violet mae

hello all you beautiful angels,

i know that i have completely dropped off the face of social media-earth, and i apologize for worrying anyone because of it. i've been getting so many beautiful, exquisitely thoughtful comments on my fics lately, especially the invisible boy series, and it's just reminded me how much love and support i've received from you all over the years. 

i can't believe it's been 13 years since i wrote that series. i can't believe how much life i've lived in that time but also how vividly i remember writing it. it was over the summer of 2012, after i had binge-watched supernatural for the first time in an obscenely short amount of time. i felt so many things for those boys, had so many versions of them i wanted to explore, so many words i wanted to write for them. so i just started writing. i was absolutely removed from fandom at that point and didn't know a single person. i hadn't posted anything online about supernatural or talked to anyone about it. it was just this personal religion of mine, and i was feverish with it. i would sit at my big clunky desktop and just write for hours with no end goal in mind, no thought for anyone else reading any of it. that's where all those early wincest stories of mine came from.

i devoured fic like it was keeping me alive, but there was a story i wanted to read, to feel, and i never found it. i wanted to read a history of sam and dean. i wanted to know their whole story, to see it in a linear way, from youth on through. additionally, i really wanted to try and understand sam winchester. i wanted to understand how he could've left dean, how he could've stayed away from him for so long. so that's how invisible boy started. and i wrote the whole thing, ballad and two-headed boy, all at once. i found a mini-bang (or a reversebang? i can't remember now) and posted ballad, not expecting anyone to care at all. there's so much talent in the supernatural fandom, and SO MANY fucking fics. i very truly didn't expect many people to notice me, or to read my story.

it still blows my mind, every single time someone leaves me a comment. that people are still reading those stories and having all those feelings that i spent hundreds of hours writing and honing and trying so desperately to capture. i've been absolutely spoiled by the spn fandom. despite its many many (many) flaws, i've never felt so much love from a fandom before. it meant everything to me. it still does.

some of the people i met through supernatural changed my life forever. i made lifelong best friends. i fell in love and shattered my own heart with it. i learned the strength of my own words and maybe for the first time, i felt like i was creating something worthwhile. i am changed because of all of it, and in spite of so many painful moments, i don't regret a single second of it.

from 2014-2019, i had adrenal cancer (and renal cancer) and didn't know it. i also had pcos. i was unmedicated for my anxiety and depression. to say that my hormones were fucked up and all over the place is quite the understatement. i felt so much, so intensely--all those emotions were just tripled, quadrupled. i felt so much during that time that it was nearly preternatural. i couldn't keep the words inside of me. they spilled out as my only outlet for everything i was feeling.

the reason i'm explaining this is because, after 2019, after recovering from both cancers and a full hysterectomy (again: the hormone changes, guys) and perhaps most importantly - i got on fucking prozac, the structure of my brain was different. my emotions were different. my hormones, which made me a raw nerve for all those years, a live wire, were subdued, silenced. my anxiety and depression are managed. my sex drive, y'all -- non-existent. sometimes it feels like i've been chemically castrated or something (truly!), but after all the dust settled, i could finally deal with life and myself without feeling like i was going to detonate at any moment.

i think the chaos of my body fed my words, pushed me to write insatiably. i think i was so prolific because of my illnesses. because now? my mind is quiet. or quieter, let's say. i don't have my words anymore. and while that's not entirely accurate (i still write, but it's exclusively in RPs with my partner, and we're selfish and keep those to ourselves), the same drive and need to write isn't in me anymore. sometimes i think about going off the meds, just to see who i am beneath them still. (there's a long story that doesn't matter, but the result was: last month i was on some meds that turned me back into spn-era!violet, and my GOD was it unpleasant. i was crying and upset and worried and stressed and i don't know how i survived it, all those years. really, i can't fathom it.)

i don't know why i'm posting this. just to say thank you, really. to say hello, and let you know that i'm alright. my life is so personally stable right now, so beautifully boring, and it does wonders for my sanity. but then of course, 2025 happened, and well. none of our lives are the same anymore, are they?

if any of you have any questions or comments or anything to share with me, i'll come back for the next few days and check my tumblr inbox. i'll reply to as many as i can. this may be overly ambitious, but i'm gonna try!

i love you all. thank you to everyone who's supported me over the years - from the old school kids to the new generation of readers. it reminds me of who i used to be, who i still am, really. it reminds me that i'm a writer and have been my whole life. i guess i always will be, in some way. and who knows what'll happen in the future.

i hope every one of you is doing as well as can be right now.

free palestine, fuck trump, and release the goddamn epstein files.

love always,