I'm fed up

It's been 8 months, I feel absolutely no progress the way I'm doing things, I can't just give up because I must complete the things i need to do, this year or the following one or the following one.

At the same time i think, when the year is over and I acomplished absolutely nothing, I'll absolutely regret not giving up months before and using these 12 months doing something else.

So when should I give up? When should I stop trying?

I wake up every day waiting for myself to do things right, I have little but an existent hope every day thinking I might make some progress

I get a boost of energy and think I can conquer the world, I promise those around me that I'll be better, that I'll try my best to do everything I stopped doing, I promised I would leave the house more often, I promised I would make it to class at least once a week.

Then I fall again and I realize I'm never going to be able to do that, why did I have to get their hopes up, why did I have to fail them and myself again, I feel like a traitor, like a fake friend, like those people I always judged, those who say they'll do something and never actually do it.

I said so many times, if I say I'll do something, I'll do it, and I always did; but I can't force myself anymore.

I fell for it again, I thought the world had space for me, I thought I could be enough for someone, and then again I entered social media, I saw too much, too many girls being naturally perfect, everything he could ever want and he deserves nothing less.

So he just gave up on me, decided no to share stuff with me anymore, I can't lie i feel sad because I really want him in my life and It's terrible to be seen as someone who you coulnd't trust anymore, I'll try my best not to have weird moments with him, I really want to be able to hold normal conversations again, I miss the version of him that wanted to do things with me, I wonder what went through his mind in order to just decide to keep me away.

I finally stopped worrying about this guy's feelings or replies, It feels indescribable good, I don't remember feeling so good in over 5 months, I let go SO much weight, I feel at peace! I hope everybody is able to reach this stage even if it's for some days, there really is a place of calmness in you.

So he's been messaging me being really cold these days or not even answering all messages, now I woke up with 5 deleted texts he sent me early in the morning; I can tell he's struggling but I can't just wait for him to decide to talk to me and face what he's feeling, I'd be crying all over the place when I have a life and little things to do too.

I had a boost of energy yesterday, after six entire months struggling with so many bad feelings, I raised my head, accepted where I am, thought of the good people in my life, messaged back the people I stopped messaging because of how bad i felt and it turned out amazing.

I used to be really careless about this guy answering or not my messages, now I find myself feeling like I must send him a message just to keep the conversation going, it´s not really working because I can't find anything to tell him or show him.

So now our conversations are so short and cold, I don't feel any connection with him, it sucks because days ago when I still didn't mind not having continuous conversations, I felt like the chemistry was still there, now it's really hard to keep up with having to talk every day.

So yesterday the guy I like and I had a crisis moment, he pretty much told me he was so tired of me and the fact that I always deny to do everything he wants me to do, but after it he started acting so weird.

We used to have normal conversations in which his answers were always short enough, let´s say he would laugh "haha" and reply to stuff like "awesome, nice, that´s good"

After what happened yesterday he started ignoring my messages but then replying with longer words like "hellooooo, niceeeee, congratsssss, haha thats goooood" -I´m?