Consistently Fabulous

and now I’m wondering if I jinxed myself because like a couple of weeks after, I  bought this:

possibly he is growing to match the plate?

it’s located right by the I-75 highway and anyone driving in or out of cincinnati could see it from the road and it was horrifying the first time i saw it because i felt like i was about to die.

the statue was called king of kings, but i only ever heard it referred to as touchdown jesus. just imagine yourself kicking a football through those lofty open arms…..ohio 1, satan 0.

in 2010 touchdown jesus was very sadly struck by lightning and burned down, possibly because so many heathens were calling him touchdown jesus and imagining playing football with the lord. or possibly because that’s just what happens when you build a giant styrofoam and fiberglass statue next to an artificial pond on a hill in the middle of rural ohio.

fortunately our good friends down in englewood have contingency plans for god’s wrath and the end of the world, so they built a new statue named lux mundi. unfortunately, lux mundi is not as amped to play football.

but he does look like he’s down for hugs.

Like that was either a very unfortunate oversight or someone who was commissioned to work on the statue being a little shit.

He’s still a sweetie but with more attitude and will fuck up your shit if he’s grumpy or if you’re wearing shoes with shoelaces. He doesn’t like that. He watches Netflix with me a lot and cries anytime theres explosions or gunshots in a show. He has so many chicken lady friends who he adores and he has fathered 4 chicks. I tried to train him to walk on a leash but he protested by laying down and refusing to move, so we gave that up after a while. He likes to guard me from cars and squirrels, and even plastic bags (which are his worst fear)

fucking christ I am sobbing

You wanna hate the rich? Like more than you undoubtedly deservedly already do?

Come here, I got something for you…

oh, its just a paper cup you’d say

nope, its china, this is $95 for a pair

not the most egregious thing to be fair…

so how bout this?

a $175  single golf tee

or maybe:

a $350 dollar miniature Chinese food box

not your taste?

howabout 10 legos for 15 hundred dollars?

or

perhaps a harmonica that renders the player utterly incapable of playing blues or folk music?

maybe not,

howbout a thousand dollar tin can?

not egregious enough?

try this $350 dollar gold crazy straw.

still not pissed?

then i’m sure you won’t blink at this:

9 THOUSAND DOLLAR PURE SILVER BALL OF FUCKING YARN

If you take care of your nails and file them, they’re actually not that sharp! There’s scratching-skin potential, definitely, but if you’re careful, you don’t. You just have to be careful to use your finger pads when you’re working around the outside of a vulva and be careful if you put a couple of fingers inside (choose a sort of cork-screw motion instead of just pressing against the wall of the vagina) not to scratch the inside wall. 

I’ve slept with a number of girls who had long nails and we just had to be aware of them. They didn’t cause any real problems. 

He asked somebody to raise their hand and ask him when we would use calculus in our everyday life. So one student rose their hand and asked, “When are we going to use this in our everyday life?”

“NEVER!!” the teacher exclaimed. “You will never use calculus in your normal, everyday life. In fact, very few of you will use it in your professional careers either.” Then he paused. “So would you like to know why should care?”

Several us nodded.

He picked out one of the varsity football players in the class. “You practice football a lot during the week, right Tim?” asked the teacher.

“Yeah,” replied Tim. “Almost every day.”

“Do you and your teammates ever lift weights during practice?”

“Yeah. Tuesdays and Thursdays we spend a lot of practice in the weight room.”

“But why?” asked the teacher. “Is there ever going to be a play your coach tells you use during a game that requires you to bench press the other team?”

“No, of course not.”

“Then why lift weights?”

“Because it makes us stronger,” said Tim.

“Bingo!!” said the teacher. “It’s the same thing with calculus. You’re not here because you’re going to use calculus in your everyday life. You’re here because calculus is weightlifting for your brain.”

Space mythology.

Saints of the starship and angels that take their true form as nebulae, great and fiery amorphous beings that speak the will of the Universe

Nymphs of asteroid fields and planetary rings, sylphs that fly in the tails of comets and solar wind, the gods of the galactic core

Demons that dwell in black holes and eat the hearts of dying stars, spirits of galactic battles that cause engines and shields to fail when you get too close to their graves

Ghost ships, long MIA, drifting in dark space, an inaccessible monument to those lost

Demigods, Herculean beings forged in solar fire surviving alone and unshielded in the vacuum, on an icy rock so far from a star as to never see its light

Heroes and saints ascending to their gods by dissolving into starlight and void