Tess

He and Ilya have retired and they decide that before they jump into the next thing, they're going to take a bit of a sabbatical – do some traveling, settle at the cottage, maybe look at some family planning stuff. As part of this, they've been looking for weird little quiet places to go on dates, and one of the places they try (after a pretty boozy dinner) is this bar that they don't realise until they're there is actually a comedy club. And it's an open mic night.

Ilya is immediately like "My Shane, you're funny, you should go tell some jokes." And Shane at first refuses, but then Ilya promises to reward him by blowing him in the bathroom right after if he does it, and Shane's had juuust enough alcohol to be like fuck it. So he signs up.

When his turn comes, he's so nervous he feels like he might throw up. But then he spots someone with a camera and between that and the lights, it starts to feel just like a press conference. He's used to trying to get a room full of journalists to laugh when he says something quippy and he realises this isn't that different. He could actually do this.

And he does.

He does his five minutes and he absolutely kills. His dry delivery and a cutting wit go down so well with the crowd that afterwards the owner of the club approaches him to ask if he'd like to do a fifteen minute set sometime. And Shane actually really wants to, but he's already promised Ilya that they'd take this year to rest and plan. He's about to tell the guy no thanks, when Ilya interjects. "He would love to, thank you." And then Shane and the owner only have just enough time to exchange numbers before Ilya's dragging him off to the bathrooms.

and now i’m thinking about how he loves to be romantic and chivalrous to ilya— like when they get to the cottage and shane carries ilya’s bag in. he’s a great Boyfriend(husband.) he holds the door for ilya every chance he gets, and ilya (not so) secretly Looooooves it. when they’re at the bar with their team, shane will ask ilya if he wants a drink and go get it for him, hands it off to ilya with a little here you go, baby and then sits at a stool at the bar and ilya leans back between shane’s legs. at team cookouts, shane will tug on ilya’s arm as he’s talking to people until he’s sitting in his lap and ilya will go willingly without even pausing his conversation. shane will grin and wrap his arms around ilya’s stomach, kiss his shoulder. when they’re out to dinner and the bill comes shane will put his card down and ilya will make it a big thing, like oh thank you shane you’re sooo sweet and shane will be like ah it’s no trouble baby (they have a shared bank account.) he loves taking care of his baby!!!!!!! there’s been a rare time or two where shane and ilya are at a club and shane will let go and have a few drinks, get wonderfully tipsy and ilya will drag him out to dance. shane will hold ilya’s hips as ilya dances against him.

After a while of talking about how Anya acts the trainer says there’s nothing to worry about, Anya likes Shane just fine, it’s just that she sees him as the boss and is acting accordingly

And Ilya is like. But. I’m the one who adopted her? And raised her before Shane got here?? And the trainer is just like yeah well she sees you more like an equal. And Ilya is like WAIT she thinks Shane is in charge of both of us?? And the trainer is just like well do you interact in a way that would make her think that?

Ilya’s life flashes before his eyes as he thinks of all the times Shane has come over with a snack for Ilya and a treat for Anya, or all the times Shane has announced they’re all going for an after dinner walk, or pets Ilya’s hair and tells him he did a good job at practice, or the fact that he uses the same warning tone with Anya when she misbehaves as he does with Ilya when he’s causing problems on purpose

But he doesn't know who Bad Bunny is, and Bad Bunny doesn't know who Shane is... So they're both just making small talk with this hot guy they met at the bar while they wait for their drinks. They're enjoying talking to someone who doesn't know their celebrity status. And Shane is getting a little flustered despite being married, because damn if this guy isn't his type, and Bad Bunny is lowkey flirting with him.

And then Ilya shows up and has a heart attack. Alternating between fanboying over Bad Bunny and wanting to fight him. Just standing there frozen with this bonkers expression on his face.

But also I think he should combine it with Shane’s need to know things. Because Ilya just gets A Vibe and isn’t always sure why.

“Our rookie seems to be very interested in picking mushrooms out of food.” Dropped in the muddle of a day off when Shane has a shoot scheduled.

“His sister’s allergic.” First thing Shane says when he returns from his shoot. “Probably runs in the family, or just super cautious” said to Shane as he climbs into Ilya’s lap and slots himself into Ilya’s arms.

shane's on a red carpet for some event or whatever and ilya whispers something in his ear and walks away. unbeknownst to either of them, the microphone catches just the faintest whisper of "—uffed to the headboard—" (or something else of equally freaked up nature) and shane, completely poker faced, just turns back to the slack-jawed interviewer with his usual media trained answer to whatever question he'd just been asked.

like they made a really dumb bet while competing and ilya really didn't think he'd lose and honestly shane also didn't think he'd win lowkey but like, hey, a bet's a bet, alright? so now they're trying to be so serious but they can't stop laughing at each other and chirping. shane follows ilya into the shower and gives wayyy too many douching instructions and ilya is like hollander i know you are internationally ranked gay bottom but i can clean my own asshole and shane is like well first of all i'm not internationally ranked and ilya goes no? but what about our honeymoon, and all those times in america, they do not count as international? and shane says okay maybe shut the fuck up. i have the experience here okay, just do what i'm telling you! and ilya says yes bottom coach, right away bottom coach, and they have to slightly delay the fucking process again because it caught shane off guard enough that he almost slipped a little bit because he was laughing too hard and lost his balance.

