ινιαηηα ★

Ilya had never felt so stupid in his entire life. 

Standing at Shane’s doorway, bag on his shoulder, anxiety eating away at his lungs, he turned the small, square package over and over in his hand, wondering if it was too late to throw the thing into the nearby trees. However, that felt morally wrong and he worried that Shane would find it later, so he was kind of stuck with this idea now.

Just as the thought of simply running in the opposite direction popped in his brain, Shane opened the door.

“Hey,” he muttered, face completely alight with joy.

“Here,” Ilya grunted, shoving the package in his new boyfriend’s face.

He understood why Shane looked surprised. They’d never given each other gifts before and there wasn’t even any real reason for this one. Ilya had just noticed that in the cottage, Shane was a minimalist to the point of being irritating except for one thing–mugs. He seemed to have quite the collection. Novelty mugs and plain ones; odd-shaped mugs and mugs from locations. It’d endeared Ilya to the point of making him bend Shane over right there in the kitchen, because it was so nice to learn such a fun quirk about the man he was so in love with. Shane Hollander: hockey phenomenon, painfully rigid, collected mugs.

So, when he’d returned to the arena to start the season’s practices and noticed that the fan shop now stocked ‘Ilya Rozanov’ mugs, he’d bought one without thought. But now came the terrifying part–actually giving it to Shane.

So he made sure to make himself very busy taking his shoes off at the door as Shane carefully opened the box, peeling back the protective tissue paper and pulling out the black-and-yellow mug. But the anticipation was killing him so much that the moment he sensed the other man recognize what the object was, he had to say something.

“Is no big deal,” he said, shrugging as his heart raced and he fought not to make eye contact. “I notice you have many. Something you like, you know? And I get discount of course. So I–”

But he was interrupted by Shane’s lips pressed firmly to his, Shane’s arms winding around him and the mug digging into his back as Shane licked into his mouth.

“I love you so fucking much,” Shane murmured when they parted, a grin on his face. “Of course you got me a stupid Rozanov mug, you asshole.”

"How many cups do you have? And how many cups do I have?"

SILENCE

"Yeah that's what I thought. Save your advice for somebody who fucking needs it."

Planking. Everywhere

Making a music video to “Like A Boss” by The Lonely Island in the Raider’s training facility

ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, multiple times, always shirtless. Some of his notable nominations include a Raider’s assistant coach, Gritty, Shane Hollander, and then-sitting Vice President Joe Biden

The cinnamon challenge (fucked up his breathing for days but refused to acknowledge any discomfort bc Russians Do Not Do This)

Ghost pepper challenge (he ended up crying, made Connors delete the video, and threatened all present to secrecy)

Chubby Bunny challenge (Marly won and posted the video himself)

Gallon of milk challenge (Marly threw up and it was decided the video was too gross to post)

Ghost pepper challenge, again (went the same as the first attempt)

Harlem Shake in the Raiders locker room, obviously

Mannequin challenge during a Raiders practice, also obviously

You direct a sports documentary about two of the greatest hockey players in the world. And how they were bitter rivals but eventually became friends and even started a charity together. It’s good, juicy, it gets excellent ratings, and is possibly award winning. The future is bright.

ESPN’s publicists keep talking about how you had unprecedented levels of access to these superstars, and meticulously combed through over a decade of footage of them. The only thing viewers grumble about is that they still don’t know why Ilya Rozanov left Boston for Ottawa. It’s the one mystery of their rivalry that you couldn’t unravel. But overall, the reactions are very positive. A professional triumph for you.

And then only a month later, the whole world (including you) is astonished to find out that these heated rivals have been in a serious and secret romantic relationship for years!!! And you missed the whole thing! One (1) month ago.

The documentary would quickly go from jewel in the crown to albatross around the neck of everybody involved in it. Because you did all this research, you had all this access, and yet you didn’t have a clue. They’re together? They’re getting fucking married? Ilya Rozanov moved to Ottawa because he was more in love with Shane Hollander than he was with being on a cup winning team?

Oh my God, ESPN would be contemplating destroying every copy of the documentary they commissioned, and which had great ratings. Everybody involved in making it has to log into LinkedIn and delete it from their professional history.