BY OUR MALICE COMBINED

This past month, Parks & Rec has been doing a lot of work on the field adjacent to my school. They have trucks with flatbeds, mowing/tree-cutting/postholing machinery, etc. And when they arrived, I (campus monitor) was told I would need to herd the kids away from the trucks/machinery and basically prevent them from creating a dangerous situation.

So when recess came around and the kids stampeded out the door I held them up and I said (being funny but at the same time serious, you know how it is, kids listen better if you're funny)

"Okay, I know that you're all smart AND mature, right? And talented and good looking? Definitely the smartest and most talented class in this school? (I say this to every class, they're all 'my favorites'.) And because you're SO intelligent and mature, I don't need to actually TELL you that these guys have vehicles and machinery that you need to stay clear of, right? Because I know you figured that out already, and I also know that YOU know how sad I would be if any of you were run over, or squashed, or had a pole fall on you. I would be SO SAD, like, I would probably have to lie down on the floor and cry. So you're not going to make me cry, right? I can trust you to stay away from the trucks and machines no matter where they are on the field? Because you're wonderful and amazing? My favorites? My inspiration?"

And they're laughing at me of course, because I'm being so dramatic. Some of them are "Yes, and-"ing my dramatics and inventing more involved mourning processes I should undertake if any of them get run over. Some of them are yelling at me that they are NOT mature yet and they are VERY STUPID and I should know this.

It's been three weeks. We had one conversation about it. None of them have gone anywhere near the trucks. This is actually in excess of the typical elementary-schooler's working memory and I'm very proud of them. I haven't had to blow the whistle at ONE person for getting too close even when the trucks were literally 40 feet from the actual playground.

Everyone out there has a way to justify the bad parts of their job to themselves. For me, I just tell myself that I'm protecting them from the oil and gas industry. Imagine if you invented a magical carburetor that got a million miles per gallon off of just water. BP would have you killed in an instant. Would you rather save the world, or be allowed to continue living? Thanks to my timely denial of your loan, you'll never have to grapple with that dilemma.

Of course, there's no way to prove the oil and gas industry has been making a handsome side hustle out of discrediting and discreetly murdering its opponents. That's why it's a conspiracy theory, and not a conspiracy law. Still, my job is to manage risk, and I take great pride in that. Nobody has ever told me explicitly that it's the bank's risk, but honestly it wouldn't be good for my performance review to give you a quarter million bucks and then have to get it back from your grieving widow a week later. Everybody wins in this scenario.

Adams third child, Seth: What is that?

Seth:

texas tech's quartback, brendan sorsby, was investigated for sports gambling. i know sports betting is all the rage right now, but athletes themselves are not allowed to do it. it is Rule Number 1 and it is the highest priority rule for the National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA), who governs all athletic programs at about 1,100 colleges in the US.

the invesitagetion of sorsby revealed that, not only did he place more than 9,000 sports bets when he himself was a collegiate athlete, but 40 of those bets were AGAINST HIS OWN TEAM when he was playing at indiana university. immediately, this threatens the integrity of the sport, and especially because indiana is the hottest team right now as the defending national champion.

the NCAA, which is largely a sham organization these days (they've truly lost their grasp and college athletics are the wild west now) actually enforced their Number 1 Rule and told sorsby his career is over, that he would never play college football again (and, subsequently, that he would never get drafted into the NFL because his college career was cut short).

well, because the NCAA is a husk of its former self, sorsby and texad tech immediately took this to court. MANY athletes have learned these past few seasons that if you can find a judge who's a fan of your team, you can get any NCAA ruling overturned. that's exactly what texas tech did. they filed a suit in Lubbock, where the university is located and where every judge is an alum of texas tech. so sorsby was granted an injunction and will now only be suspended for the first 2 games od the 2026 season (which are alwayd against no-name teams that will be destroyed regardless of who's suspended).

every other school in the country immediately went on the defensive because this is a very clear integretiy issue. so nebraska and georgia (sic em dawgs) released statements saying that all currently-scheduled competitions witb Texas Tech in ANY sport will be canceled and there will be no future schedulings. at least 3 of the major conferences (SEC, Big 10, Big 12) , who account for almost all division 1 sports teams in the country, are also in discussions about cancelling comtests. Texas Tech is part of the Big 12, and there is serious talk of all other teams in the conference shutting texas tech out.

now would probably be time where i say that texas tech is one of the wealthiest programs in college football becaise there is a single billionaire alumnus pouring money into the program with hopes of essentially buying a championship. so texas techs integrity has always been questionable. anyway, the university president put oit a statement that he doesnt care that sorseby violated regulation and that texas tech will sue any school that refuses to play them because it jeopardizes their championship prospects if they're umable to play any games.

If you aren't allergic, house centipede venom is about on par with something like a yellow jacket or garden spider, somewhat painful but zero medical significance. You'll get swelling and that's about it.

But! That's if their stingers can even get through your skin. Very few house centipedes' stingers develop the size and sharpness to get through your skin - if one even wants get close enough to sting. The average human is basically Godzilla to a house centipede, they don't see us as something they can survive, so they would much rather run away or try to be hidden. But they also have kinda dogshit eyesight so we probably look like part of the landscape until we move.

And of course the old addage - venom is expensive. They don't want to waste the calorie cost of making venom on stinging something where the sting won't help survival and won't feed them. They're startling when they appear but they are well and truly harmless. Or if you live in a city and have pest insects, pretty beneficial.

You see them in the shower and bathroom so much because damp environments help them breathe. They have open spiracles to take in air, just holes along the surface of their bodies (you can see them in close ups sometimes). They're a very primitive design by most standards, and if they're somewhere too dry, they can't get air, and might even just dry up and die. Since your bathroom is the wettest, most humid place in the house, if you have them around that's where they'll go to relax and recharge before another night of hunting down every last cockroach in your apartment.