Batturtle

But then really weird things start to happen. Like suddenly, Batman starts making little quips that toe the line between sarcasm and puns. He begins to humor the stupid ideas that other heroes come up with purely for comedic purposes. He even admits things like "Jesus, I'm getting so old, if I hurt my back much more, spin class is going to be an issue."

After a relatively tough fight the JL are tired. Captain however seemed to be the opposite, he's still his usual happy go lucky self cheering up the rest of the League. And it's all going fine and all and they enter the space ship. Everybody's in the control room sighing, and talking. The team's spirit seemed to be lifted up until... Marvel pulls out a pack of cigarettes. But he doesn't seem to be the guy who smokes so casually.

Flash: Woah dude you smoke? Isn't that bad for you? If you even have lungs but dude, I don't judge.

Flash doing a little shrug as Captain lights up the cigarette with electricity.

Captain Marvel: Oh, yeah I do. My doctor prescribed me it, I need to take it hourly.

Flash, along with the other audible confusion of the JL: ..What do you mean your doctor prescribed you it...?

Captain Marvel with a confused glance puffing out smoke:.. Yeah? I don't understand what's wrong with it, the doctor said the smokes gonna cleanse my body or something. People always take a cigar, Mary and Jr have been prescribed it once too?

Flash now with a deadpanned but also a confused expression: What.

Superman: Marvel.. I don't think that's a licensed doctor your seeing.

Captain Marvel tipping the ash onto a coke bottle cap: What? Of course my doctor is. Look Mr. Superman I would think to know to trust a professionals words.

Superman: No, cap. Smokings like really bad, it has nicotine in it and it can cause lung cancer.

Captain Marvel holding the cigarette between his fingers: Oh, you believe in those theories? They've been going around a while now.

Green Lantern: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEORIES??? THIS IS BASIC KNOWLEDGE????

Captain Marvel now with a chuckle to his speech: Yeah right, nice joke. You should really consider becoming a come-

Flash: DONT STEER THE CONVERSATION?? AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN JR AND MARY HAS BEEN PRESCRIBED THE SAME THING.

Tim: guys, Batman is pissing me off tonight. i need revenge ideas, go.

Bruce: i am on this line- i'm literally standing right next to you, Red Robin.

Dick: shut up B, we're brain storming here.

Damian: you could hack the Batmobile's radio to only play that ad jingle that he hates so much.

Bruce: Robin?!

Tim: this is good, this is good,

Dick: just do what Hood used to do and write revenge porn.

Tim: sorry, Hood used to what now?!

Bruce: Oracle, kick Nightwing from this line.

Oracle: not a chance, please elaborate Nightwing.

Dick, giggling: yeah, he used to- O, get Hood in this call, he loves talking about this it's hysterical.

*ping*

Jason: -tell me where the site is or you'll be jerking off with a fucking prosthetic for the rest of your life, asshole, now- *distant scared whimpers* -TELL ME!

Tim, sweetly: hiya Hood~

Jason: the fu- what- *thump* ...when'd i join this line? why am i here?

Dick: i requested it, i want a Red Hood story-time.

Bruce, firmly: no.

Damian and Tim, simultaneously: yes!

Jason: eh?

Dick: they want to know about the revenge porn you did on B back when you were in Gotham Academy.

Bruce: NO.

Jason: OH- *wheezes*

distant unknown male voice, barely heard through Jason's laughter: c-can i- can i go...?

Jason: *cough* AHA- y-yeah man, fuckin- HA- *wheeze* go for it, i'll track you down later, *cackling*

Dick: this was the story that made me start liking Hood as a little brother, by the way.

Jason: so- *wheeze* so B really pissed me off this one time when i was Robin, i can't even remember why,

Dick: he grounded you for calling Mr Freeze a 'cunt' in front of a group of pre-schoolers you were rescuing.

Jason: OH YEAH-! and part of the grounding was that he forced me to take part in the theatre department bullshit going on down at the school for like, community service, where a bunch of kids in my class were writing an original musical to put on for the end of year show. i was pretty good at english lit, so when my teacher heard i had to join she put me on the writers squad or whatever and pretty much told us to have at it.

Jason: except i was really pissed off at B at the time, so i convinced everybody that the musical should be about Gotham's own Batman, and then i decided to add in Superman and make him Batman's gay love interest.

Damian: oh my god

Dick: *wheezing* it- it was so fucking cool-

Tim: holy- IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE SCHOOL?!

Jason: *cackle* *high pitched* yeah- that's not- that's not even- dude it gets so much worse-

Bruce: it was not funny.

Dick, crying: god it so was...

Jason: AND I MADE THAT SHIT- I MADE IT SO EMOTIONAL, TOO-

Dick: YOU REALLY DID- LIKE IT WAS GOOD, THAT WAS THE THING,

Tim: *laughing*

Damian: please tell me you have a copy of the script, Hood

Jason: annotated and signed, i'll drop it round the cave later

Damian: i love you.

Tim: *laughing harder*

Dick: even better, i still have the fuckin' video,

Tim: THERES A VIDEO?!

Bruce: *disgruntled groan*

Jason: holy shit- dude you still have it?! I LOST MY COPY WHEN I DIED!

Dick: oh Jay, i would not have deleted that video if it saved you from the fucking Joker.

Bruce, scandalised: NIGHTWING.

Jason: NO- NO, AS HE FUCKING SHOULD B, I SENT IT TO HIM TO KEEP SAFE, AS HE FUCKING SHOULD-

Damian: is the video of the whole play?

Dick: well kind of? but littlewing, littlewing's a fucking genius so he- *wheeze*

Jason: i didn't want to act in the actual musical, so they put me on stagehand shit and i ended up in charge of the official school's video production, and i just- *laughter* i just fuckin'- i fuckin filmed B's reaction in the audience for like- *wheeze* the whole fucking play-

Dick: THE BEST PART- best part was B 100% got sucked into the story,

Bruce: I DID NOT.

Jason: YOU CRIED DURING THE ENDING KISS.

Dick: *bursts out laughing*

Tim: SORRY-?!

Damian: Nightwing i want that video.

Dick: *still laughing*

Jason: to this day, best thing i ever did as a child. i don't care about my legacy as Robin, i'm just happy i got to produce such a masterpiece. i should write a sequel-,

Tim: PLEASE,

Bruce: ok that's it,

Tim: B, what are you-

*ping*

Dick: what'd- what-

Oracle: Batman, you can't kick Red Hood from the line.

Jack and Janet *professional hoes*: our son is the most correct and bestest boy to exist. He knows how to network, flirt, and make friends at the same time! We taught him well.

Literally everyone else: Tim, please, you need to stop. You're trending on socials again.

Announcer: -and the teams hit the lockers! We’ll be back in 20.

Tim: Why are we even watching this? We’ve never won

Dick: We’re waiting on Alfred to call us for dinner

Tim: Just change the channel

Steph: Nah, I like watching the celebrity lookalike cams

Dick: I remember those. They have Bruce sometimes, don’t they?

Bruce, appearing at the door: Alfred is calling you all for dinner

Dick and Steph, simultaneously: 5 minutes

Bruce: What are they watching?

Tim: Celebrity lookalike cam

Steph: Hey, its’s Bruce!

Dick, laughing: They try every time, who’re they gonna find that actually looks like-

Dick: