Tess

which means the first time shane is riding him and is close to finishing and thus shoves him the FUCK back down when ilya is about to sit up and turn them hits ilya like a fucking FREIGHT TRAIN

Drunk Shane when Ilya is ALSO drunk is the BEST. His boyfriend is sooooo funny and soooo fast and strong and smart and brave and they're going on an adventure!!! Ilya doesn't know where but his legs are wrapped around Shane's waist and Shane's arms are wrapped around his legs and the back of Shane's neck smells so good and they're GOING!!!! They're going and going and going because Shane can run forever he's the best hockey player in the whole world and he's Ilya's BOYFRIEND and they're gonna live forever and the stars are out and his mama is watching them and Ilya doesn't even know he's smiling until his cheeks start hurting from it.

But I’d love a fic where one or both of Shane’s parents drop by the cottage for phone charger/laundry pod reasons and find Shane snuggled on the couch fast asleep on Ilya’s chest and that’s how they find out

They’re dressed in soft casual clothes, sleeping like the dead and wrapped around each other like vines and Ilya’s hand is in Shane’s hair and Shane looks so so comfortable and relaxed

He and Ilya have retired and they decide that before they jump into the next thing, they're going to take a bit of a sabbatical – do some traveling, settle at the cottage, maybe look at some family planning stuff. As part of this, they've been looking for weird little quiet places to go on dates, and one of the places they try (after a pretty boozy dinner) is this bar that they don't realise until they're there is actually a comedy club. And it's an open mic night.

Ilya is immediately like "My Shane, you're funny, you should go tell some jokes." And Shane at first refuses, but then Ilya promises to reward him by blowing him in the bathroom right after if he does it, and Shane's had juuust enough alcohol to be like fuck it. So he signs up.

When his turn comes, he's so nervous he feels like he might throw up. But then he spots someone with a camera and between that and the lights, it starts to feel just like a press conference. He's used to trying to get a room full of journalists to laugh when he says something quippy and he realises this isn't that different. He could actually do this.

And he does.

He does his five minutes and he absolutely kills. His dry delivery and a cutting wit go down so well with the crowd that afterwards the owner of the club approaches him to ask if he'd like to do a fifteen minute set sometime. And Shane actually really wants to, but he's already promised Ilya that they'd take this year to rest and plan. He's about to tell the guy no thanks, when Ilya interjects. "He would love to, thank you." And then Shane and the owner only have just enough time to exchange numbers before Ilya's dragging him off to the bathrooms.

and now i’m thinking about how he loves to be romantic and chivalrous to ilya— like when they get to the cottage and shane carries ilya’s bag in. he’s a great Boyfriend(husband.) he holds the door for ilya every chance he gets, and ilya (not so) secretly Looooooves it. when they’re at the bar with their team, shane will ask ilya if he wants a drink and go get it for him, hands it off to ilya with a little here you go, baby and then sits at a stool at the bar and ilya leans back between shane’s legs. at team cookouts, shane will tug on ilya’s arm as he’s talking to people until he’s sitting in his lap and ilya will go willingly without even pausing his conversation. shane will grin and wrap his arms around ilya’s stomach, kiss his shoulder. when they’re out to dinner and the bill comes shane will put his card down and ilya will make it a big thing, like oh thank you shane you’re sooo sweet and shane will be like ah it’s no trouble baby (they have a shared bank account.) he loves taking care of his baby!!!!!!! there’s been a rare time or two where shane and ilya are at a club and shane will let go and have a few drinks, get wonderfully tipsy and ilya will drag him out to dance. shane will hold ilya’s hips as ilya dances against him.

After a while of talking about how Anya acts the trainer says there’s nothing to worry about, Anya likes Shane just fine, it’s just that she sees him as the boss and is acting accordingly

And Ilya is like. But. I’m the one who adopted her? And raised her before Shane got here?? And the trainer is just like yeah well she sees you more like an equal. And Ilya is like WAIT she thinks Shane is in charge of both of us?? And the trainer is just like well do you interact in a way that would make her think that?

Ilya’s life flashes before his eyes as he thinks of all the times Shane has come over with a snack for Ilya and a treat for Anya, or all the times Shane has announced they’re all going for an after dinner walk, or pets Ilya’s hair and tells him he did a good job at practice, or the fact that he uses the same warning tone with Anya when she misbehaves as he does with Ilya when he’s causing problems on purpose

But he doesn't know who Bad Bunny is, and Bad Bunny doesn't know who Shane is... So they're both just making small talk with this hot guy they met at the bar while they wait for their drinks. They're enjoying talking to someone who doesn't know their celebrity status. And Shane is getting a little flustered despite being married, because damn if this guy isn't his type, and Bad Bunny is lowkey flirting with him.

And then Ilya shows up and has a heart attack. Alternating between fanboying over Bad Bunny and wanting to fight him. Just standing there frozen with this bonkers expression on his face.

But also I think he should combine it with Shane’s need to know things. Because Ilya just gets A Vibe and isn’t always sure why.

“Our rookie seems to be very interested in picking mushrooms out of food.” Dropped in the muddle of a day off when Shane has a shoot scheduled.

“His sister’s allergic.” First thing Shane says when he returns from his shoot. “Probably runs in the family, or just super cautious” said to Shane as he climbs into Ilya’s lap and slots himself into Ilya’s arms.

shane's on a red carpet for some event or whatever and ilya whispers something in his ear and walks away. unbeknownst to either of them, the microphone catches just the faintest whisper of "—uffed to the headboard—" (or something else of equally freaked up nature) and shane, completely poker faced, just turns back to the slack-jawed interviewer with his usual media trained answer to whatever question he'd just been asked.