and finally they GET out of the fucking shower and ilya is laying on the bed on top of his towel and shane is like well? are you not going to make this easy on me? because his legs are crossed over at the ankle and ilya gasps dramatically, hand to his chest. i cannot believe this, shane. you think i'm easy? i should be spreading my legs for you whenever i see you? and shane who absolutely does kind of do that is like okay you asshole i am going to make you regret that so once again they just end up wrestling on the bed (sturdy enough to take this kind of roughhousing, because their first one hadn't survived it) and shane is kind of humping his dick at ilya's hip from where he's ended up pinned under him and then when ilya arches an eyebrow at him he's all OKAY YES i GOT IT and rolls over to grab the lube. ilya takes advantage to grope his ass and shane is half arching his back before he ends up swatting his side because the bet, come on. and shane is finally fingering ilya but ilya is kind of backseat driving the topping and shane is like. ilya do you want me to fuck you or not because i swear to GOD and ilya goes okay, okay, don't blame me! i am the top expert, yes? i have the fucking experience, i can be your dick coach here! and they're both trying not to laugh again at fucking dick coach and shane has notched the tip of his dick in and only sunk in a little when the though hits him and he goes, out loud, ilya goddamnit i'm going to be thinking of this when we see coach wiebe tomorrow! and ilya laughs so fucking hard that shane slaps at his side again, ilya don't laugh! i just got you to loosen up for me! and ilya says oh i'm sorry is my tight ass too much for you to handle? and shane comes too soon but he ends up blowing ilya and rimming him after because after ilya's come he tries to pull away and ilya slings a leg over him and says where do you think you're going, hmm? clean up your mess.

Shane on his knees. Shane on his hands and knees. Shane and him fucking in front a fireplace with Shane riding him slowly while they’re sat up chest to chest, real romantic shit. Shane’s mouth open and plush. Shane begging for it. Shane crying for it. Shane saying his name. Shane saying goodbye. Shane saying hi. Shane’s eyes and his neck and his baby rabbit soft ears and his strong forearms. The bend of his elbow. Taking Shane to some stupid resort in the Bahamas or something where they would just lie in a private cabin in the middle of the ocean and hold hands and sunbathe and have cocktails appear in their hands. Where Shane would let him have him on every surface. He thought about Shane’s eyes and his eyebrows and the space between his eyebrows that would crinkle when Ilya said something to rouse him on purpose. The way Shane said what. The way he said what do you mean. All earnest like all honest and vulnerable. The way Shane could look at him in a way that made Ilya feel like he was being pierced through the skin. He wanted to lie awake and watch Shane sleep and whisper just loudly enough that it was heard by the world. I would die for you I would die for you I would I would. Shane holding a baby. Shane’s trim waist roped with muscle, Ilya’s big hand wrapped around it. Mine, mine, mine. Shane’s shoulders and back, rippling through water. Shane drinking a glass of water. Shane drinking a glass of beer. Shane wearing blue jeans and a white t-shirt. Shane’s pinched brow. Making out with Shane open mouthed. Fucking Shane up against a wall. In fact, every surface became a place he could fuck Shane. Every song became about Shane. Every conversation thread had by other people something he could spin into Shane.

It got so bad he simply had to talk to someone about it. Luckily Marley had just met some new chick of the month as well and it was easy to transpose Shane onto some nebulous type girl. They weren’t super sharey in general so he kind of got away with being unspecific, never saying a name. Just any excuse to talk about him. They traded lovesick comments between them like tween girls and sexual fantasies like perverse men. He never said the truly damning shit out loud though. It was just a pressure release. A way to keep from exploding, saying the wrong thing at the wrong time to the wrong person.

Ilya imagined taking Shane into his arms rough and ready in the doorway and saying I missed you. Did you miss me? And Shane admitting I missed you and Ilya would get to smirk into Shane’s smiling mouth and Shane would be overcome with it and kiss him like he was air. Shane in shorts. Shane in briefs. Shane in a jock. Shane completely naked in his bed. Waking up to find Shane naked in his bed. Returning from a shower to find Shane naked in his bed. Returning from practice to find Shane naked in his bed. All dark hair and sweet eyes, sheets tangled around his limbs and hands grabbing at nothing, grabbing for Ilya. Shane and him touching chest to chest with nothing in between. Shane holding him under the covers. Shane complaining that the carrots are overcooked. Or the glass isn’t clean enough. Or the fabrics not organic.

Everytime he stopped at a red light while driving he imagined Shane sliding into the passenger seat, smiling and saying “Hi” shyly before throwing himself over Ilya, Shane’s lips all over his face and neck, hands running like water, and Ilya would chuckle and say “Okay easy. Easy now” which was ridiculous because it was Ilya’s fantasy and so he was the one making Shane act like this. And he would say “I missed you, did you miss me?” and Shane would murmur “Well, obviously” and Ilya would feel like a fucking lottery winner for affecting the man who can’t be moved, for making him admit to his being moved. Shane wearing his hat backwards. Shane blushing from the bridge of his nose to his belly button. Shane folded in half gasping and moaning into Ilya’s mouth. Shane across from him at a cafe or a restaurant or in the seat next to him at a bar. He would know exactly what to order for Shane, for Shane to roll his eyes and then say thank you and Ilya would say show me how thankful you are and Shane would roll his eyes and kiss him even though there were people around.

All things absurd and mundane. But if you asked him, even to himself, he would’ve responded he spent minimal amounts of time thinking about Hollander.