Fleshed Database of unintegrated experiences

I tell her to be my guest and give me a call when she gets her jaw broken, I always carry a first aid kit and a pepper spray.

She calls me a misogynistic asshole.

A cis man tells me that he'd sure love some T.

Gave him my prescription and best of luck with the constant shortages and getting denied.

He calls me a pussy.

I'm fighting for my life and reproductive rights. I get told to get off women's fights, that it's not about me, like I shed my womb after my first T shot.

I search for support groups for SA victims, and I'm stuck in the same “women/NBs only”. Still shooting my shot, send an application. I introduce myself. Never get a call back.

I go to a trans night. Say I go by he/him. Get told back “yeah, that's how we all start !” by a trans woman. I'm too exhausted, I get up and I leave.

I hang out with my friends, one of them drunkenly says masculinity is a prison we must learn to escape. She gets rows of applause. Back to drinking alone.

Yes I could explain it. But who'd you rather be ? A delusional girl or a man made threat ?Or it could be better, I could just not exist ! And we'd bleach my corpse and I'd become a casualty. Not an F, ot an M, a W for Wound and for Wrong.

[cw for alcoholism and depression]

I'm doing better than when I wrote this, definitely. In October I'll be 4 years on HRT.

I have no words of wisdom. I'm just sorry that from all the posts I've written, this one was the one that resonated the most.

At the time I wrote this, I was drinking a lot, and I remember that some evenings, when I was wasted, I'd say to my partner: "You know, if you weren't there, and I'd pass out or have an accident or attempted, I'd have no one to notice." And yeah it sounds dramatic, especially from an alcoholic, but it was the TRUTH. I had no friends, I was (and am still) estranged from my blood relatives, and the only person I'd receive message from and see was my partner. It was horribly lonely.

I'm close to 6 months sober now and have been actively trying to stop drinking for a year. During this time I got back to school, met people that are so precious to me now that I consider them family, wrote a lot and even performed poetry on stage. Life isn't perfect by any means but it is better. I have a future. My curtains wide open. I'm no longer scared to death about existing or, if I am, I have people that I can reach, I have learned a lot of helpful coping methods, my meds seem to stabilize me at least enough to help me function most of the time.

I have a lot of body dysmorphia. I spent weeks feeling horribly horribly disgusted towards my body from what I thought was dysphoria, and then I realized something: it wasn't gender dysphoria speaking, I didn't want to look "like a man" or "like a woman", I wanted to be beautiful. I wanted to be conventionally attractive. That's the biggest thing that I'm fighting against, like I did all my life really. Now that I know that this is the core of the issue, I'm learning out to move forward. How to love myself. I'm practicing being kinder to myself and my body. It isn't easy: deconstructing everything you've been told since you were born about beauty standards, while living in a body that is trans, fat and disabled, with a history of eating disorders, is tough. For now, I try to tell myself everyday when I see myself in the mirror that I am beautiful. Even on my bad hair, greasy skin and stomach bloated days, I am beautiful. When I get out of the shower, I am beautiful. When I get dressed up and with make up on to see my friends, I am beautiful. When I get out of bed, before my morning coffee, I am beautiful.

I'm no longer interacting that much with trans content outside of here, especially on Instagram and TikTok, because you always see the same bodies being praised, because it always seems like a competition of who got the most gobsmackingly gorgeous or handsome after transitioning.

I didn't transition to be palatable to the cis gaze.

I didn't transition to conform to an ideal that makes my efforts "worth it".

I didn't even transition in ways that are acceptable to society (if that is even a thing).

I did it for myself. Because I needed the change. Because I craved it. Because I wanted to feel at home in my skin. And what's preventing me to feel so, right now, is the fact that I am always comparing myself to others. So I did what I needed to do for my mental health.

And I'm getting better.

Tomorrow I'm going to my local Pride Parade with my partner and my friends. It's going to be a good day even though it's horribly HOT here.

I just wanted to tell you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Hell, I went from getting drunk off my rockers and calling the suicide hotline every other night to this.

It'll take time. But there is still time. I promise.

Level 2: We shouldn't treat mental health facilities as objects of horror because it stigmatises mental illness.

like people would tear someone apart for saying it but its right there. Emi's Manifesto is far better, even without the initial Postscript, at tackling transfeminism and the question of male privilege and gender essentialism than most "transfeminists" on here and she still thought she didn't do enough in 2001 when it was published (& i agree).

and then seven years later she felt that what she had written was "a version of white feminism modified just enough to include trans women." & that's exactly what so much "transfeminism" right now looks and acts exactly like!!!!!!!!!! its what we have literally been saying

& then the fact that Emi reflected on how much of that was born out of her own lack of self-confidence in feminist spaces, dominated by cis white women, and her fear that anything too transgressive would be seen as opening the doors of feminism to MRAs and she would be blamed for cheapening the work.

earlier in this essay she talked about her experience with a Women's Studies course that unfortunately very much mirrors my own

It was during my second year of college I was first introduced to the writings of Audre in a Women’s Studies course. Throughout the academic term, students read several articles each week, discussed them in the class, and wrote journal entries that reflect on the week’s readings. Week after week, most of the assigned materials were those written by white, middle-class, straight (or sometimes “political lesbian”) women, and I was having difficulty relating to much of what was being discussed. I kept writing in my journal how I didn’t relate to the reading, but I did not realize it had anything to do with the selection of the materials. I felt bad about being so “negative” about feminism and feminists.

& i think that for a lot of trans people, particularly trans men&mascs and nonbinary people, this is a very common experience. being unable to relate to feminist courses and discussions which never engage with any of your experiences, and then feeling bad and/or being made to feel bad for being so "negative" about feminism.

It's like when that white woman got killed by ICE and suddenly everyone started caring and losing their shit, even tho it's been happening to black and brown folks for years.

May 24th: Murray Foust found dead in Kentucky, missing since April 27th.

May 18th: Eryka Caldwell murdered in Brooklyn.

May 10th: Juniper Blessing murdered at University of Washington.

May 6th: White House releases "counterterrorism strategy", including "transgender ideology" as a domestic threat.

Marlow Trottie was killed on June 8th 2026. She was found dead, alone, in the streets of Alexandria, Louisiana. It was a homicide.

Marlow Trottie was a woman. Her family has contested this, and publicly misgendered her, and many news sites have already deadnamed and misgendered her as well. I fear what her obituary will say. I fear what her gravestone will say even more.

Her name was Juniper Blessing, and she was just doing her laundry.

And you'll be like, "That sounds bad." And she'll be like, "No no. It's totally not that bad. It's just a meme. Men say it too. Like if a man does something silly he'll be like, 'I am like those women who do not deserve to vote.'" And you'll be like, "Does that make it better?" And she'll be like, "Well there was one guy who tried to make 'Men shouldn't vote' a popular meme. But it never caught on and also he got yelled at a lot."