there's angst in it, too, but given the way nicotine makes some people feel really sick, i'm laughing about the idea of poor shane not knowing that he's just REALLY sensitive to it in their early days and ilya who was nervous but would never admit it so ALWAYS smoked a cigarette or two right before meeting up
to the end result that their early meetings were always quick so shane didn't start feeling sick until after ilya had already cleaned up and gone, so he thought it was just his body telling him this was a bad idea and don't do it again and gotta stop-
-until next time when he just couldn't resist
and over time, ilya stopped smoking before meeting up (and eventually really smoking at all) because shane always complained about the smell, so shane stopped feeling sick after, and after they're together, shane just sometimes fondly shakes his head at past self him like "oh buddy, that must have just been anxiety getting you. silly past me. i'm so happy i'm settled into this now. :)"
until the day ilya has a really stressful day and just REALLY needs that hit so buys some nicotine gum as a compromise, chews it, chases the other stress relief of making out with his boyfriend (with shane complaining about the taste but not pulling away) starting to get frisky-
-and then shane bolting to the bathroom to get SO sick
and he REMEMBERS this feeling
which means he puts the pieces together of what EXACTLY had him spiraling out about getting so sick back in the early days of struggling with his sexuality and just turns to ilya like
amandla
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