to find each other

“Well then it’s my turn,” Eddie counters, and he hears Buck’s head thunk against the door on the other side. Their foreheads would be pressed together if the door wasn’t between them, and Eddie bites back a grin. “I’m going to say what I want to say anyway, Buck. I’d rather not give your neighbors a show.”

Buck sighs loud enough for Eddie to hear. “Do we have to?”

“Buck. Please.”

Another sigh and some commotion, and then Eddie nearly falls on his face when the door is ripped open.

“Shit,” Buck swears when Eddie stumbles, catching him at the elbows. He lets go as soon as Eddie’s upright, looking just as pale as he did when he fled Eddie’s house thirty minutes ago. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Eddie says. He steps into the foyer and closes the door behind him. Buck is standing very still apart from his wringing hands; Eddie wants to still them with his own, but one wrong move might have Buck fleeing the state if he’s not careful. “Where’s Theo?”

“Watching cartoons,” Buck says. Eddie can hear the muted sounds of it from the living room. He opens his mouth to speak, but Buck cuts him off at the knees.

“Eddie, I’m sorry,” Buck interrupts, and again Eddie has to hold back a laugh. For all Buck’s protests against talking about it, he can’t help rushing in headfirst anyway. “I’m—you weren’t supposed to hear that, obviously, I mean—I mean it was your house, you had every right to-to—”

“Buck, no. I should have left when I heard you guys.”

“But still,” Buck continues, stricken. “I wasn’t thinking, we shouldn’t have even been talking about it, I—I never would have said that, I never wanted to-to make it weird. I’m sorry.”

Eddie nods and says nothing. Buck looks terrified, the same way he looked this morning over coffee when Eddie calmly regaled what he’d overheard. Not that he can exactly blame him. Eddie spent the night staring at the ceiling, recontextualizing his entire life and repeating Buck’s words back to himself, overanalyzing the heartache in his voice and Maddie’s calm, measured assurances until he gave himself a headache.

It was a just small party celebrating the end of the school year for the kids. Eddie offered to host this year, with Buck’s enthusiastic help, and it had been in full swing when Eddie realized he hadn’t seen Buck in forty-five minutes. Everyone was outside, enjoying the weather and homemade lemonade, kids playing in the sprinkler or gossiping in the shade. He eventually found Buck with Maddie, nursing their drinks on the floor of Chris’ room and watching Theo nap on his bed. Eddie hesitated just outside the door, struck by the sight—he’d never seen Theo so still. Maddie and Buck couldn’t see him, their heads leaned close together as they talked quietly. He was just about to leave them to it when he heard his own name and let curiosity get the best of him.

“Eddie wouldn’t do that,” Maddie said softly. “You can’t really believe he’d let this come between you.”

“It’s not worth the risk,” Buck had replied.

“But what if it is?” Maddie said. Eddie saw her reach for Buck’s wrist, circling it gently and rubbing her thumb across his hand. “What if he feels the same?”

Eddie’s heart stuttered to a halt. He should’ve walked away then, but his feet were like lead.

“He doesn’t, Mads. He can’t.”

“Buck—”

“No, seriously, it’s fine Maddie. Really. I’ll—I have so much going on with Theo and everything, and I just… I’ll get over it.”

“Will you?” Maddie asked. Buck was silent for a long moment.

“No,” Buck admitted quietly. Maddie laid her head on his shoulder, and Eddie had to leave then, padding quietly away before his pounding heart alerted them to his presence.

Eddie has no idea how the rest of the night went. He’d spent twenty minutes in the bathroom, hiding, staring blankly at a water spot on the mirror before he felt sane enough to rejoin the party. He was mentally checked out, barely able to hold a conversation, something buzzing violently in his stomach every time he laid eyes on Buck for the rest of the evening. It felt suspiciously like butterflies, and though he’d tried to drown them in lemonade and denial, they persisted all through the night as Buck stayed to help clean.

It was late by the time they finished. Eddie suggested they spend the night when Theo curled himself back on Chris’ bed; Eddie’s heart doubled in size when he asked Chris to read him a bedtime story, and he pointedly did not look at Buck. He wasn’t sure what he would have done if their eyes had met while Theo picked a book from Chris’ old favorites.

Chris slept in Eddie’s bed so that Theo could have his. Buck crashed on the couch not long after the kids, giving Eddie plenty of time to have about eight different crises in a twelve hour span while his teenager snored softly in his ear.

Now, Buck is staring at him, still wringing his hands, still scared, unaware of how thoroughly he’s flipped Eddie’s world on its head, how badly Eddie wants him to do it again.

Eddie steps closer. Buck tracks the move with sharp eyes but doesn’t retreat.

“So you want me to just forget about it then?” Eddie asks, and Buck deflates, looking equal parts relieved and disappointed.

“I—I think that would be best.”

“Because you didn’t mean it?”

Buck swallows—Eddie hears his throat click with it.

“I—you weren’t supposed to find out,” Buck says miserably.

“That’s not what I asked,” Eddie says, stepping closer still. He could touch Buck now, has to fist his hands at his sides to stop himself.

“Eddie,” Buck says, voice ragged. “Don’t.”

“Buck, just—listen, okay? I spent all night thinking about you,” Eddie admits, and Buck goes still. “I thought about everything you mean to me, and Chris. I thought about how terrified I was in New Mexico, and after, and every other goddamn time I almost lost you.”

“Language,” Buck says weakly, a habit formed since he became Theo’s guardian, though he’s well out of earshot right now. Eddie smiles, stupidly smitten, and it emboldens him to continue.

“I thought about how I’ve folded you into my life in every way, since the day we met. And how I depend on you, and trust you, more than I’ve ever trusted anyone. How strangers have always been able to see what you are to me before I knew myself. And mostly, I thought—about what it could be like, if we were. If we tried. And I want to try, Buck. I want—everything with you.” Eddie takes a deep breath and adds, “Forever.”

Buck inhales sharply, jaw slack with surprise, and Eddie closes the distance, finally taking Buck's hands between his. They’re clenched into tight fists, and Eddie loosens Buck’s iron grip one finger at a time. He slides his hands up Buck's arms then back down, feels the way Buck slowly relaxes under his touch. It's a heady feeling, having that kind of power, and he's instantly addicted. Buck's eyelids flutter when Eddie's hands find his hips, gently coaxing him backwards until Buck's back hits the wall.

"I thought about this too," Eddie says softly, letting his hands wander, fitting his fingers in the grooves between Buck's ribs. Buck’s pulse thumps in his throat—Eddie wants to taste it. "And the way you look at me when you think I can't see you."

"Eddie," Buck breathes. His eyes flick to Eddie's lips, and that's a rush too, one that goes through him like lightning, makes his stomach clench pleasantly.

"Yeah. Like that," Eddie says with a grin.

Buck's love-drunk expression cracks at last and he laughs. "Wow that was—did you practice that?"

"I did say I was up all night," Eddie admits, cheeks hot, smile too big and revealing.

Buck matches it, of course, and tentatively holds Eddie's waist at last. "God, Eddie, you—I—"

"I know," Eddie says, brushing a thumb across Buck’s jaw. "Me too."

Buck smiles again, almost shy, and leans his forehead against Eddie's. They smile at each other, cross-eyed and stupid with it.

"So, um," Buck says, leaning back a bit so he can hold Eddie's face in his hand. His thumb swipes across Eddie's warm cheek, then his lips, and Eddie shivers. "What, uh. What else did you think about?" he asks cheekily.

"This and that," Eddie teases, swaying closer when Buck's eyes land on his mouth again. "It was a long night. Probably easier if I show you."

Eddie goes easily when Buck tilts his chin up, and smiles into the kiss.

—