Phil

they love me because I be saying shit like alas and perchance

last night I said 'how fortuitous' unironically

basketball players fight over the basketball because they are hypnotized before each game to believe it is their egg

in a crazy twist of events, senshi has just won the world cup

gender essentialism is soooo funny bc it's like "this is what women are like" and you're like "I've met women and many of them, if not the majority, have not been like that" and it's like "well women SHOULD be like that" and you're like "why should women be like that" and its like "because that's what women are like"

(goverment voice) we need to protect the children from pornography so our plan is to remove their eyes so they would never see something so traumatic. if you are against removing children's eyes you are basically a pedophile

this sculpture is from 2011 by artist sara swink

cats have been bothering humans since at least 2011

underrated ship dynamic is 'they deserve each other /derogatory'

When I was training to be a paramedic, we had one student ask the instructor what to do in the event of a marijuana overdose. The instructor said "Tell him to take two twinkies and call you in the morning."

teamwork makes the dream work. and dreamwork. makes shrek