BY OUR MALICE COMBINED

Are... are your organs covered in blood??? Since blood tends to flow thru the blood vessels, and if your body is healthy and all your blood vessels are imtact then your organs shouldn't be covered in blood, right? But just saying that feels wrong.

This past month, Parks & Rec has been doing a lot of work on the field adjacent to my school. They have trucks with flatbeds, mowing/tree-cutting/postholing machinery, etc. And when they arrived, I (campus monitor) was told I would need to herd the kids away from the trucks/machinery and basically prevent them from creating a dangerous situation.

So when recess came around and the kids stampeded out the door I held them up and I said (being funny but at the same time serious, you know how it is, kids listen better if you're funny)

"Okay, I know that you're all smart AND mature, right? And talented and good looking? Definitely the smartest and most talented class in this school? (I say this to every class, they're all 'my favorites'.) And because you're SO intelligent and mature, I don't need to actually TELL you that these guys have vehicles and machinery that you need to stay clear of, right? Because I know you figured that out already, and I also know that YOU know how sad I would be if any of you were run over, or squashed, or had a pole fall on you. I would be SO SAD, like, I would probably have to lie down on the floor and cry. So you're not going to make me cry, right? I can trust you to stay away from the trucks and machines no matter where they are on the field? Because you're wonderful and amazing? My favorites? My inspiration?"

And they're laughing at me of course, because I'm being so dramatic. Some of them are "Yes, and-"ing my dramatics and inventing more involved mourning processes I should undertake if any of them get run over. Some of them are yelling at me that they are NOT mature yet and they are VERY STUPID and I should know this.

It's been three weeks. We had one conversation about it. None of them have gone anywhere near the trucks. This is actually in excess of the typical elementary-schooler's working memory and I'm very proud of them. I haven't had to blow the whistle at ONE person for getting too close even when the trucks were literally 40 feet from the actual playground.

Everyone out there has a way to justify the bad parts of their job to themselves. For me, I just tell myself that I'm protecting them from the oil and gas industry. Imagine if you invented a magical carburetor that got a million miles per gallon off of just water. BP would have you killed in an instant. Would you rather save the world, or be allowed to continue living? Thanks to my timely denial of your loan, you'll never have to grapple with that dilemma.

Of course, there's no way to prove the oil and gas industry has been making a handsome side hustle out of discrediting and discreetly murdering its opponents. That's why it's a conspiracy theory, and not a conspiracy law. Still, my job is to manage risk, and I take great pride in that. Nobody has ever told me explicitly that it's the bank's risk, but honestly it wouldn't be good for my performance review to give you a quarter million bucks and then have to get it back from your grieving widow a week later. Everybody wins in this scenario.

Adams third child, Seth: What is that?

Seth: