May is working the day Peter gets his wisdom teeth out, so she asks Happy to pick him up from his appointment.
Of course, Tony overhears Happy talking to Pepper, and like the nosy man he is inserts himself into other peoples' business.
"Tony, what are you doing in my car."
"I don't know, what are you doing in your car. Shouldn't you be at work?"
"I took the afternoon off. How'd you even get in, the doors were locked—"
"Oh really? You just 'take the day off' from protecting my company?"
"Yeah, kind of like you're taking the day off from saving the world."
"Get out of the car Tony."
The man in question folds his arms and leans back into the seat behind Happy's own.
"What? I'm comfortable where I am thank you."
Happy sighs, but if he tries to have a stand off with Tony Stark Peter will have graduated college by the time he's able to get to the dentist's office.
Traffic is light this time of day as Happy pulls off into the street, glancing at Tony in the rearview mirror.
"You know what I'm doing today and you've decided to insert yourself."
"I maybe overheard about some interesting occurence and inquired. Nice going with the aunt by the way, out of the two of us I really wasn't expecting you to get there first."
Happy swirls back in his seat, stealing glances at Tony between navigating the road. "You—what do you mean by that? You hit on May? Did you go out with her? Tony. Tony!"
"Relax, it was some light flirting. She totally had the hots for me though. If I wasn't hung up on Pep who knows, maybe I'd be the one in the driver's seat right now."
Happy's hands tighten on the leather steering wheel before releasing it along with a deep breath.
"If our roles were reversed I wouldn't be in the back seat because I'm not a weirdo who stalks teenagers."
Tony scoffs, "I am not stalking anyone. I wanna see little Mr. goody-two-shoes higher than the Empire State Building and record it for blackmail. Totally different ball game."
By the time Happy pulls into the parking lot Tony has a giddy grin on his face.
"This is gonna be fabulous. Think he's gonna spill some secrets? Maybe he's just the stupid type. Although I could still do mathematics with 98% accuracy when I was baked out of my mind, so probably not. I knew this guy in college who thought everything was funny when he was high, he'd laugh at lampposts till he pissed himself. That might've just been all the beer he drank though."
"Don't terrorize the kid. May will kill me if we mess this up," Happy gets out of the car, leaning in and looking at Tony expectantly. "You coming?"
"Oh, no. I'm not here to help in any capacity."
Happy slams the door with an eye roll.
The kid is already talking as Happy guides him to the car, hands gesticulating as Happy pushes his wheelchair up to the side of the vehicle opposite Tony. He opens the back door for the kid and helps him sit down.
"C'n I have a hotdog?" Peter asks, voice muffled with cotton.
"No Peter, no solids yet."
Gasp, "I love smoothies!"
"Great. Now put your seatbelt on."
Happy closes the door on him, Peter finally turning away to clip his seatbelt on. Then he notices Tony.
He stares, for several moments. Chubby cheeks swollen with the gauze poking through his lips.
Both the men cringe at the scream in the confined space.
"Mr. Stark! Happy, Mr. Stark is here! In your car!"
"Mr. Stark wha are you doing here! No way! This is, this is craaazy."
"Thought I'd come see how you're doing."
"So good. Feelin great. I should be this high all the every time."
"If you were this high all the every time you'd probably be a spider-pancake."
"Shhhhh, you can't say that. It's a secret identity."
"I know you're Spider-Man Peter," Happy adds from the driver's seat.
Tony smirks, patting the pouting boy on the shoulder.
"Don't worry, I blew that one for you months ago. Anything else you've been keeping from us?"
Consternation wrinkles Peter's forehead in thought.
"My lips are sealed," Tony says with a locking motion of his mouth.
"I ate the dark chocolate bar you had in your desk."
"I have chocolate in my desk?"
"Not anymoreeee." Peter sings.
Happy scoffs amusedly from the front seat as he pulls out onto the main road, Tony turning to him.
"Not exactly world shattering stuff, but entertaining nonetheless."
"Mis'er Stark yer so nice to me. You're always there for me, and I don't want to die."
"And half the time I'd die you come all shiny and are like nooo, don't do that! And I don't."
"That's what I'm here for kid."
Happy and Tony both freeze.
"We're in the middle of—"
"I gotta be somewhere, I forgot."
"No way Tony, you break into my car you face the consequences."
"This isn't as fun as I thought, I've severely underestimated the effects of laughing gas."
