Distracted Muse

"We WENT to the MOON! In 1969!"

Writing 和風細雨 (he2feng1xi4yu3; gentle breeze and light rain) with a cat's tail on a water-writing mat.

Water-writing mats turn black when wet and return to their original colour once dry, so they are often used to practise calligraphy with water. The black colour allows you to see your writing clearly, and the mat can be reused as soon as the writing dries and disappears.

*wrapper crunching* *straw slurping*

Dick, absently: moon's pretty tonight.

Damian: *grunt of affirmation*

Bruce: don't get too comfortable; we have two hours until the shipment drops, this is just a temporary break.

Dick: *dramatic groan*

Jason: -can you just for once live in the fucking moment? we have burritos. we're all here together. shut the fuck up.

Bruce, bemused: i'm just warning you against getting too bloated before the mission, chum. i don't want you to get an upset stomach.

Damian: he's calling you fat, by the way.

Dick: *snort*

Bruce: i'm not- i'm not calling you-

Jason: you are though, you're fully calling me fat,

Bruce, resigned: Hood,

Tim, suddenly: -you know what i realised earlier?

*a beat*

Dick, laughing slightly: alright, Tim's just- Tim's just in his own world,

Bruce: don't be mean, and we're still on patrol here. no names. what did you realise?

Tim: i was just thinking about how Jason and Dick are the only two of us that had to find out that Bruce was Batman.

Bruce, sighing heavily: names,

Damian, dry: Father there is nobody within fifty feet of us.

Jason, ignoring him: whaddaya mean?

Tim: like. i figured it out myself and knew before i ever became Robin. Damian's known from birth because it wasn't ever a secret in the league; of the official Wayne kids, you two are the only ones that had to actually be told and 'find out'. Dick, you were told after you were taken in, right?

Dick: *humming* actually, he tried to keep it from me at first.

Tim: he did?

Jason: oh that's right. 'cause you were taken in by Bruce Wayne; i was taken in by Batman. you found out Bruce was Batman, i had to find out that Batman was Bruce.

Bruce: was there really much of a difference? and Nightwing, you found out literal days after i brought you home.

Dick: yeah but not because you told me.

Damian: how did you find out?

Dick, dismissive: oh i just watched him walk into his clock and disappear and decided to follow him. he was not that great at hiding. i'm pretty sure he forgot i was in the building.

Bruce: i did not forget you were in the building—you were my ward, Dick, i knew you would have to know about the Batcave eventually.

Tim: how did you react? were you freaked out?

Dick: honestly it was so long ago i barely remember not knowing, my memories are all fuzzy and mixed up. B, do you remember?

*shifting*

Bruce, considering: you were pretty excitable; especially once you realised i was looking into your parents’ murder. i'd been getting worried about you beforehand, because you were starting to act out quite a bit, and Alfred said you didn't seem to have any outlets to let out your anger, so it seemed like a positive opportunity to let you run around a bit.

Dick: yeah, i remember laughing a lot...

Bruce: kind of 'maniacally'.

Jason: *snorts*

Dick: that tracks.

Bruce, humming in interest: to be honest, i think between the two of you, Jaylad had the best reaction.

Jason, confused: i did?

Bruce, bemused: do you not remember what you said?

Jason: no?

Tim: this is something that B found funny? ok see now i'm interested.

Damian: i actually don't know much about how you were acquired by Father.

Jason, snorting: 'acquired'.

Dick, gleeful: fuckin' great story. all round favourite, by far. good memories.

Jason,dryly: you hated me back then.

Dick: times change, littlewing.

Tim: how did the whole reveal thing happen, then?

Bruce: well i took him home pretty much instantly after meeting him, because it was clear that he didn’t have anywhere else to stay, and i guess i… saw a little bit of myself in him.

Tim: aw,

Jason: eugh.

Dick, brightly: s’ a fun way to say you picked up a strange young boy off the street and dragged him to your weird creepy mansion.

Bruce, exasperated: why must you put a perverted spin on everything i do?

Dick: because it’s how i show my love~

Jason: *snickers*

Damian: surely part of the responsibility lies with Jason, for being confronted by an ominous strange man who offered to take him home, and deciding to just go with it.

Jason: oi- don’t you victim blame.

Damian: well why the hell did you agree?? you didn’t know him.

