fall apart and redefine

(david drops him off at home after picking him and shane up from the rink. ilya wants to spend the night. david tells him to pop in and ask his mom for permission.)

(ilya comes tearing out of the house, screaming and wailing and begging david to help, help, please, do something, something is wrong with mama--)

grigori does not allow ilya to speak to the hollanders at the funeral.

irina is buried in ottawa. the rozanovs move back to russia scarcely a week later.

shane sends ilya letters. he never gets a reply.

ilya waits. shane swore to him he'd write; grigori won't let ilya write the first letter, but surely if he gets a letter from shane, he'll be able to reply.

(shane's letters wilt away, unopened, in the wastebin under grigori's desk. ilya was too young, too naive, still too trusting in his father. he never thought to suspect that grigori lied to him, not until years later.)

he meets svetlana vetrova here, in russia, while drowning under the weight of his grief and the enormity of the upheaval of his entire life. she tells him he skates with messy edges and he laughs for the first time since his mother died.

the landry family move to ottawa when shane and rose are thirteen. rose meets a quiet boy with the weight of the world on his shoulders. his auntie died last year, she discovers, and his best friend left, and his world has been so miserable and grey ever since. even hockey has gotten worse; without ilya, he's undoubtedly the best, but more and more people are growing to resent and even hate him for it.

still, rose sees something of herself in this quiet boy. she decides she likes him. and she's thirteen and alone in a new city and new school, too, so sitting with him at lunch is way nicer than sitting alone.

she's very into theater. he's very bad at reading lines with her (he's so flat!) but she's very endeared that he tries anyway, just because it makes her happy. he comes to her school plays. she goes to his hockey games.

of course shane takes her to prom. they're each other's first kiss. it's maybe not a very good kiss, but hey, they love each other, and that's what you're supposed to do when you're a boy and a girl who love each other, right?

shane meets ilya again at the prospect cup when they're seventeen. ilya doesn't greet him with the warmth he hoped for.

(ilya has spent the last five years being told his childhood in canada made him soft, and he needs to grow up. he needs to become hard and cold and strong. look - shane hollander has been winning competition after competition. he doesn't need or care for you anymore. stop being pathetic. you will be better and you will win and you will bring honor and money to the family and you will remember where your loyalties lie first and foremost. you will not be soft. you will not be lazy. you will not be weak.)

so when they meet again, ilya only calls him hollander.

shane tries very hard not to be devastated by this. he goes home and curls up in his bed and tries very, very hard not to look out the window at the house next door.

(shane is perfect and golden and beautiful, ilya thinks. he is from a world that has no place for me anymore. i am a broken thing with sharp edges. i will only make him bleed. better if i stay away and leave him to his charmed, perfect life.)

but they talk again the night of the draft. yuna and david congratulate ilya, tell him it's wonderful to see him again. they congratulate grigori, too, perhaps with less enthusiasm and warmth. and shane and ilya meet in the gym, and they talk, and...

and maybe there's still something there? maybe they can reconnect?

("rose, i think we need to break up," shane says, so, so guilty, his head bowed. "i'm sorry. i think--i don't know, but i just--i think--i think i might like. guys? and... i don't know. i'm so sorry. i just--it's not fair to you for me to be. like this.")

(rose considers that for a second. "okay," she says, and flops herself across his lap. "but we're still doing movie night, right? you promised to do my nails.")

(she won't be unpacking why, exactly, she's so chill with them going back to being best friends instead of boyfriend and girlfriend, but, like, it's just because she's a chill person. and an ally! don't look at her too hard okay.)

shane is so so so happy when he finds out ilya asked for them to do the ccm commercial together. ilya wanted to see him again! ilya does still care! it's not just him!

and then they hook up, and it's incredible, and holy shit, ilya, when did you even learn to do that--

except ilya is still only calling him hollander, and as soon as the sex is over, he's making as if to leave, just like that, and shane doesn't understand. he thought--didn't ilya want to--wasn't this because he--

this was... nothing to him?

