. Line another baking sheet with parchment paper (Or cooking spray. Or not. You do you.)

7. Cut several heart shapes out and spread on a baking sheet

7. Take your filling and spoon very very small amounts onto half of the hearts on the sheet

I cant emphasise how messy and it was trying to seal the hearts close. If you think you didn't put enough filling onto your spoon, you're wrong. Trust me it's plenty.

8. Seal the hearts by pinching the edges together as best you can

9. Cross your hearts!!

10. Do an egg wash and top with some sugar.

11. Bake for 20-25 minutes or until golden

These "turnovers" were amazing and I believe I ate the majority of the ones pictured in this photo. I didn't even want to attempt to do a foldover tenchnique, hence the cookie cutter, but honestly I doubt I could've made something remotely this cute, this successfully, this quickly.