Jason: i dunno. i figured there were three options, one: he’s genuine and i’m about to live out Annie as the main character, two: he thought i was a child hooker and young-Jason was bouta get paid,

Bruce: jesus.

Jason: or three: he’s a child murderer, upon which- listen i was a bit of a delusional child. like, i thought i could steal Batman’s tires. i fully thought if he tried to kill me that i could just kick him in the nuts and then dart off with a great new story to tell people.

Dick, in wonder: you just did not have any sense of self preservation,

Jason: i had self preservation—i was just tired and he caught me on a bad day, so i didn’t give a shit.

Bruce, cutting in: well- whatever the reason, it was one of the best decisions i ever made, so i’m happy it turned out well.

Jason, amused: mhm, mhm, go on.

Bruce: well to get back on topic; i brought you back to the Batcave and we discussed you spending a few nights to see how you felt, and Alfred came down so i could discuss with him how to go about fostering you and you got to meet him, and then after he left you asked me ‘if that was my carer and if Batman was really just a mentally disabled man that kept dressing up and escaping home’.

Dick: *gleeful cackles*

Jason: alright that does- *wheeze* that does ring a bell,

Tim, casual: you are such an asshole, man.

Jason, very happy: i know.

Bruce: after that i had to explain what was above the Batcave, which obviously revealed my identity,

Jason: i was kinda- i mean, i don’t remember specifics, but i was quite calm about it all, wasn’t i? i don’t remember freaking out.

Bruce: you were, but to be fair you’d already gotten in a car with a stranger and let me take you to the cave under my house, so i think if you suddenly then regained the ability to have appropriate reactions to things, that would be concerning.

Jason: …point.

Bruce: do you remember what you said to me after i explained my identity?

Jason: no?

Bruce: …*amused sigh* you calmly listened while i explained, reacted with nothing, and then you just started echoing what i’d told you.

Jason: right…?

Bruce: you told me, ‘so Batman is Bruce Wayne.’ and i said yes,

Dick: mhm,

Bruce: and then you said, ‘and Nightwing is Dick Grayson’,

Jason: yeah.

Bruce: and then you cocked out a hip, pointed up at the entrance to the manor, and you said ‘and i’m guessing Alfred Pennyworth is the Riddler, because ‘he just has a British accent’ my ass, that old bitch was talking in code.’

Tim: *starts laughing*

Jason: …DID I?!?!

Dick: *wheeze* you- you don’t remember?

Jason: NO?!

Bruce, fond: i remember. i told Alfred after you went to bed that night. i told him that was the moment i knew you were gonna be my kid.

Tim: *wheeze* you know- you know Alfred always told me that Jason was the most difficult when he first came to the manor, and i always thought that was weird because everybody else says Dick was way worse. but now- *wheeze*

Damian: -now it makes sense. you made him an enemy after your first interaction.

Jason: I DON’T REMEMBER SAYING THIS?!?! -i mean- *snort* i’ll take credit, that’s fucking funny, but still. did i have that much trouble with his accent!?!

Bruce: i don’t think it was that you couldn’t understand him; Alfred just has a very traditional and olden-style British accent, and you apparently had been friends with a couple modern-British kids that lived in the alley, because you always used to argue with me after Alfred left the room that ‘they didn’t sound like that’.

*a beat*

Bruce: it really used to bug you for some reason.

Dick, cackling: NO I- NO I REMEMBER- I DO REMEMBER- fuck, Jay, do you not remember one of your conspiracy theories back then was that Alfred wasn’t actually British?! you thought he was fucking lying.

Jason: …holy shit i actually do.

Tim: *wheezes* oh my god,

Bruce: you accepted it eventually, but it took you a while to get there with him.

Dick, eager: i don’t wanna- i don’t wanna hear shit from people about me being difficult when i first got taken in; Jason showed up and instantly started fighting with the sixty year old about how his fucking voice sounds,

Jason, laughing incredulously: i mean- i mean it is a very stereotypical old-english accent?!?! i didn’t think those existed anymore.

Damian: and yet your favourite book genre is old english classics?

Bruce: i think that was what got him to drop it, actually. there was an evening where Alfred read a Jane Austen book out loud to him, and afterwards he came into my bedroom to shake me awake and tell me ‘ok i get it now’.

