Today's the 4th "anniversary" of when that car accident happened. Exactly 4 years ago my life changed forever in a way I never thought would happen. We weren't even hurt physically, but that's probably worse. I don't think I'll ever be able to explain just how it destroyed me from the inside out and how my life went off the rails in the span of 2 months. It is directly the cause of most of my depression in the past years and the reason I'm still in the trenches.
God, I still hold the 2 pictures I took of our car as it stood on the side of that road completely smashed. I still remember standing there covered in powder from the fire extinguisher that blew up, shaking and blank mentally, taking out my phone and zooming in on our car as it was examined by police. I always make sure those pictures remain somewhere, if I could I would print them and keep them in a drawer to look at. There's something morbidly comforting about them.
Anyway, I'm not doing anything extra today, I'm just trying to not remember it and comfort the alters that are affected. I recovered but some of us still haven't.
Full thing under the cut it's quite emotional so don't read if you don't wanna get sad lol
In 2022 on July 3rd me, my sister and mom got into a car accident. It wasn't physically horrible, we got away with a scare and my sore neck. Basically on a crossroads a big car in front of us stopped abruptly and we slammed into it from behind and then a car behind us slammed into us because they couldn't stop in time too. We were sandwiched between two very big cars. Our car folded in on itself, thanks to that we were unharmed. I was on the right backseat where the blow from behind was the worst and on top of that our fire extinguisher in the trunk Fucking EXPLODED. I still laugh about that one because the 2 pool floats in there were completely fine. My mom and sister were fine but I got yanked so badly my neck was incredibly sore for almost 2 weeks, but otherwise we were just terrified.
I could go on and on about how funny the rest of that day was because it genuinely still feels unbelievable whenever I think of what happened after the accident. It's hella funny when I think about it. But I don't wanna write all of that.
But as if a car accident wasn't bad enough, everything went downhill almost immediately after it. I had to go on vacation to lake Baikal with my extended family for almost 3 weeks, and right after that went on a cruise for another week. That vacation started on July 22nd, not even 2 weeks after the accident. I wasn't there for whatever happened between my step dad and mom, but I know it was horrific. My stepdad wasn't as good as he positioned himself to be, he pushed us out of the house we lived in that he built, he didn't want to take care of the family anymore (my sister was 4), he abused my mom horribly. This piece of shit robbed us of our life over a car accident we didn't cause. Then basically right before the cruise I was going to go on my aunt spilled the beans to me that we'll be moving to another town and I'll go to another school. And I spent the whole week stewing in that realization. When I came back from that whole vacation, I came back into a completely new flat in a new town. I sat on the couch and cried my eyes out for an hour as my mom and grandpa comforted me about everything.
The worst part isn't even the fact that 16 days after the accident it was my birthday, the worst part is that after it I had to leave my whole life behind. I had to leave my best friends, my favorite school in the world, my beloved language learning school, my favourite region; I had to leave everything. Everything I had was just gone. I had to start over. And I was just 14 years old, already mentally ill and struggling. I still remember how fragile I was that summer. Let me tell you because of that accident I lost my life. For me, life stopped. And no amount of "this town is better" "it will be better for us here" "quality of life is higher in this town" "you'll go to a good school" could convince me to be okay with it. It still doesn't, I still think it shouldn't have happened the way it did and I'm still hurt by it. I never recovered from that shift in my life.
I don't know how to end my speech whenever I talk about this. But it helps to retell it once in a while.
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Man February is just…a lot. My worst month probably. My mom’s birthday, e’s birth and death, Candlemas, the Super Bowl weekend, then my dad’s birthday on the 13th and Valentine’s Day the next day. It’s just all so much trauma stuff. I was feeling pretty off most of the day yesterday and then when I asked inside about it, we ended up getting painful CSA body memories and flashbacks of dad “celebrating” his birthday with us. Ugh. Fuck.
And then this morning shortly after we woke up, some doll parts began having flashbacks of Valentine’s Day “sex parties”…felt similar to the Super Bowl party flashbacks we’ve had? Different costumes though. And different vibes. But similar structure. I dunno. And in this one, at one point we had a flashback of having a seizure(???)…or at least we were convulsing. It was scary and awful.
I will say though…the release of the Epstein files has made it a lot easier to believe myself lately. Like cold hard proof that this kind of shit happened. Happens. Still happens. It makes me feel a lot less crazy but I also feel angry that so many people are like sHoCkEd and cAn’T BeLiEvE this stuff is happening to kids and I’m just like…survivors have been saying this for ages. It kind of makes me feel like even more of an outsider, an alien…but at the same time I feel a bit vindicated? I dunno.
Anyway I hope I can get out of this trauma-y brain space and just enjoy the plans we have today. And I also really hope on call chills out a bit because it’s been messy yesterday and this morning.
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I am awake before my alarms, grieving. I’m going to grieve out loud here because it’s the only place they may see it.
Ten years ago this fall, I got into a relationship that isolated me completely. He manipulated me into thinking he was the only one who really cared, and as a result I ghosted my best friends.
I awoke from a dream, crying. Ten years later I miss them so much it hurts. I regret the summer and the fall, I regret taking such frequent drives over the mountain range. I regret never going to Libby’s apartment and I regret leaving without saying goodbye.
Amy and Emily are on social media, at least sometimes. Libby, Keyla, and Rhayn, I’m sorry. I’m ten years older and ten years wiser. I’m sure we’re all brand new people, former selves only recognizable in flashes.
I’m covered in tattoos and I’m no longer rail thin. My hair has grown back and I don’t watch anime anymore. I’m healthier mentally (for the most part) and in love with someone who would never dream of forcing severed ties.
I'm still a few days away from the anniversary of my arrival in California (and everything that followed) last year, but the Leo new moon is a bit earlier this year. It's today. And I just am having a really hard time with that anniversary already. And especially because of what is going on with VP right now, and how familiar that feels, even though it is in most ways not really the same.
I mean, he's very ill, and I just asked him (how he is, and) if he would prefer that I stopped messaging him, so that's pretty fucking close to the same situation.
