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No, but like @bucksbeagle 811 posting the other day hasn't left my mind. It is the actual sequence of events. Buck can't handle being alone because of Eddie being gone, being around Maddie, aka a sibling bond, is a distraction that doesn't actually help him because he still can't be at the house, or the manifestation of his loneliness. Maddie then tells him to go make another friend, he goes hang out with Ravi, who is a friend, and it doesn't help him. He is then dropped in the lap of his ex, and then sex is the thing that helps him actually face his loneliness. Sex. Crucially, something Buck does not do with Eddie. The thing Buck used for years to pretend he had love and closeness. The thing that helps Buck is the potential for a romantic relationship. And the physicality he does not have with Eddie. He only stops missing his best friend while considering a boyfriend. And then he actually admits to his feelings. "I don't have to want to sleep with everyone I have feelings for." The feelings are there, but he feels offended by what he took from the implication that Eddie was the competition, the implication that he would act on those feelings even if he was in a relationship. And then he implies he doesn't have feelings for the person he just slept with. "And I don't have to have feelings for everyone I sleep with." And then he freaks out about an accusation no one made, and tries to deny it. And the physical part is so much louder when you consider Buck and Eddie have barely touched since 810. Buck generally doesn't initiate physical contact, but he has not let himself casually touch Eddie since 811. There have been a couple of fist bumps, but like, nothing of note initiated by Buck. The one thing that made him feel better about missing Eddie is the romantic aspect he admitted to wanting, and then turned around and stopped himself from letting it register, drowning in the denial, because that beautiful traumatized man can't let himself see that not wanting just sex is the point. And he wants so much more from Eddie that he can fully ignore the sex part. Especially with his track record and the fear he has that sex is what ruins his chance of real connection that he expresses to Abby. And that's legit the text of the episode. That happened.
@buckweek day 6: thirty-five | G | 1.8k | Buck is feeling some type of way about turning 35. Eddie shows him there's nothing to worry about. | read on ao3
"You know, this would've been done earlier if you'd let me help you," Eddie says, sidling up beside Buck where he's standing at the kitchen sink.
Buck hums and grabs another plate to dry. "It's your birthday, Eddie. I'm not making you do the dishes after your own party."
"It was hardly a party," Eddie says. "Besides, you cooked. You shouldn't have to handle the clean-up too."
"I love cooking for you," Buck says, with a shrug. It was no trouble, really, hosting a dinner for Eddie. Buck would've done moreâa lot more; thrown a massive party and hired a venue and a caterer and a DJâif that's what Eddie would've wanted.
But Buck knows Eddie. Knows all he ever wants is to be surrounded by those he loves. Their family (the 118 and Athena. Pepa, and Maddie, and Karen, and all the kids) had gathered out in Buck's backyard because it was bigger than Eddie's own. They hovered around the barbecue and then later, the bonfire. Now it's nearing midnight, and everyone has long since gone homeâeveryone except Eddie and Chrisâwho is already fast asleep in Theo's room, wiped after an evening spent entertaining an excited toddler.
"Well, it's appreciated," Eddie mumbles, then he pads across the kitchen to the fridge and grabs two beers. He sets one down on the counter before twisting the cap off his own. "For when you're done," Eddie says, and he takes a sip.
"Thanks," Buck replies, and he works in silence for a few more minutes, drying and setting away the dishes. Eddie watches him, hip leaned casually against the kitchen counter, occasionally pulling on his beer and sometimes, when Buck spares a glance out the corner of his eye, it almost looks like Eddie is blushing.
"You know this means you're not allowed to help with anything tomorrow, right?" Eddie says eventually, as Buck rinses his hands and goes for his own beer. Feels like he could use a drink with the reminder of his upcoming birthday. Not long nowâless than fifteen minutes, according to the digital clock on the microwave.
Buck waves Eddie off as he takes a swig, but Eddie persists. "No! If I can't help today, then you can't help tomorrow. Birthday rules."
"We're not even doing anything for my birthday, Eddie," Buck says. It's not because they don't love him and want to celebrate him; it's just that, well, they were all here tonight. And sure, Buck had invited everyone under the pretense of Eddie's birthday, but it was Buck's house, and they were all there, and Buck and Eddie have always been weirdly codependent. It seems everyone had the same idea to simply celebrate both.