Peter sways into Tony, placing his head on the uncomfortable man's shoulder. He wiggles away from Peter but this only serves to displace him into Tony's lap, the boy's head resting on his thighs.
"Personal bubble. I have a personal bubble."
Any attempt at removing Peter from the pillow of the man's body only causes the teen to whine and burrow further into the warmth of another.
"Why do you hate me," Peter asks Tony with watering eyes.
"You stop that right now. I do not hate you."
"But yer being so meannn. I just want to sleep," the boy's voice cracks on 'sleep', tears gliding down his swollen face as his red-rimmed eyes and shaking bottom lip accuse Tony.
The man's hands wave around the air disjointedly, head swivelling in sheer panic before zeroing in on his driver. Leaning in closer to the front seat he hisses in Happy's ear, "I swear to god I'll have you barbequed if you don't let me out of this vehicle immediately."
"No, I'm quite content with the arrangement we have going on right now," Happy replies, merth coating his words.
"I'll demote you till you're my glorified coat rack for this insubordination."
"I'm not on the clock right now, so you aren't my boss. Just my dim-witted friend getting a taste of karma."
"Oh I'll show you karma—"
"Stop movin'" Peter complains, now having rolled around to shove his face in Tony's stomach.
Scolded, Tony sits back. Peter rubs snot, drool, and tears on his t-shirt while all Tony can do is watch in disgust.
"Will you stop wiggling around and just sleep, since you wanted to so bad."
"Mhm. G'night, love you."
Tony stares out the window.
"Love you. Y'have to say it back."
"And sweet dreams. I hope the bed bugs eat you."
"Wow Tony, that was heartless."
"It's a joke! I, god. This is ridiculous. FRIDAY you better delete all this footage."
"FRIDAY do not delete any of this footage," Happy cuts in.
"Um, you have no jurisdiction here pal."
"If you were going to film a kid on drugs and use it for humiliation then I feel he has every right to use the evidence against you. Plus Pepper and Jim will get a kick out of it. You wanna be on Pepper's good side don't you FRI?"
"Hey, stop talking to my AI. She's in my earpiece, my glasses, birthed from my brain."
Peter giggles, "FRIDAY is Athena, and you're Zeus. Tryna kick Thor's butt for the best lightning."
"Now he's talking nonsense. You should probably get him to a hospital, and drop me off right here so I don't make things worse."
"Oh no you don't," Happy says as they pull up to a red light and Tony reaches for the door handle.
Tugging, the door doesn't budge.
"Really? Child safety lock?"
"There's a child back there and for safety reasons you need to be his pillow."
Peter cracks an eye open at the harsh tone, lip wobbling again.
"Holy cow manipulative much. How many lollipops you scam off people with that trick as a kid?"
"Oh I highly doubt that."
"Don't be mean to me I've been removing my body parts and I'm tired!"
"And I'm sure Happy will tuck you into a real bed. I am not a bed!"
"Hogan turn on the heat so this brat will get off me—OW. Did you just?! He just bit me!"
Happy laughs raucously, hand slapping the steering wheel in hilarity.
"Don't laugh! He could have—diseases. You aren't even supposed to have teeth anymore!"
"Front teef are still fully operational!" Peter threatens, smushing his eyebrows together intimidatingly.
"The audacity of this kid! When you're lucid you're in for a world of pain bucko."
"Hmf." Peter crosses his arms and turns his back on Tony, head still in his lap.
Shaking his head in disbelief and muttering to himself, Tony works himself up in a one-person conversation.
Happy wipes a joyous tear from his eye. "Oh this was the best idea you've ever had. I'm so glad you're here."
Tony nods coolly, "Mrs. Parker."
"I didn't know you'd be helping out with Peter today."
"Me neither," he says flatly, sitting on the Parker's couch with a sleeping teenager still cushioned on his lap.
His mouth is wide open in slumber, bloody gauze peeking out and slobber getting all over Tony's jeans.
"Stay for dinner, it's the least we can do. Was he feeling alright?"
"Oh he was just fine. Whether he'll still be after he wakes up is debatable..."
"What was that?" May calls from the kitchen.
"Nothing! So what's for dinner?"
Tony sighs, "Of course it is."
Relaxing further into the worn couch cushions the man gently moves some of Peter's curls out of his eyes with an unperturbed touch. His fond eyes admire just how much the kid looks like a chipmunk right now due to his swollen face, pink nose and all.
"You're disgusting, and a potential biohazard," he whispers to the sleeping boy.
He doesn't wake. Tony keeps petting his hair anyways.