"you used to call me shane," shane says. ilya pauses, then turns away to pull his shirt back on.

"that was a long time ago," he shrugs. he's pretending to be unaffected. "i don't know you like that anymore. but damn, hollander, you grew up hot." a wink. he's so unaffected. this is just sex. he doesn't even care.

and shane just stares at him for a minute like. wait. that's all this was about to you? you did all this just because… just for sex? just because you wanted to fuck a man and knew i wouldn't tell? that's it? that's… it?

and then he gets up and yanks on his hoodie and sweats and stuffs his feet into his shoes and just leaves. you know, the classic hollander goodbye. he's going for a walk. he's not going to cry on the walk though. he's not!

and ilya is just left like. uh. but. this is your room?

(he knows shane leaves when he's overwhelmed and upset. some things haven't changed, huh?)

(there's a knot of guilt in the pit of his stomach. shane is overwhelmed and upset, and it's because of him.)

(he shrugs it off and goes back to his room. it's not like he and shane mean anything to each other anymore.)

(...don't they?)

Thus Begins The Rookie Year Of Epic Divorce.

there are many branching paths from here and this is already so long so i'll chill out for the moment but. jazz hands. that's childhood friends au!!

other significant bits include:

ilya gets to visit irina's grave for the first time at his first boston-in-ottawa game. he meets yuna there. she's... not all that thrilled to see him.

(her best friend's son has grown into a detached playboy at all of eighteen, nearly nineteen. he drinks and parties and fucks his way through life, and he doesn't seem to care about anyone or anything anymore. it's a tragedy, what the sweet boy she remembers has turned into. but she doesn't want to let this tragedy drag shane down with it. she won't let it.)

shane wins rookie of the year, notices ilya's absence, and swallows hard. of course ilya won't bother congratulating him or even showing his face. ilya gets to do that. if they were reversed, if ilya had won, and shane was a sore loser about it, the tabloids would have a field day. the antisocial, bitter asian kid: no longer a true golden boy, not if he shows faults.

so he hardens his heart as best he can and accepts when scott hunter offers to buy shots. it's his night. he won. he should have fun and party and stop thinking about ilya.

unfortunately, alcohol is a depressant.

poor scott has no idea what's going on. he's having a good time at the party and then suddenly shane hollander (has been doing shots with the others, now just sitting there with a weird look on his face) bursts into tears.

Okay!

scott: oh, buddy. here, drink some water. it'll be okay. what's wrong?

shane, his eyes enormous: i … am going to die alone.

scott:

scott: bud, you're 20. you have plenty of time--

shane, his lower lip wobbling: no. it doesn't matter. im gonna die alone on the ice 'cuz i'm not allowed to ever be not perfect, and he's never gonna care, and, and--

scott, hearing that "he" and Extremely aware of his own closeted nature (and also hearing kill bill sirens): WHOA!! okay okay here drink some more water. stop talking. maybe we need to get you to your room now okay? okay.

ilya comes back inside just in time to see scott leading a sniffling, tearful shane out of the room. he follows, eyes narrowed, because where the fuck are you taking sh--hollander, hunter? if you hurt him, ilya will kill you.

scott gives him a very odd look and says, uh, i'm taking him back to his room? he's drunk.

shane looks at ilya over scott's shoulder with wide eyes, and then quickly looks away again because he doesn't want ilya to see him crying. the elevator opens, and scott ushers him inside. ilya doesn't follow.

(shane explains to scott, as they make it back to his room: "i told you. he doesn't care about me anymore but it's okay because no one ever really likes me that much anyway so i'm used to it. you probably won't like me very much either if you spend enough time with me. i'm hard to be friends with. everyone says so. so it's not his fault, you don't need to be mad at him like that, okay? i'm sad but it's okay. i'm used to being sad. i want to go to sleep now. do you know where i left my bed?")

("oh, jeez, kid, we really got you smashed," scott sighs. "you're in bed. go to sleep. you'll be alright.")

shane doesn't remember much of it in the morning. it's probably better that way.