"Buck," Eddie levels him with a look, eyebrows raised as if to say, really? "You don't really believe me and Chris would let it pass without doing anything, do you?"
Buck sighs and rests against the counter right beside Eddie. They're hip-to-hip, shoulders bumping and arms brushing as Buck raises his beer bottle to his lips. Maybe there should be some space between them, leave room for God and all that, but Buck doesn't want to do that, and there's no one around to tell them they should. Besides, Eddie doesn't seem to mind as he leans a little heavier against Buck's side.
"Not really," Buck admits, "I guess I'm just not feeling the birthday spirit this year."
"I can tell. You've been quiet tonight. What's got that big brain of yours doing all this thinking?"
Buck's eyes flit to the microwave clock again. Ten minutes.
"Just life, you know," he says, keeping it somewhat vague because he doesn't want Eddie to push. Of course, Buck should've known better.
"What's wrong with your life?"
"Nothing's wrong!" Buck rushes to reassure him. Truth is, Buck is a little ashamed about the anxiety he feels pooling in his gut, the cold, hollow loneliness he sees when he gazes out at his future.
He loves his job, and he loves his found family. Is so happy to be fostering Theo. He'd never trade any of it for the world, but the truth isâŚBuck thought he'd have more figured out by now. He's always been social, likeable. It's never been difficult to get a date, but now he's a handful of minutes away from thirty-five years old and he still hasn't figured out the trick to making someone stay.
"I thought I'd be closer to settling down by now," he admits softly, and Eddie's brow pinches in a way that's so subtle, Buck almost misses it. "I'm almost thirty-five. I work crazy hours and now I have a kid and thatâ well, it complicates things. I don't want to introduce anyone new into his life and uproot everything now that we've finally found some stability, butâŚI'm lonely too."
"Buck," Eddie exhales, and he's leaning in so close now that Buck can feel that puff of air on his neck. It makes him shiver. "You're not alone."
"I didn't say I was alone," Buck says, turning his face to meet Eddie's eyes. They're big and round as they stare up at him, almost sparkling in the kitchen light. He's so close, too. Crowding into Buck's personal space like he has shares in it. If he just tilts his chin a few more inches, it'd be resting on Buck's shoulder. "I said I'm lonely. That's different."
Eddie's face pinches again, and Buck is looking at him too intently not to see it. He's seen that look before, when Eddie doesn't think Buck would notice. He saw it back when they were standing in a different kitchen, taking their anger at Bobby's loss out on each other; he saw it when he was Freddy Fakeman; he saw it when he told Eddie that it was a date he'd walked in on, that Buck likes men; he saw it when he said Natalia just gets him. Buck has seen that look so many times over the years, and he hates it. It's the only expression he doesn't know how to read on Eddie's face.
"What exactly are you looking for, Buck?" Eddie asks softly, no judgment in his tone; all curiosity.
"Someone I can call when things are tough with Theo, or to celebrate with when things are good. Someone to help with grocery shopping or setting up the Christmas tree. Hell, someone to split gas costs with. JustâŚsomeone who chooses me. A partner."
"You already have all that," Eddie says, rounding on Buck so they're standing face-to-face, Buck trapped between the breadth of Eddie's body and the counter. "You have me."
He says it so sincerely it almost breaks Buck's heart. Eddie is his best friend, and Buck knows he means well. But he's spent so longâyears, probablyânot looking directly at his feelings for Eddie. Over the past few months, with Eddie around even more often to help with Theo, it's been harder and harder to avoid looking. Buck's feelings for Eddie are like the sun; bright and burning, they nourish him and warm him all over, but they're dangerous if he gets too close. Lately, he's been getting closer and closer.
The last thing Buck is looking forâthe thing he won't admit to Eddieâis an escape. Someone to eclipse that sun, help Buck move on, stop wanting something he will never have.
"Even you won't be single forever," Buck says, trying for a teasing rib, but it comes out more like a pained whine. Whatever. If Eddie notices anything in his voice, Buck will blame it on being tired. "One day you'll meet someone. You don'tâ We won't be able to put each other first forever. And even if we could, I wouldn't want that for you. You deserve to be loved, Eddie. You deserve to be happy."
Buck expects that undecipherable look again, but Eddie's face opens up in dawning realization instead. Then he's laughing. It's quiet because the boys are asleep, but his lips pull back to reveal his canines, and his eyes are crinkling at the corners, and the balls of his cheeks are going pink.
"I am happy, Buck," he says eventually, shuffling closer so his feet slot in between Buck's. They're almost chest-to-chest. "Everything I need is right here, under this roof."
A lump lodges itself in Buck's throat. Eddie's looking up at him through thick lashes, eyes glittering and a soft smile on his face. Hope blooms in his chest like wildflowers in an open field, beautiful but invasive. Buck tries to pull it out by the roots.
"It's not the same as a romantic relationship," Buck says, shaking his head. "I can't give youâ"
His sentence is cut off by the firm press of Eddie's lips against his own.
The kiss happens so quickly it catches him off guard and he tenses under Eddie's touchâone hand in his hair, the other on his bicep. Buck is quick to collect himself and kiss back, though his brain hasn't quite caught up to the fact that Eddie is kissing him. He doesn't know what that means, but Eddie tilts his head to deepen the kiss, steps forward so they're flush against each other completely andâoh. Eddie is just as interested as Buck is.
Buck loses a little of his composure and whimpers into the kiss, but he has enough of his faculties about him to remember how to use his arms and brings them to wrap tight around Eddie's waist. Eddie hums his approval directly into Buck's mouth.
He doesn't know or care how long they stand there kissing before they part, gasping short little breaths into each other's mouths, neither ready to de-tangle their hold just yet.
"I have everything I want right here," Eddie reiterates. "I hope you do, too."
"I do, Eddie," Buck says so fast he almost gives himself whiplash, ready to drop to his knees and beg if he needs to. "Everything."
"Good," Eddie says with a single, controlled nod, followed by another quick kiss. His eyes drift to the microwave. Buck doesn't follow his gaze; he has better things to look at right now.
"I love you," Buck whispers into the night, because he can't hold it in any longer. The words have sat in his heart for so long they're seared into the very fiber of his being, but it eases some of the burn to finally let them out.
Eddie's eyes return to him, and he smiles, warm and gooey like the lava cake Buck baked for dessert.
"I love you too," he replies, fingers digging into the flesh of Buck's arms and tugging gently at his curls. "Happy birthday, Buck."
All Buck can do is smile because in his arms, he's got everything he's ever wanted.
buck week tag list (message me to be added/removed): @bustybuckley @poledancingghostson @buddieswitness @ongjoelle @mihidecet @nee-naw-911 @bucksbabybelly
this is my last fic for buck week but thank you all for reading <3
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my idea that never was for day 2 of buck week was for harry to ask buck how much he needed to bulk up because he keeps seeing buck's weights increase and buck telling him that it's so he can carry the entire 118 out of a disaster if he needs to. leading to everyone standing in the loft with various expressions as buck cracks his knuckles and carries them one by one down the loft stairs and deposits them in the engine. he knocks ravi's head into the railing one time and ravi contemplates transferring. chim keeps kicking him for fun. harry is weirdly good at it and he reveals that bobby used to practice carrying him too. hen's glasses almost fall off and buck has to carry her one handed while holding them because she said that if they crack he's paying for a new pair. eddie's like wait you know you can carry me you carried me after i got shot and buck's like WELL YOU'RE BIGGER NOW SO and eddie is so red and stiff (insert entendre here) as buck carries him and when he drops him off hen's like 'had fun, eddie?' and eddie's like 'please don't look at me right now.'
anyways buck carries all of them fine but when he tries to climb in the engine himself his shoelace goes loose and he trips and falls on his face. the end.
Sometimes all it takes is one chapter to tell a story. This week's recs celebrate one shots that tell unforgettable stories in a single sitting.
