#transmaculine

When I was transiting the non binary label, to me, was pretty difficult to generate art that represents me in a consistent way. Due to that, I create Deeerita. She was a alien deer (or deerlien) and I was okay with that.

I loooved draw her so much. It was like a path of expression, even if she leads into the same hyper femenine vortex that I was trying to avoid or at least trying to assimilate.

After that, I never draw a self portrait of me that never passed as an animal. It was awkward to me drawing my own body or how I expected to look. When I had all my crisis, I decided to change Deeerita so they can represent myself better

Now, Deeerita is Dereck.This is the after and the before.

Dereck / Deeerita

But leaving behind my fursona, Is the first time in years (I think) that I draw myself. Not as an animal, or an abstract representation of myself. I am making full self portraits of me, and the most interesting thing is that I LOVE IT. I WANT TO DRAW MYSELF ALL THE TIME

it was something that I never expected, and that I normalize.

I feel fear of buying things to me, or maybe I feel that's a thing that I don't need (reality is, dysphoria is hitting me like a truck and using cute femenine clothes is like driving me crazy) but now I now that I really need it. I dare say I want it.

Is like if suddenly I can live my teenage dream of having a very gender neutral/ masculine clothes without bothering, without a disapproval look of my mom or dad, leaving feminine prints, dresses, jeans... Everything behind . I know is, at some point, stupid but honestly it makes me happy after all.

I also feel awkward about how I dress myself because I look like if my mom pick my clothes. I never feel that I have fashion sense. However, once I bought my own clothes, I feel relieved.