Dick: *loud wheeze*

Tim, struggling not to laugh: -because the matter was just that important, that he had to wake you- *cackles*

Jason, amused: listen- listen this was clearly a point of great stress for young Jason,

Damian: you weren’t stressed about being taken home by a strange man in a bat costume but the guy’s butler’s accent being too theatrical—that freaked you out?

Jason: i- *wheeze*

Bruce: you were a very fun child to have around, Jaylad. i’ll give you that.

Dick: does Alfred agree with that sentiment?

*a beat*

Bruce: he loves you now, that’s all that matters.

So, your landlord/parents/home inspector/favorite movie star is dropping by, and your place is a disaster. You don’t have much time to clean it up. You’re in emergency mode. Let’s get started.

Don’t panic. Panic leads to fear, fear leads to procrastination, procrastination leads to the dark side. You can do this, but you have to stay calm.

Unlike maintenance cleaning, we’re not looking to completely unfuck one space at a time. Instead, we want to decrease the overall mess in stages, spread evenly across the whole area that we’re concerned about. If you think your home is at Level 10 filth, we want to bring the whole thing down to a Level 9, and then down from there. One really clean spot in an otherwise messy home is not going to be helpful here.

Get prepared. You’ll want to shut the computer down (or turn the modem off if you need your computer to play music). Trust me. Get your music going. Gather up trash bags, your vacuum and mop, some rags or paper towel, sponges, and other cleaning supplies. Use what you have on hand. Don’t get distracted running to the store and spending an hour browsing cleaning supplies. A multi-purpose cleaning concentrate or a jug of vinegar will be just fine.

Breaks are very important. Depending on your time constraints, work in 20/10s (20 minutes working, 10-minute break) or 45/15s. But take breaks because otherwise you’re marathoning, and marathon cleaning is no one’s friend. Keep hydrated, don’t forget to eat, and check in with yourself frequently to make sure you’re physically doing OK.

Make your bed. This will be your home base if you get overwhelmed or need somewhere clear to take a break.

Start with the garbage. Going from room to room, throw out anything that is obvious trash. Once you fill a bag, take it out. Repeat as many times as necessary.

Move on to dishes. Gather the dishes from all over your house and bring them to the kitchen. If you can, start them soaking in a sink of hot, soapy water or start loading the dishwasher. After the dishes are all in one place, spend one 20/10 getting started getting them under control.

Now it’s time for your flat surfaces. Countertops, tables, dresser tops, etc. Clear them off and wipe them down. Don’t get distracted in too much sorting and organizing. We’re in crisis mode here. There will be time to get in-depth once this is all done. The same applies to cabinets and closets. Unless you have reason to believe people will be opening closed doors, leave these alone for now.

Attack the floordrobe and shoe pile. Get your clothes either put away or in the hamper. Start a load of laundry if you need to, but keep in mind that laundry and dishes have three steps: wash, dry, and put it away, goddammit!

Get random stuff up off the floors. If something is trash-worthy, throw it away now rather than just move it around a bunch of times. Otherwise, put stuff where it belongs.

Take another 20/10 or 45/15 to catch up on more dishes, if needed.

Head into the bathroom. Pour some cleaner in the toilet bowl, fill the sink with hot water and cleaner, and either spray the tub and shower with cleaner, or fill the tub up with some hot water and add cleaner and let it soak. Put everything away that’s out and shouldn’t be, clean the mirror, counters, and toilet seat. Sweep or dry mop the floor. Wipe down the sink and tub/shower, and give the toilet bowl a scrub. Mop the floor.

Sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Vacuum everything you can, and sweep everything you can’t.

Walk outside of your house (don’t lock yourself out, please). Walk back in and see what catches your eye first. Go and deal with that.

If you’re being inspected or your landlord is coming in for repairs, spend time on whatever area they’ll be focusing on.

Give the whole place one more once-over and pay attention to anything you’ve missed so far.

It’s an old trick, but if your place is a little funky-smelling, put a pan of water on the stove on low heat and add some citrus or cinnamon or vanilla. Don’t leave it unattended or forget about it.

Take a shower, put on something clean, and eat something.

You can do this. It’s overwhelming, yes, but it is not impossible. You just need to do it. You have a list. You have directions. You have a whole bunch of Internet strangers who have been there before and who are cheering you on. You can do this, but you need to get started.