37 fic recs under the cut:
1. tell me the truth will disappear if i'm holding your hands by ryliversbuddie (@ryliversbuddie) (11.4k, Teen)
Warnings: Graphic Depictions of Violence; blood and injury details, medical procedureÂ
9x18 spec/fix it fic where buck is in the elevator with eddie and had to do a field transfusionÂ
Reccer says: the tension of the situation in the hospital was so well conveyed. the buck/eddie dynamic was so well written. the blood transfusion is done in a poetic way and is a red string of fate metaphor. and a third party feelings confession!
2. Table For Two In Manhattan by buckmeetsboy (12.6k, General)
Warnings: grief/mourningÂ
Three years after Bobby's funeral, Eddie and Buck finally talk.Â
Reccer says: it's an incredibly well-written, incredibly tender story about grief and love and the characterization of both Buck and Eddie is so on point. It made me cry and laugh and cry again. Â
3. authentication by v_greyson (greyson) (@vgreysoncellars) (18k, Explicit)
Warnings: none
Eddie judges Buck's taste in guys, which somehow leads to him picking guys out for Buck on night's out. In a chill and normal and platonic and straight way.Â
Reccer says: funny and hot and heartfelt by turnsÂ
4. glass on the pavement under my shoe by doitgently (@doitbuckley) (9.4k, Teen)
Warnings: Near Death Experiences, Major Character InjuryÂ
Buck takes a great big tumble. Like always, Eddie is right behind him.Â
Reccer says: incredible whump with a really really excellent dark dry sense of humor that fits the tone perfectly. the character voices here are incredible.
5. how do I say what you already know by martianbarnes (@diazboys) (5.1k, Teen)
Warnings: none
Buck asks Eddie to dinner. Eddie doesn't think much about it.Â
Reccer says: I liked it!
6. listen (do you want to know a secret) by Minalover (@Minalover) (3.6k, General)
Warnings: none
Buck throws a barbecue at Bobby's with some surprisesÂ
Reccer says: absolutely adorable, bright and bubbly and sweet!Â
7. ain't i fallen (in love) by headlightsoup (14.4k, Explicit)
Warnings: Implied/referenced homophobiaÂ
After the events of Mother's Boy, Buck and Eddie drive home together. Buck does his best to navigate his feelings.Â
Reccer says: This is a really lovely character exploration with a bonus of hot sex.Â
8. Â the tortured poets department by colonoscopys (19k, Explicit)
Warnings: NoneÂ
The first time Buck touched him, Eddie blew an ambulance up. (Ft. Witch!Eddie)Â
Reccer says: I liked it!
9. Iâm in a situation by rotisserie_marie_chicken (3.7k, General)
Warnings: none
Buck calls Eddie when he gets into a situation just before Eddieâs move to El Paso. They (kind of) talk about it.Â
Reccer says: Thereâs no rush to resolve the conflict. The fic is just okay with exploring their dynamic in a short slice of time and itâs a wonderful, angsty read.Â
10. Little by little (move a little closer to me) by tyremarbles (@brratbuck) (12.3k, Teen)
Warnings: none
5 times Eddie sneaks a taste of something Buck baked and 1 time Buck sneaks a taste of something insteadÂ
Reccer says: I liked it!
11. Surprise Me by DJW760 (15.7k, General)
Warnings: none
5 times Buck knows exactly what food to get Eddie, and the 1 time Eddie knows exactly what to get BuckÂ
Reccer says: I liked it!
12. you are so gorgeous it makes me so mad by bellabrady (5k, General)
Warnings: none
Eddie is annoyed with Buck for being so very kissable but his drunk self isn't the best at phrasing things.Â
Reccer says: I liked it!
13. Â Â The Wedding Planner by xylodemon (@xylodemon) (15.3k, Explicit)
Warnings: none
Buck starts accidentally planning his wedding with Eddie before they're dating.Â
Reccer says: I liked it!
14. eau de vie by veil_nebula (@eddiesgayladder ) (4.6k, Explicit)
Warnings: Undernegotiated KinkÂ
Eddie has an oral fixation, and Buck has an idea.Â
Reccer says: excellent porn, and genuinely lovely prose while the boys fuck nastyÂ
15. forbearance by waterlanding (@exhausteddiaz) (5.7k, Explicit)
Warnings: none
Buck forces himself to slow down, take a second. Replay the last five minutes in his head. He can look at this logically, assess the facts: he and Eddie had gone out. He and Eddie had a few drinks. He and Eddie had been shooting the shit and now heâs rifling through his nightstand, grabbing for a device that keeps your dick from getting hard.
