chronic

A lot of internet advice says “don’t do things you don’t want to do” or “you don’t owe anyone anything.” Technically true, but real relationships are more complicated. Sometimes you’re tired but still willing, sometimes you’re excited, and sometimes you’re just… meh.

That’s why I love the Decide 10 system (from Prototype Thinking on Medium). It makes compromise clearer and more balanced. I saw this talked about on Instagram and looked it up.

Here’s how it works when it comes to activities (I used a different method for an emotional need, which I talk about in example 3).

Each person rates from 1–10 how much they want to do something.

You both reveal your numbers.

If the total is 10 or higher, you do it. If it’s lower, you renegotiate, postpone, or skip it.

Example 1: This is often used to decide whether to do a specific activity, but it can also be used to decide between two. You’re deciding between Taco Bell and Burger King for dinner.

Your partner rates Taco Bell 4. Burger King 8.

You rate Taco Bell 7, Burger King 5.

Totals:

Taco Bell = 12

Burger King = 12

Both hit the 10 threshold, so either works but you can see Burger King matters more to them than Taco Bell matters to you. So maybe a compromise is you go to Burger King that night and Taco Bell another.

Example 2: Compromise in Action

Let’s say someone rates something a 9 and you’re only a 3. The math adds up to 12, but beyond the numbers, it shows this thing is really important to them. In a close relationship, you might decide to stretch for them. Not because you owe it, but because you care. And often, they’ll stretch for you too.

The opposite can be true as well. Maybe you say something is a 1, but they rate it an 8. Seeing your low number might help them realize, “This isn’t worth draining you for. I can let it go this time.” That’s care, too.

Example 3: An Emotional Need

Today I was feeling sad. I told my friend I was a 6 on the “sad scale” and asked what her capacity was for calling. I clarified it wasn’t emergent. I was just sad.

She told me she was at about a 4 on capacity. She was tired and normally wouldn’t call tonight, but since I was at a 6, she wanted to support me. We agreed she’d call in two hours when she had privacy. She added that if I’d said it was emergent, she would have called right away, privacy or not.

That was me applying the concept in a different way. It was honesty about where we’re both at, balanced with flexibility.

The original Decide 10 article talks about adding numbers together for activities. With emotional needs, it worked a bit differently for me. My “6” was about how much support I needed, while my friend’s "4" was about her capacity to give support. Instead of adding the numbers, we compared them and found a compromise. She couldn’t call immediately, but she could call in two hours.

That’s the point of the scale. It is not rigid math, it’s a framework for honest communication.

Why this helps (especially if you have BPD):

No mind-reading. You don’t have to guess how much they care.

Saying “I’m a 3 on this” communicates low capacity without it sounding like rejection.

You can see when one person feels strongly and the other doesn’t. This makes compromise less painful.

It balances give-and-take instead of one person always “winning.”

Important to remember:

Use it for everyday decisions and non-emergency emotional check-ins. Don’t force it in crisis moments.

Numbers can change. A “2” today might be a “7” tomorrow.

The point isn’t the math. It's the honesty and balance it creates.

Some nights even filling up the kettle and setting an empty mug out for my morning tea felt hard. But I was always thankful for it in the morning.

Other nights, one thing would lead to another, and I’d wake up in a clean house with everything ready to go.

And, on a rare few nights, the one thing that I could do to make my morning easier was going straight to bed and allowing myself to rest.