Because Buck said heâd show it. To Eddie.Â
Reccer says: incredibly in-character sexual dynamics, and very very good and hot pornÂ
16. Elevator Pitch by floatyourboat1997 (@floatboats) (11.7k, Teen)
Warnings: none
The fic where the 118 gets trapped in an elevator, and with too much free time on their hands, they treat it as an impromptu therapy sesh.Â
Reccer says: I liked it!
17. light, dark, light again by fruitsdoesnotknow (@fruitsdontknow) (5.6k, Teen)
Warnings: Author Chose Not to Use Archive WarningsÂ
Eddie finds out that Buck used to have a crush on him. Past tense. He spirals about it.Â
Reccer says: Deeply sweet, full of the fear of missed chancesÂ
18. Hit and Run by Talls (@tallsinspace) (7.7k, Mature)
Warnings: none
"Youâre acting like youâre not going to have to miss me,â Buck says, pressing the bruise. âLike Iâll be able to come over whenever I want, crash at your place when I get too tired, like youâre not leaving the timezone.â
âYeah, well Iâm trying to keep you in my life,â Eddie bites out, âand youâre acting like this is some kind of permanent goodbye.â
âThis is goodbye, Eddie,â Buck retorts, his jaw tense. âYouâre leaving.â   Â
Reccer says: it's beautiful and aching and catharticÂ
19. 800 Miles by facewithoutheart (@facewithoutheart) (1.9k, Teen)
Warnings: brief and vague references to canonical suicide attemptÂ
Buck tells Maddie that he plans to move to Texas with Eddie. Maddie goes straight to Eddie about it.Â
Reccer says: Maddie and Eddie is such an underrated and underrepresented dynamic, and this is a really perfect look at the two of them in a very difficult moment.Â
20. the ghost you're dressed up as by MegsWrites (@megsvstheworld) (5.2k, Teen)
Warnings: Author Chose Not to Use Archive Warnings; car accidents, some depiction of blood and injury, minor character death, minor haunting, supernatural elementsÂ
Eddie falls off a cliff and climbs a mountain. And finds a little help along the way.Â
Reccer says: It's tender! I teared up reading this, I felt each of those 5k words, and it felt like a 9-1-1 episode!Â
When Buck starts a fight in a bar, a stranger comes to his rescue. Buck brings him back to his hotel to patch him up.Â
Reccer says: Amazing fic and so so so hot, with a nice twist at the end ;)Â
22. vile prophecy (scrape it out of me) by literalmetaphor (@absolutelybifurious) (17.6k, Explicit)
Warnings: Author Chose Not to Use Archive Warnings; Mildly Dubious Consent, Passive SuicidalityÂ
Eddie gets a pair of wings that may or may not be terminal.Â
Reccer says: This is a really gorgeous exploration of Eddie's tendency towards self-sacrifice. The way Buck loves him is also so tender.Â
23. Eddie Diaz Picks a Book by CourtepointeClementine, sunlight (@courtepointeclementine, @justonebigbee) (21.8k, Mature)
Warnings: none
Eddie joins Maddie's bookclub and learns things about himself through reading.Â
Reccer says: i loved the maddieddie friendship and watching eddie get excited about books. a fic for booklovers (and everyone else)!Â
24. transference by waterlanding (@exhausteddiaz) (3k, Explicit)
Warnings: none
Buck sleeps with Tommy to make Eddie jealous instead of adopting Blaze. Things go differently when Buck shows up as Freddie Fakeman to apologize.Â
Reccer says: Small canon divergences in fics, especially ones hinged on sex, can be so tricky to navigate well, but this story nails it. It's hot, funny, believable, and close to canon but just different enough to keep the reader guessing.Â
25. Answer me this by Graceful_Ashes (@graceful-ashes) (2.4k, Mature)
Warnings: None
Buck likes to watch Jeopardy! And answer the clues. Eddie decides to test just how good he is at this...when he's a little preoccupied.Â
Reccer says: I liked it!
26. they say history repeats itself (but this time itâs you) by kabnd (7.1k, Teen)
Warnings: Panic Attacks, Car AccidentÂ
Buck gets hit by a car, and he knows heâs going to be fineâŚbut he knows Eddie wonât be, not when Buck is lying on the ground in a puddle of his blood like a bad recreation of the day that Shannon diedÂ
Reccer says: for all the buckshannon parallel lovers out thereÂ
27. Live or Die - Make Your Choice by Sassay (@Sassay) (4.1k, Explicit)
Warnings: Graphic Depictions of Violence     Â
Wrong place, wrong time - Buck and Eddie unintentionally fall into a saw trap of life and death. A choice needs to be made and sacrifice is the aim of the game.Â
Reccer says: I liked it!
28. Trapped With This Love by Graceful_Ashes (@graceful-ashes) (2.5k, General)
Warnings: none
Buck realises he has feelings for Eddie and begins avoiding him.
Then they get trapped in a cave together and avoiding Eddie is no longer an option.Â
Reccer says: I liked it!
29. Your Kiss Might Kill Me (So Won't You Kill Me) by morganofthefairies (9k, Explicit)
Warnings: orgasm delay, D/sÂ
Buck had lightly explored submission with a previous partner, and he has a totally chill and normal reaction when Eddie offhandedly calls him a good boy on a call.Â
Reccer says: sweet and hot and has a classic lil bi panic spiralÂ
30. christopher diaz and the plights of stan twitter by thesquinky (8.2k, Teen)
Warnings: crack ficÂ
Chris is the youngest member of Hotshots stan twt, and famous Sanchez haterÂ
Reccer says: Hilarious, silly, deeply funÂ
31. awakening at your hand by wontrewpeering (Trudemaethien) (4.6k, Explicit)
Warnings: Mutual dubconÂ
Eddie, home alone, jacks off in bed and goes to sleep without getting dressed. Buck gets off an exhausting shift and comes home to drop into bed.
Two perfectly logical and innocent choices collide and change everything.   Â
Reccer says: I liked it!
32. Aftershocks by pansiesandposies (5.9k, Explicit)
Warnings: none
Eddie finds out that Buck and Tommy slept together. He proceeds to be very normal and straight about the whole thing.Â
Reccer says: It's fun and hot, but also full of aching feelings and their innate obsession with each other.Â
33. the guy next door by madforyou (8.1k, Teen)
Warnings: none
The odds of the universe dropping a naked man on your doorstep are low, but never zero.Â
Reccer says: This fic is SO funny and SO well written! You're gonna love Eddie "disaster gay" Diaz internal monologue!Â
34. I'm addicted to your [hugs] by passionfruitwriter (3.5k, General)
Warnings: Mention of addiction [to hugs]Â
"And now here Eddie is, hyping himself up to choose joy.
The thing is that hugging isnât something Buck and Eddie usually do. He can count on one, maybe two hands, how many times theyâve hugged in seven years. So he canât just open his arms and have Buck come crawling into him. He must take different, more calculated measures. "Â Â Â
Reccer says: It's fluffy, sweet, and feels like a hug!Â
35. All About Eddie by Sintari (OriginalSintari) (@sintari) (1.1k, Teen)
Warnings: none
Eddie keeps mentioning things he finds attractive in men. Buck hears this and spirals.Â
Reccer says: I liked it!
36. (low) by rogerzsteven (@rogerzsteven) (3.6k, General)
Warnings: none
Some days, after the lighting strike, Buck canât get out of bed. Eddie helps take care of him when this happens.Â
Reccer says: I liked it!
37. imagine being loved by me by montygreenn (20.5k, Teen)
Warnings: none
Buck copes with unrequited love by maladaptive daydreaming, buying Eddie flowers, and lying to the farmers market vendor about his imaginary husband.Â
Reccer says: This is sweet, sad, and hilarious. It has a little bit of everything. Â
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
â Live Streamingâ Interactive Chatâ Private Showsâ HD Qualityâ Free Actions
Free to watch ⢠No registration required ⢠HD streaming
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